Behind Every Smile

Dear Diary

Throughout the years of my middle school life, I kept a diary by my side that I'd occasionally write in to help with pushing away the depressive emotions. For the longest time I thought about what to do with this specific diary with all my deepest thoughts and emotions inside until someone suggested I'd write and publish a backstory to this specific book; and that's exactly what I did. 

November 20, 2013.

Things in my life compared  to others is 'different' from what I understand. My friend, Shaina, is quite the 'different' person as well. Ever since my mom took me out of public school, things have been..different. I had a friend named Danielle, who apparently doesn't get along with Shaina or any of the other friends I have. Since I do school at home now, I have not been able to keep in touch with my friends a lot anymore. Luckily, Shaina will call me and tell me what's new over in the school I had left. The bad news is everything that I've heard from Shaina lately is terrible things about Danielle. I am angry and confused at the things she's said and done to my friends. Lately she's ignored my texts and phone calls, so I know something is up. I'm determined to find out.

May 27, 2014.

Things are starting to all make sense now. Danielle's a bully, and she hates everything about my friends and I. Why? Who knows. Anyways tomorrow my uncle Jim is coming to live at my house, and I have never seen him since I was very little. I'm really excited to see him!

March 21, 2016.

Where do I start, let me just leave it at this, high school is ten times better than middle school, least for me. By this time, a lot of things have changed. My uncle is terrible person-a pervert to me more specific. Danielle I haven't seen in years, or Colin; they both hate me. It seems like everyone I meet does. Am I that terrible of a person? Sometimes I feel like killing myself over the thought of it. Maybe everyone's right, I am a coward, and a pathetic human being. Who would like a girl like me? I guess I made a few friends at the new school; Abby, X'Zaver, Nicole, Sydney, and Ryan. They like me for how I am, and let's face it, I'm weird. But who cares. Abby remind me of the past, and it's slowly coming to haunt me but at the same time she's helping me move past it. If that's even possible.

August 15th, 2016.

What is there to say? I wouldn't say my life is getting any easier but it sure has changed. I've made more friends, but on the inside I know things will never be the same, ever. I'm reminded everyday of the past that I'm so desperately trying to move on from. It's all repeating itself too. There's that one close friend I trust, a small group of friends that I'm very familiar with, and problems that arise to change things. But that's okay, I'm use to this. I can't help everyone even though I sometimes think I can. Danielle, the one friend I miss the most, I've been told by others she's cutting herself now. Ariana, a long lost friend from elementary school, I recently saw her at a restaurant the other day with cuts on her arms as well. It makes me feel terrible, and I always wish I can help in some way, but I know deep down I can't. Seeing others around me at school  with their close group of friends only tears me apart. I wish I had a long-lasting group of friends as they did. But I realize now I chose this path. No matter how many times someone tells me the path I've gone down isn't really my fault; I will always see it as my own fault for all the choices I made. I've made more mistakes than I can count. But when someone asks me if I would change anything in the past if I had the opportunity; I would always say I wouldn't change a thing. Mistakes only make me stronger the way I see it. If anyone disagrees with this, just remember, I managed to keep on walking with a smile on my face for all these years no matter how many times I've been punched, left alone, criticized, and so much more. I realized over the years that behind every smile there lies a story yet to be told. It may not be anything like mine, but it's a story always worth learning from, and maybe get inspired by, or maybe even play a part in the story of their life. So the next person you meet, to whomever is reading this, just think, "What's behind their smile?" Your life may change, just as mine did.