That's What I Thought | s.m

Chapter Five

c h a p t e r f i v e.
t h a t ' s w h a t i t h o u g h t.
m e l o d y r e a g a n.

*T R I G G E R W A R N I N G*

s o n g: s a v e m y s e l f (a t t o p)

Finishing school, I grabbed my bag and quickly made my way out of the classroom and through the corridors until I was outside. Checking to make sure Grace or Dylan weren't there, I shoved my way through the sea of students leaving the school. Pulling out my phone and earphones, I plugged them in and began to walk home.

While I was slowly making my way home,  I began to look back on the events that today had to offer. Will Grace continue to do this every day? I really hope not, because if so, I don't know how I'll be able to cope.

Is Shawn being genuine? I can't trust somebody I've just met so easily, after what happened with Dylan, I don't know if I can trust anybody in that way again, I can't risk being hurt in that way all over again. Surely Shawn was just trying to be nice, to make friends considering he's new, but what if Grace and Dylan had already gotten to him? What if they told him to send me them texts, or told him to talk to me?

As these thoughts swirled around in my mind, a small tear escaped my eye. I quickly wiped it away and checked to see if anybody was following me, satisfied, I let out a loud sigh and continued to walk home.

Opening my apartment door, I threw my bag on the floor and sat on the ragged couch, holding my head in my hands i let it out. I sobbed and sobbed until there were no more tears left to cry. I didn't understand what I did to deserve to be the one that has to be picked on and insulted each day, when all I ever did was love someone.

Loving somebody is toxic once you're in too deep. You feel as if they are the only ones who can make you feel better. If they hurt you, your whole world comes crashing down. Your heart shatters, the tears flood and you feel your life isn't worth living anymore, they were the only one able to reassure you that you are worth something. Betrayal is devastating. But it is even more devastating, when it is by the person you believed would never leave your side.

Pulling myself up from the couch, I dragged myself to the bathroom and took a brisk shower to wash my tear stained face and body. God I hated how I looked, how I felt. I hated it all, my figure, my hair, my nose, chin, thighs, everything. I despised myself.

As the tears strolled down my face uncontrollably, I stepped out of the shower and opened my bathroom cabinet, taking out the small piece of metal, and staring at it, as more tears began to flow down my cheeks, I hesitantly lowered it to my left arm. Running it over my skin, a slight feeling of satisfaction ran through my veins. I had never harmed myself in this way before, I always decided against it, because I believed everything would be better in the end. It's been too long, and I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together anymore. I have nobody and everybody hates me, and I have nothing to live for.

As I covered up the freshly made wounds with a small bandage, I flopped onto my bed and looked at my phone.

(2) Unread Messages
From: Unknown Number
Hey hunny, if you're reading this, i'm still here, and as long as you're still alive, you'll never get rid of me.

My heart skipped a beat, my palms became increasingly sweaty and hot. The walls became closer and felt as if they'd caved in on me. I quickly deleted the message and opened the next message;

From: Shawn
Hey, how are you?

To: Shawn
Hey, I'm done you?

S
What do you mean done..?

M
Sorry I meant fine, spell check, how are you?

In reality, when people say they're fine. they never really mean it, it's just a cover up, because inside, they're dying.

S
I'm good, and are you sure?

M
Yeah, I'm fine Shawn.

S
Oh okay..

M
Sorry, I'm just really tired, and I just want to sleep right now, but I'll see you tomorrow

S
Okay, sleep tight sweety

With that last message, I set my phone on my beside table. I could never trust him unless I knew he wasn't associated with Grace or Dylan. I hate having trust issues.

Snuggling up under my covers I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. Awaiting the dreadful day that was to follow.

I want to be happy. I need to be happy. But how?

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