That's What I Thought | s.m

Chapter Thirty-Three

Melody Reagan.

I felt so empty without him. Like there's nothing to live for anymore. He told me he wouldn't leave me and he did, he broke his promise, and would it really hurt that much if I broke mine too?

It's been exactly one week since Id gotten home from the hospital, I insisted on going back to my apartment because I knew if I went back to Shawn's, my heart wouldn't be able to take it. I want to be able to say I've been doing fine without him, that I've been living my life the same although he wasn't in it, that I don't miss him. But I do, and thinking about him breaks away a piece of me every time I think of his promise or hear his name in my head. Those four empty words that flowed from his mouth as if he'd meant them with his entire heart.
"Ill never leave you," Bullshit.

I wish I could smile to myself and say that this was for the best, but I know it wasn't, because how am I supposed to live a life that's not worth living?

Standing up from my ripped and padded couch, I checked my phone for any messages from Shawn, or anyone for that matter. None. The serum Alex gave me surprising worked, and even though my legs were still sore, I was able to walk.

Grabbing a glass of water, I chugged it down my throat and sighed at the empty glass. Spinning it around in my hand, it reminded me of how fragile a person can be. One small slip and it can shatter into thousands of pieces. If it falls off of the edge, it's unable to be repaired. It can be scratched, chipped and broken.

Right now, I'd describe myself as a glass.

I would be lying if I told you I wanted to live. Because truthfully, I'd rather die than live a lifetime of being alone, unloved and unwanted. It just isn't fair and I can't take it anymore. My heart is shattered, my body is broken, my mind is blank. I'm a lost cause and now, I'm sure that not even Shawn could piece me back together.

I went to bed that night with a set plan on how the next week was going to go, and how it was going to be my last. My mind was at peace. I wasn't going to be living an unwanted life anymore, I was going to be happy, there would be no bullies, no harsh words, no broken hearts, just unending happiness, and thats all I've ever wanted.

I woke up the next morning with tear stained cheeks as what I thought had been a dreadful nightmare, had become a reality. I really was going to go through with this. I wasn't going to tell anybody, that way nobody could stop me. I was going to write everybody a note, telling them how much they meant to me, but in no way was I going to write that I was sorry, because I wasn't. There wouldn't be that many notes, only a few to the people I was once close with. But I'll leave that to your imagination, for now.

I didn't want to be remembered as the depressed girl from school, I wanted to be remembered as someone who saw the light at the end of the tunnel, who made others smile with her presence, but sometimes, we can't always get what we want.

This next week of school, I was going to be happy, I was going to try and make it seem as if I was living a life filled with love and joy, and I was going to be faking every single moment of it.

Monday. 7:01am.

Sliding out of bed, I went to my beaten up chest of drawers and pulled out an old black vest top to go under my denim jacket. Looking into another drawer, I picked out a pair of black jeans and slipped them on, making sure they were fully covering last nights wounds. Wincing as my body stretched to put on my jacket, I let out a deep breath once it was on and wandered over to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face.