Ballet Shoes, Angel's Hair and Revolution (A Les Misérables fanfiction)

Chapter 62

HELLO MY LOVES!
Happy new year to you all! This chapter is dedicated to VioletRosemarie even though she is not caught up with the story yet, but she has inspired me to write this chapter with her beautiful comments! It's you guys that make me write and keep me going. I love you all! May this year be wonderful for you and you families. Please vote and comment xxx
Love you,
Hope you enjoy this
Wiki xxx
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Chapter 62.

'And then, they took us to Versailles.' I finished my story very abruptly.

'That's it?' My father asked, 'Is that really everything?'

Was that everything?

Of course not. Nonetheless, everything left was just pain, and I could not speak of it. All I have been through, all the days that passed,  every moment of the way from Paris to Versailles and my stay here, it was all filled with suffering.  Telling the story to my father, forced me to relieve every horrid experience in my memory, and I was exhausted. I couldn't bring myself to tell more. There was nothing to be added, nothing to be told, but the secret of my mental anguish.

I looked at the world outside the window and the sky has turned completely black, as the dark night has finally fallen. The rain was relentless, it kept patting against the glass with a certain annoying ferocity. I hated that rain. It sound seemed to be drilling a hole in my skull, hurting me beyond measure. I needed it to stop, it had to stop. Or I would go mad any second now.

But there was something worse than the rain. As much as I despised it, that feeling could not measure with the loathing I held for myself. I hated myself even more than I have ever before.

I hated myself for lying to my friends for the past two years. I hated myself for betraying their trust, even if I did so in order to save them. But did I save them? I hated myself for not knowing. I hated myself for the possibility that this was all for nothing. I hated myself for being such a coward and taking the easy way out. I hated myself for not having the guts to stand with the revolution until the very end. I hated myself for not giving my life for a better France. I hated myself for not letting my friends die for Patria. I hated myself for feeling warm and rather comfortable while my friends were rotting in the dungeons. I hated myself for surviving.

But most of all I hated myself for leaving Courfeyrac behind.

I do not know why I left him, why did I think it was a good idea to leave him with Madame and go stop the revolution. I left my dying husband, and I could not come back to him. He was fighting for his life, somewhere in hiding in Paris, while I was coming up with petty excuses to make father spare the lives of my friends. I was hopeless, once more on a suicide mission, once more knowing deep down that I can't make a change. But this time, I had to leave behind the one person I held dearest. The one person that actually still loved me, because I knew that none of my other friends will ever want to speak to me again. And instead of letting the fate be, instead of staying with Fra, I left. I abandoned my husband, who will most certainly die if he did not get the proper medical care, or worse if he fell into the hands of our enemies. And for me, there was no way to find out if he lives, or not... I could not reach him from the castle and it's been days! For all I knew, he could already be dead, and I - I wasn't there with him when he needed me the most.

What a horrible wife was I.

With tears in my eyes, I looked at my father. Yes, there was much more to this story, but he would not understand if I were to tell him about my pain. I just wanted all of this to end, I couldn't bare this horrid state of not knowing, I wanted to know what will happen to my friends, to my husband, to me and to my child. And I did not want to speak of my pain that went on and on, because this... this was the kind of grief that can't be spoken.