Behind Every Smile

Rise Above

For months I'd been at war with my own mind. Despite how different things were, my mind was determined to haunt me of my past and not let me move on from it.

In other words, PTSD was my new best friend.

I couldn't tell you the last time I slept pleasantly during this time. I had nightmares quite often, hallucinations were occasional at night.

For months I've tried looking for some sort of solution; that didn't involve medication. Eventually, I came across the conclusion the only way to bypass my nightmares and hallucinations was to distract my mind with new thoughts.

Easier said than done. I basically had to reshape my mind almost entirely in order to do this. So I practiced.

One afternoon, I walked out alone to a nearby park in the pouring rain with thunderclouds over my head.

I wanted to put my mind to the test by facing something I was terrified of; thunderstorms.

Despite how freezing I was, drenched with water from head to toe, I was determined to face my fears once and for all.

Long strands of blazing electricity flickered in the sky for split seconds as thunder roared soon after. Every part of me was terrified to be outside. Violently, I was trembling in fear, my heart racing to the point I fought to stay conscious. Tears were streaming down my face as I stood out in the grass field alone.

"F-Focus.." I told myself, shutting my eyes tightly, but immediately stiffened jumped at the sound of roaring thunder above my head.

"I-I'm not..a-afraid!" I repeated, shouting over the thunder. Clearly that was a lie. My legs were bending into themselves and were shaking faster than I realized, like a scared dog, keeping his tail between his legs.

You're pathetic.

Voices were already echoing in my head. Thus the battle began.

"I'm not..afraid.." I mumbled, squeezing my eyelids harder to secure them shut, hearing a clap of lightning strike the ground.

Yes you are.

"I'm..afraid..but I'm done.. hiding." I told myself with determination.

You're weak. You won't last.

"I-I'm not..weak. I'm not weak!" Anger was taking its toll on my mind, I probably was shouting subconsciously at myself.

You're afraid of everyone around you. You keep yourself guarded because you don't trust anyone. You're nothing but a weak coward.

"N-No.." My voice was no louder than a mumble, immediately I found myself choking on tears.

Just imagine what people will say, you're own friends even when they find out about you. You'll never be close to anyone. Ever! Who would love a person like you? You're not special at all. You're just a pathetic tragedy. Who doesn't like to be touched. Who doesn't open up easily. Who cries every night for hours and pretends to be happy in public. You are far from strong. You're a coward.

I felt myself drop to my knees, sobbing quietly to myself in heartbreak. "I may be..pathetic. But I am NOT a coward. A coward wouldn't go through months of pain and multiple beatings for someone else! A coward, wouldn't get in other fights at school to protect those who don't stand a chance." I found my voice rising gradually, "A coward, wouldn't spend ever last breath worrying about how to fix every single problem other than her own! I am NOT a coward. I AM strong, and If people hate me because of my past, so be it! I'd rather be known as a hero whose been emotionally torn apart than a bully who's the happiest person on earth."

"I am not afraid!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, hearing the clap of lightening and a blinding light flicker in the air. All at once, everything went silent. That glorious moment of hearing nothing but the sound of the soft breeze rattle the leaves of every surrounding tree. In that profound moment, all my thoughts and fears drifted away-I was no longer afraid of anything.

Had I won the battle with myself? Slowly, I rose back onto my feet, gazing at nothing but my hands-they were no longer shaking.

A thunderstorm wasn't enough to scare me anymore, nor were my own thoughts. I felt a surge of hope rise from within me. To be honest, I felt like the strongest person In the world, standing there in the rain, facing my own physical and mental fears.

It took me a minute to realize I had been smiling during that entire time of silence. I was finally free, I realized. Free from all the misery my mind had brought in that very moment. For the first time, in a long time, I was at peace, and happy with who I was, and what I had become.

All those years of being teased and bullied, all those years of wanting a friend and to become something greater all lead to this particular moment. 

I had changed, at last, and If it weren't for all the pain that I endured, I never could've done it. If it weren't for all the mistakes I'd made, I never would've been in the position I am now. For the first time, I felt thankful for Colin and every bully who's ever picked on me. They've showed me how much I'm truly capable of and how strong I really am. 

I knew somewhere beneath that weak smile that was stretching across my face, was someone who just wanted to do the right thing.