Brothers by Blood (Alec Lightwood twin)

Chapter 11

*Two days later - At Magnus' apartment*

ALEC'S POV

I'm getting sick of this. This constant feeling of guilt, shame, and regret is starting to overwhelm me, and I know exactly from where, or who, it is echoing. Something is killing Jace inside, I can feel it through our bond, and I need to know what it is. I decided to go and ask him about it. I found him attacking a punching bag in the guest room he was staying in. Ben and Jace were staying at Magnus' apartment for a while until Ben had fully healed, and so that Jace wouldn't be persecuted before he was able to heal.
"Jace." I said to get his attention. He stopped what he was doing and turned to me.
"Hey Alec, what's up?" He asked casually, but I wasn't going to skirt around this one.
"What is wrong with you? Something is killing you inside, I know because I can feel it through our bond. It is a constant feeling of guilt, shame, and regret. What could you possibly feel guilty about? Is it that your father is Valentine? Is it Clary? You know you can talk to me about anything right? We're parabatai, no matter how many stupid decisions you make, I'll always be there for you and I'll always forgive you for them." I questioned him. Jace looked away.
"I can't. It's too painful. It's too horrible." Jace said, not looking at me. I frowned at his answer.
"What are you talking about? You can tell me anything." I asked, confused as to what would be so bad that he couldn't even tell me.
"Not this." He whispered.
"Spit it out or I'll make you." I said slightly annoyed. He was quiet for a moment before he finally spoke.
"Valentine forced me to torture Ben." He said softly, but I heard him loud and clear, as if he had screamed it at me.
"You did what?" I asked in a low but deadly voice.
"Valentine forced me to torture Ben." He repeated a little bit louder, but his voice was filled with sadness. I didn't even wait for an explanation, I just stormed out to go and see Ben. I was furious, no, I was beyond furious. How could my parabatai, the other half of my soul, torture my twin brother? Once I got to Ben, I saw that he was awake and reading a book. He noticed someone had entered the room and looked up. As soon as he saw my face, his eyes widened and he practically threw down his book.
"What's wrong?" He asked, concern written all over his face.
"Jace just told me he tortured you." I said angrily.
"Yeah, because I asked him to!" He said, as if that answer was obvious.
"YOU DID WHAT?!" I all but screamed.
"I told him to do it in order to protect both of us. If Valentine were to find out that we knew each other the way we did, and Jace was helping me, we would both pay the price and that is something I would not let happen if it were in my power to prevent. So, I told Jace that he needed to torture me to some degree so that Valentine would believe he was loyal to him. I gave him my limits and told him to do it. At first he absolutely refused to do it, and he told me felt like he was committing the ultimate betrayal towards you, his parabatai, for even thinking for a second about agreeing with me. He was horrified at the very suggestion. It took me ages to convince him to go along with it, and even then there was hesitation in his actions. He never wanted to hurt me, and I know and could see it tore him apart doing so." Ben explained. I was shocked at his explanation.
"I don't know if I can forgive him for this." I said, looking down.
"You have to. He's your parabatai, and I know for a fact that he'll never ever forgive himself for this. He is going to hold it on his conscience for the rest of his life, especially if you don't forgive him. I know he won't expect your forgiveness, but he has never been so sorry about something in his entire life. Every single chance he got, he was apologizing to me for it. Talk to him. He needs you. I forgave him before he even began, because it was my idea that he do it in the first place. I asked him to do it, and you and I both know, if you were in my situation, you would have done the same thing. You and I both would do anything to protect Jace, Izzy, Max, and each other. This was my way of protecting both Jace and I." Ben explained. I was shocked at his explanation. "Go back to him. He needs you." Ben added. I nodded, not quite knowing how to reply.
I walked back to Jace's room after Ben had calmed me down and explained the situation fully. I was about to knock on the door when I heard something horrible coming from inside, something I hadn't heard in almost a decade. Jace was crying, no, sobbing. He never cries, so I could see now how badly it had affected him to do what he did. My reaction to it probably made it even worse. It was only now that I noticed that overwhelming sadness and hurt had now been added to the three emotions previously mentioned. I shouldn't have stormed out like I did; because now he thinks I hate him. I knocked on the door.
"Jace?" I asked quietly.
"G-go a-aw-way." He stuttered through tears.
"Jace, please let me in." I asked him in the same tone.
"W-What do y-you want?" He asked, trying his best to pull himself together.
"I just want to talk. Please let me in." I asked in a soothing tone. I heard the door unlock and then open. I was faced with the most heartbreaking sight. Standing before me, was a red, puffy-eyed Jace, with tear tracks staining his face. I had never seen Jace like this, except for when he first came to us and was just getting over his father's death, and what hurt the most was the knowledge that my reaction was the cause of this. I stepped over to him quickly and embraced him in a hug. He started crying again in my arms.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He said, repeating the phrase multiple times. I noticed that he was clinging onto me like I was his lifeline.
"Hey, hey, it's ok, you're ok. Ben told me what happened and why you did it. I forgive you my parabatai. Just breathe." I comforted him. I closed the door behind me with my foot, leading him to the bed and sitting him down. "Jace, look at me." I said gently. When he looked up at me, he looked so small and vulnerable, and his eyes were still filled with tears. It broke my heart to see him like this. "I just wanted to say that I forgive you. It still hurts that you tortured him and it will take me some time for the hurt to go away, but I understand why you did it. I would honestly do the same thing as Ben in that situation. So I forgive you for it." I told him. He had stopped crying by this point, and looked up at me with disbelief and hope.
"Really?" He asked in a small but hopeful voice.
"Really." I replied with a soft smile.
"Thank you." He whispered, hugging me again.
"Now, can you forgive yourself?" I asked as we separated. He looked away sadly.
"I don't think I really will ever truly forgive myself, but to know that you forgive me, even though I hurt you in the worst way possible, takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I know and understand that it will take time for the hurt to fade for you, and I accept that. But I don't think I'll ever truly forgive myself, no matter how hard I try." He explained. He then looked away. "I can still hear the screams." He said lowly, but I heard him loud and clear. My eyes widened. It was only now, in this moment, did I realise how much this truly affected him, and I will do everything in my power to help him recover from this ordeal. I knew that it was not just because of torturing Ben, although that was a large part of it, it was also about the things Valentine had made him do.
"Just rest parabatai. Would you like me to stay with you? Like when we were kids?" I asked, looking at him kindly. He just nodded and we lay down on his bed. I draped one of my arms over his waist and encouraged him to close his eyes and drift off to sleep, assuring him that I would be here when he woke up. Soon enough, I felt him drift off to sleep. I also felt our bond repairing itself piece by piece at our contact. I closed my eyes and decided to drift off to sleep as well.

BEN'S POV

I had asked Magnus to help me go to Jace's room to check up on my brothers to see how both of them were. As we entered his room, I saw a sight that warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face. Jace and Alec were both sleeping on Jace's bed. Alec was lying on his back, and Jace on his side. Jace was cuddling up to Alec, head and hand on Alec's chest, whilst Alec's arm was draped protectively around Jace's shoulders. They hadn't done that since they were kids. I took a photo and saved on my phone. I'll show it to Izzy next time I see her. It looked like they had talked out and resolved the issue, but I would ask Alec about the result of their conversation later.