Behind Every Smile

I Can't Do This

My thirst for answers was only growing stronger day by day. It wasn't until one afternoon after meeting with my charter school teacher had I decided to confront my friends.

It had been weeks since I last visited my old middle school. Everything seemed exactly how I last remembered it to be.

I waited alone outside Shaina's classroom, awaiting anxiously for the overhead bell to ring. Over and over I thought about the possibilities of what could happen; Shaina would have no idea of what was going on, Shaina heard what was going on but refused to believe it was true, Shaina believed every word of the rumors and refused to talk to me.

The sound of the release bell echo throughout the school shook my attention, students rushing out of class.

Several students either smirked or scoffed as they passed by me-honestly I expected that. However, it wasn't until two boys approached me did I start to get the hint everyone knew something I didn't.

"So you're Colin's slut now? Lucky dog!" One of them smirked, examining me.

"Excuse me?" I narrowed my eyes, stepping towards the two boys.

"Ohh, feisty. I like that. I wonder if he'll let me get a taste of you." The boy scoffed song with a wink of his eye.

My fingers clenched into fists in pure disgust before striking him straight in the nose.

The boy grunted and stood back, covering his nose but chuckled as if it was a game. The other boy stepped towards me, suddenly alarmed by me. "Hey! He was only kidding!"

Sure he was.

"Yeah? How'd he find out about Colin and I?" I rose an eyebrow, keeping my fist noticeably clenched.

"I-It's a rumor that's been going around." The boy stuttered, I knew he was afraid of getting punched in the face if he didn't tell me by the nervous glare.

"Any other rumors I should know about?" I snapped at the boy.

I watched the boy swallow heavily, struggling to answer. The boy behind him pushed him to the side, still covering his nose. "Is it true you do anything he says?"

My eyes widened, "What!"

"Is it true you let his friends touch you where ever they wanted?" He asked, eager for some time of response.

"N-No! Back off!" I shook my head, noticing Shaina walk past me through the corner of my eye, deciding to follow her.

"Liar!" I heard one of the boys shout from behind me.

This wasn't good at all. Everyone believed these rumors that weren't necessarily true.

"Shaina!" I called, trying to catch up with her. Immediately, Shaina's dark eyes glared at me over her shoulder, coming to a halt.

"Is it true?" Shaina glared up at me as I walked towards her, a deep sadness hidden in her eyes.

"Shaina..whatever they told you, it's not true. Colin hurt me." I told her, unzipping my sweater to reveal bite marks on my shoulder. I watched Shaina's eyes narrow, but somehow It didn't seem to be enough.

"That doesn't prove anything." Shaina mumbled, shaking her head while walking off.

"I'm telling the truth!" I yelled, but not even then did Shaina turn around, just continued to walk away.

Tears filled my eyes, feeling absolutely hopeless of getting anyone to believe me.

Just give up, nobody will believe you.

Already my mind was giving up on trying. My darkest thoughts were taking over.

Just leave. Look around, everyone's laughing at you behind your back.

I was starting to believe my darker thoughts were right. I was completely convinced everyone knew about these rumors.

Immediately I ran as far away from that school as I possibly could, not ever thinking of going back, or to where I was going. I just wanted to be alone.

Tears fell down my cheeks more and more. Eventually I collapsed onto my knees, choking on my own sobs. Angrily I yanked my bag from my shoulder and threw it against the ground. I zipped open a specific pocket, pulling out scissors. Immediately I opened the scissors, pressing the sharpest part of the blade against my wrist.

"Come on!!" I screamed, feeling myself unable to push the blade farther against my skin.

"What's the point anymore?! Why hold back?!" I yelled at myself, still finding it impossible to move the blade any further.

"I hate this!! I hate everything about myself! Just end this!!" I rambled on, staring at the blade, but didn't move it.

With a loud groan, I tossed the scissors away from me. I started to realize I was sitting beneath trees in the midst of a small meadow. I was at least ten miles from home, but I didn't want to go back.

"You're such a weak coward." I mumbled to myself, shutting my eyes, letting more tears fall down my cheeks. "I just want all of it to end. I don't want to play this game anymore." I felt my voice weaken to a whisper, hardly able to speak any louder than that.

I could've killed myself, and no one would know about it till days later.

Just think of the people you'll hurt if you do this.

"They'll get over it! I cause nothing but trouble!" I sobbed, trying to argue against my own thoughts.

The last thing you would want is to hurt the people you care about.

I shook my head, clenching my hand tightly. "S-So what then? Live on and continue getting picked on every single day? Cry every night till I fall asleep and have nightmares?"

That's exactly what you'll do, and you can and will handle it.

"No, I can't. I can't handle any of it!" I groaned under my breath.

You can. You're going to live on and prove to everyone that you can. You're going to live on and prove just how strong you can be. You're going to be there for every person who needs you to be. You're going to protect anyone you can from harm, and you're going to fight your way through every obstacle that comes your way. Because you're not going to let Colin be the reason for suicide. You're not going to let anyone break you apart, and certainly not break anyone else apart.

My mind fought against itself until I finally stood up and wiped the tears from by cheeks and muttered only a few words just before walking home; "You can hurt me, laugh at me, tie me down, choke me till my last breath-but under no circumstance will I ever let you hurt my friends ."