Behind Every Smile

Learn To Control It Or Be Controlled

I wasn't sure what to expect the day after Colin and I came to an agreement. Over and over I'd think about how he was planning on helping me, and what he'd teach me. Eventually I knew I'd have to tell him about my past what was hurting me the most, and what I wanted to change about myself from my mistakes.

Little did I realize I was already making one.

As instructed, I was at the front doorstep of Colin's house, right on time-3:30.

The door creaked, then eventually swung all the way open, revealing Colin holding it open.

"Right on time," He grinned, shutting the door behind me as I stepped inside. "So tell me, what do you want to change about yourself?" Colin cleared his throat while signaling me to follow him up the stairs.

"Everything.." I muttered, quietly following him into his gloomy room, hardly able to see anything but the streaks of light peering through the cracks of the closed blinds. "Why is it so dark in here?" I asked, squinting my eyes as they adjusted to the brightness of the room.

"It soothes me-sitting in darkness. Where it's quiet." Colin explained, seating himself at his desk. "When you say everything..do you mean your physical appearance to?" His arms crossed loosely, tapping his foot against the carpet.

"Possibly, I just wanna be different, a lot different then I am now." I told him.

Colin leaned forward, his pointer finger wrapped around his chin, elbow heavily leaning against the desk. "You don't want to be an outcast." He concluded.

"I don't wanna be looked at as the "freak" everyone thinks I am. All I've done is try and help people, but I end up either getting several fists to the stomach or a bloody nose. Or both." As I explained my situation, I noticed Colin's eyes narrow more and more.

"Did you fight back?" He asked.

"N-No, not always." I shrugged, starting to see my flaw.

"Not-Not always!? There's the issue. You MUST fight back! You don't let those little shits do that to you!" His voice rose dramatically, his fingers forming into tight fists.

"Even if I did! It wouldn't make me feel any better! That's what they want-for me to fight back! The best I can do is just wait for them to grow bored with hitting me then walk away." I shouted back at him, already feeling my insides shiver as he snarled at my response.

"Bella!! Don't let them hit you! They'll just keep doing it! That's the problem with you! You're too soft! You need to harden up! Show them you're not their punching bag! You don't stop punching them till you see blood! Never again will they even think about hitting you." Colin explained, pushing himself up off the chair, his hands in tight fists.

"I don't want to hurt anyone.." I sighed, shaking my head.

"Oh, I know somewhere deep down you think otherwise. I've seen the part of you that will fight. We just need to find a way to trigger that half." A wide smirk stretched across his face, as if he already had an idea. With that, Colin signaled me to follow him yet again, leading me into another room-the game room.

There was nothing but a couch, TV and a small closet in the room, leaving us with plenty of open space.

"I want you to punch me," Colin instructed, facing me.

"I-I can't, you're my-" I froze at Colin's impatience shout.

"Come on you weak piece of shit! Punch me!!" His fingers started to uncurl at his sides the louder he spoke.

"I..can't.." I repeated in frustration,

"You're such a girl! Nothing but a weak..stupid..punk!" His palms pushed me back quickly, but not enough to knock me off balance.

"Stop.." My voice thundered, my hands shaking in anger.

"No wonder Danielle hates you.." Colin scoffed, shaking his head.

My eyes gradually widened as he mentioned Danny's name, my entire body now quavering in anger.

I was hoping at least Colin wouldn't know about Danielle.

"I said stop it!!!" I screamed, lunging forward, thrusting my fist roughly against Colin's chest, phasing into a mental state of rage quickly.

Colin gasped at the sudden attack, falling back against the floor. I took the opportunity to hold him down, my hands gripping his neck and feet stepping down hard on his wrists.

I watched Colin struggle for breath, trying to swing me off his chest, but gave up as I squeezed his neck harder.

I noticed Colin's lips moving, probably trying to say something, but all I could hear was my own heart rapidly pounding against my chest in anger. I tried harder and harder to make out his words, finally hearing muffled words after a long moment.

"T-That's..perfect." He chocked between words, looking up at me with a wide smile.

My hands loosened around his neck, taking a few deep breaths in attempt to calm myself down.

Colin let out a gasp for air before coughing heavily into his arm.

"So that's what triggers it..phrases from the past.." He continued, starting to put together what happened. "You're eyes, they were nearly black when I said-" He froze, noticing tears falling down my cheeks. I bit my lip angrily, trying to keep myself from sobbing.

"Please..I don't want to hurt anyone." I begged, letting myself sit against the wall, knees tightly tucked against my chest.

"No no no, this is the half of you you must set free! You said you wanted to change?" Colin knelt down beside me, a smile still plastered on his face.

"Y-Yeah, but-" Colin grabbed my shoulder, shaking his head. "Then let yourself change, let this half, this aggressive side, control you. Believe me, things will be very different for you." He explained, determination in his dark eyes, as if he'd discovered something for the first time.

"H-How? I'm only like this from so much adrenaline rushing though me." I answered, taking a heavy breath out.

"Adrenaline? Then we'll find something that triggers that adrenaline rush. Even if it's fighting me everyday." Colin replied, I could tell something was already on his mind.

"What are you afraid of? Like simple phobias?" He asked in curiosity.

"Snakes, Sirens, Thunderstorms.." I muttered, trying to remember them off the top of my head.

"Sirens?" Colin rose his eyebrow, confused.

"Nuclear sirens, long story." I muttered, slightly embarrassed.

"I don't know about the sirens..but I can help you with the other two. If those situations put you through an adrenaline rush, if we do that everyday, then eventually you won't be afraid of those things and you'll become stronger. You can learn to control your fear. Then you'll be able to control that adrenaline running through you, the more you practice. Then put that anger into use!" Colin explained.

At that time, his theory sounded reasonable.

"We'll fight everyday as well, you need to learn how to really punch someone to the point where they can't get up, or there's blood. That's when they know you're not to be tested." As he explained more and more of our future daily agenda, I was slightly impressed at how serious Colin was taking this-as I'd hoped. Except, there was a completely different reason for why Colin did care, and bother to help me in the first place. A darker, more cruel reason that I hadn't figured out till much later; an entire four months later.