Ballet Shoes, Angel's Hair and Revolution (A Les Misérables fanfiction)

Chapter 20

A.N.: so my lovely folks! Another chapter to hopefully end your heartbreak! Here's to my lovely ladies: arosetosomeone and tothe_barricades ! Also I dedicate this to Carrie Fisher and her mom Debbie Reynolds! You were both a great treasure in this world hope you'll enjoy your time in heaven.
As usual I hope you guys will like it and let me know what you think!
- love
Wiki
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Trigger warning: this chapter contains themes of suicide, so if this is a topic difficult for you please take care and feel free to skip if you need to.
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  I ran into my dressing room, still shaking and crying. I shut the door behind me. Everyone else was gone. I was alone. I dropped on the chair in front of the vanity table and I looked at my reflection in the mirror with hate.

I was a mess. Thanks to the hot tears my makeup was smeared all over my face; the powder was in irregular spots, and black lines trailed from my eyes, through my cheeks to my unnaturally colored lips. Courfeyrac was right, I looked no better than a prostitute from the docks....

At the thought of his name, my brain visualized his beautiful face disfigured by pain, disgust and disappointment. I felt as if someone was stabbing my heart with a knife, I contorted in a violent spasm caused by sobbing, I covered my lips with my hand to muffle my cries. I have never felt such pain in my chest, it was unbearable, as if I was about to explode. I was hyperventilating. With my shaking hands I began untying the satin ribbons of my pointe shoes, taking them off of my feet, releasing a new wave of pain, this time a physical one, coming from my toes. They were red, covered in blisters and blood. I hated it. How could I love ballet so much if it gave me so much pain and took my best friend away? I looked at the satin shoe which was drenched with my blood and I threw it into the air with all my might, screaming as loud as I could. It landed with a loud crack of a breaking glass. I looked up to see a pieces of broken mirror on the other side of the room.

Suddenly, looking at the shattered pieces, I felt as if they were my heart. Broken but taken away from me... the pain numbed down. It didn't disappear, it simply became dull, allowing me to breath again.

I looked into the mirror one more time, and with a dull determination I took a handkerchief and wiped off my make up, making sure that the vulgar red of my lipstick completely disappeared. I suddenly became more and more similar to myself. I took out all the pins from my hair, and let it loose, I didn't even bother braiding or at least combing it. I took off my ballet costume and put on my blue cotton dress. I didn't even bother to put on the corset and all of the layers of the undergarments, I always found them ridiculous and today... they would only prevent me from breathing.

I stoop up and looked at myself; my tears were still falling as there was no way of stopping them. However, apart from them and my bloodshot eyes, I looked quite normal. As if I could almost imagine that this terrible night hadn't happened, that it all was just a bad dream that I would go to the Musain now and serve drinks to the boys, fight with Enjolras and laugh with Courfeyrac... but this couldn't happen, it simply couldn't, not anymore.

I wanted to put on my satin slippers but I couldn't, my feet were pulsing with pain. Instead I decided to go bare feet. I didn't even care anymore.

Soon I was on the streets of Paris again, I didn't know where I was going. The flowing tears stopped me from seeing correctly so I let my feet lead me. They felt cold against the cobbled pavements, giving a certain ease to my pain. Paris was quiet and unfriendly, night was almost completely black and the stars... my stars... my hope... they were gone from the sky. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. Even the stars had turned black and cold on me.