Behind Every Smile

Change Me

It's hard to describe the feeling of losing a friend you've known for years. It always seemed like I'd never have a friend, at least one that would last more than four years. Anyone who's lucky enough to have a friend they've known since elementary school, I envy them. Fact I envy almost everyone around me.

Those who've lost so many friends and or family members, you'll understand why I say this.

I was only thirteen, and already had thoughts of suicide. I'd have dreams of dying every other day, or dreams of losings the little family I have left.

At that time I was desperate to find a way to change and escape the dark thoughts inside my mind.

I tried about everything, talking with an adult, writing my feelings out in a diary, anything I could think of. However, after the day I discovered Ben had moved away while I was gone, the same day Danielle left me out in the rain, the same month I started to figure out Shaina, Chloe, Hannah and Tiffany were ignoring me, I lost it,
completely.

Colin, a boy I haven't seen in a few years, was the only person who was about my age that lived a few houses down from me. I'd known him for about three years. In elementary school we were practically best friends, and spent every recess together. You could say we were fairly close, but something about him, that I hadn't recognized at the time, wasn't right.

It was early into March, my parents had planned a dinner at Colin's house with his parents. As I mentioned, we haven't seen them in years, I wouldn't be surprised if Colin didn't recognize me, considering I'd changed so much.

A familiar pair of dark brown eyes met mine as the front door creaked open. The boy flicked his matching brown hair out of his eyes, opening the door completely with a silent glare.

This was Colin, who'd hardly changed in appearance from the last time I saw him. Colin was still the same skinny, brown-haired, dark-eyed boy I remember him as.

I watched him shut the door behind us, swallowing heavily as his eyes nervously looked over at me.

"Do you remember me?" He mumbled softly.

I nodded at his question, "Yeah, I do. We use to spent every recess together." 

To my surprise, he smiled at my response, probably a little stunned I remembered. "Yeah, we did. I use to beat the shit out of that one kid who always stole your lunch. What was his name..Parker?"

"Yeah, Parker." I looked away, remembering all the times Colin had gotten in trouble for all the times he'd gotten in fights with Parker- just to get my lunch back.

"You know you didn't have to do that right? I could've bought lunch." I followed him up the carpeted stairs, watching him shake his head with a quick scoff.

"What? So he could steal that too? That shit head needs to back off you." His voice grew more frustrated, almost speaking in a low growl.

I gave up trying to convince him otherwise, his tone always explained clearly how he felt about the topic.

Colin flicked on the lights to his room, shuffling a few shirts with his foot under the bet.

I examined his room quietly, realizing right then he'd changed more than I thought. There were drawings scattered all over his desk, all of them having a dark and depressed tone in each sketch. Sketches of dark places and ghostly figures. One drawing in particular stood out the most of a young blonde, with bright blue eyes sitting against a dark wall, hugging her legs. To my surprise they were very good drawings, they almost looked real, enough for me to tell that the little girl in the photo was me.