Behind Every Smile

Voices In My Head

"You're okay. You're okay. You're okay" I repeated the phrases quietly to myself, my arms tightly wrapped around my legs, rocking myself back and forth.

It's difficult to explain how terrified I was. Sitting in a closet, afraid to come out. Seeing nothing but darkness, hearing nothing but my own breath and the pounding of my own heart against my chest. Then there was the voices;

You can't tell anyone about this.
But why?
Colin wouldn't hurt your friends, you know he wouldn't. Except you don't know that for sure.
You aren't sure if you'll ever see your friends again. You don't want them getting hurt, again, because of some mistake you've made.
You've made plenty of mistakes, now look where you are; in a closet. Colin's closet.
Make a sound, he'll hit you.
Crawl out, he'll hit you.
Tell anyone, he'll hit you, then someone you know-you don't want this.
Do as you're told-lie.
Lie about the scars. You're ashamed of the fights you've gotten them from.
Lie about the nightmares. You're ashamed of your fears.
Lie about your emotions. You're ashamed to explain the mistakes you've made that caused all the pain.
Nobody will truly understand why you made those choices, because not even you can make sense of it.
Maybe everyone's right-you're a weak coward.
A worthless punk.
A freak.
A psychopath.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks, my entire body was shaking violently in anger.

Suddenly, the closet door slid open, light peering against my face and around the silhouette I assumed was Colin standing above me.

"Don't, ever, fight against me. Understand?" He snapped, kneeling down in front of me.

I was too warped in my own emotions to respond. I tried to say something, but it all came out inaudibly.

Colin grasped the collar of my shirt, pulling me off the floor, closer towards him.

I now saw the dark gleam in his eyes.

"Answer me!" He spat in disgust.

"I'll always..fight you.." I muttered, chocking on tears.

Immediately, he clenched his teeth, spinning around with a tighter hold around my shirt, ramming my back against the wall. I felt myself tremble at his violent growl, and the anger in his eyes.

Why did you say that! You knew what would happen!

"Fight me, go ahead! See what happens!" It was obvious he was eager for a fight, again, even though we both knew who'd win. Little did I care at that time.

Quickly I snatched his wrist, digging my teeth into his wrist, hard as I possibly could till I felt his fingers release me. Colin screamed in anger, clutching his wrist as I took the moment of opportunity to run from him.

I scrambled towards the stairs, my heart thrusting faster and faster against my chest, terrified of what I had started. A hand suddenly snatched the back of my shirt, pulling me back against the ground with a harsh jolt.

I felt the back of my head pound against the carpet before the rest of my body could fall completely. Colors were already swirling around me. Colin's words became muffled growls and shouts.

I could hardly feel his hand strike across my face. The adrenaline was already consuming me.

I snatched his arms before it could stoke my face again, holding it in place, using my legs to kick him back away from me and crawl backwards.

I was inching closer and closer towards the stairs. I was nearly there. I scrambled onto my feet uneasily, immediately feeling myself stumble over from a harsh kick to the side.

My heart froze at that instant. That sudden rush of adrenaline electrifying my body while falling down the stairs. I couldn't feel anything, but I defiantly heart every time my head slammed against one staircase after another, then against the wall.

I couldn't move, or talk, just tremble against the floor, in shock. I could've died right then.

I watched as Colin laced his fingers around my neck, and dragged me back up the stairs. His heavy footsteps echoing in my mind.

I felt his hand slip from my neck, my head hitting against the carpet floor of his room. Suddenly, the lights flickered off, the door shut, and once again, I found myself alone face to face with darkness.

Look what you've done