That's What I Thought | s.m

Chapter Thirty-Four

Shawn Mendes.
She was cold and blue, her body frail while lying on the wooden floor of her apartment. The blinds were closed, like usual, the pills scattered across the floor. The ambulance were on their way, but I was doubtful they'd make it in time. She was slipping out of my grasp and I couldn't do anything about it.

Stroking her soft, brown hair, my mind spiraled with things I wished I could say to her. Things I never got the chance to say, before I let her fall. Things I feared, I'd never be able to say. How much she meant to me, how much of a mistake I made, how stupid I was to let her go, how much I love her.

I placed a gentle kiss to the coldness of her freckled cheek, lying down beside her as I heard the small exhales coming from her nose. She was still breathing. Standing up, I lifted her onto the couch, her body limp under my touch. Blinking away my tears, I placed her down gently, checking the window every so often to see where the ambulance was.

Seconds later, the sirens sounded from around the corner. Lifting her from the couch again, I flung the door open as my feet pounded down the stairs and into the parking lot.

"Over here!" I shouted to the ambulance driver, Melody's body shaking due to the lack of heat. Rushing over to the paramedics, I set her on the stretcher before they lifted her onto the ambulance, trying their best to keep her breathing and heart rate at a substantial level.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to drive over yourself, we need enough space in here as possible to try and keep her healthy," One of the main paramedics stated, their voice filled with concern and determination

"What? You expect me to leave her side for more than a second? I think the fuck not." I spat, grabbing Melody's hand and holding on to it as tight as I could

"Sir, please. If you want what's best for her, you'll listen to me." They warned sternly, looking at me with a sense of urgency

"Okay." I sighed, jumping out of the ambulance and frantically feeling around my pockets for my keys. Slipping them out, I ran to my car and clicked the button to unlock it before throwing myself in and starting the engine.

Following the ambulance down the street, my heart pounded with emotions I couldn't contain. Anger. Worry. Hurt. Love. Regret. And a series more I could only feel and fail to describe.

Broken promises lead to broken hearts, and that's what I should of realised before I let her go. If I'd have stayed with her she'd still be happy. If she doesn't make it, I'll be nothing more than an empty heart, that uses anger as their freedom of speech, and violence to show their emotions. I'll be nothing.

I slammed my hands on the wheel in pain and frustration, the tears I've been holding back, finally began pouring down my cold, colourless face, falling off of the end of my chin and onto my washed out black jeans. 

"Please, if there's anybody up there who can hear me, please spare her." I pleaded, my tears turning into sobs as I  continued to follow the ambulance in front of me. I couldn't believe this was happening again, I'd only just got her back from the last incident. I shouldn't have went to her apartment after she came home from the hospital, and maybe this wouldn't of happened.

*flashback*

Moving out of my grasp, she pushed me away from her and crossed her arms over one another.

"Shawn you have to leave. You said you didn't want to be with me anymore, you have to go." She sniffed, her hair messy over her face, but she still looked like the most radiant flower in a field of millions

"I know, I know, but I missed you and I wanted to make sure you were doing okay," I stated, running a hand through my curly locks

"You can't keep doing this. I need a direct answer." Her face was stern while she stood in front of me, her eyes looking deep into my own, "You need to choose."

"I don't know, I don't want to leave you but every time I'm around you, bad things always happen, and I can't let that be the reason why you're always in danger." I sighed, standing up and pacing the room

"I heard that in your little speech you recited when I was lying in the hospital bed." She scoffed, anger flooding her emotions like a waterfall, all trace of the sadness I'd seen before had disappeared

"You heard that?" I was taken aback by her words, I didn't think this through.

"Yes you asshole, all of it. I needed you Shawn, you made up all of that bullshit so it would take away the fact that when I woke up, you wouldn't be able to handle taking care of me." She spat, the sadness returning to her voice

"No that's completely-"

"Let me finish. Please." She whispered. Nodding, I stood there, waiting for her to continue.

"I love you so much, more than words can describe, and I always will. I never have and I never will love anybody the way I love you, and when you told me that you were leaving me, it was as if my whole world had fallen apart. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to live a life without you by my side. But here I am, and I hate it, I hate how it feels when you're not here beside me and it fucking hurts that you're just living your life as if I never existed. And now you decide to come and say how sorry you are.

You know how I felt Shawn, before I met you my life was a mess, you made me so happy, and I'll always have the beautiful memories you made with me, that will forever have a place in my heart. Thank you so much for always being there for me, your love and support has made me so much stronger than you could possibly imagine.

But when you said those words, those words that broke your promise to me, I knew, then and there, that I wasn't the one you wanted to be with. If you truly loved me, you would know that I would need you, and you wouldn't have left me like that, at my lowest point, to fend for myself. I have no idea what made you think leaving me was the best option because truly, it was the fucking worst." Her voice cracked as the tears she let leak flowed down her face.

"I-" I began, but she cut me off once again, placing her hand out and signaling me to stop

"I'm not finished." She sighed, "I will always love you Shawn, through thick and thin, through the dark and the light. But I would have never done to you what you've done to me. You thought it was the best thing for me, and you even had the audacity to say it was the 'right' thing. You were so wrong, Shawn, so so wrong."

Sitting down on the chair I sat forward, my hands clammy and shaking. I wanted to tell her that I still loved her, that I would do anything for her. But I couldn't bring myself to say it, and I didn't know why.

Melody Reagan.

As he sat there with his hands in his hair and his head bowed. I knew that I'd said all I had to say. I had my answer.

"That's what I thought," I whispered, wiping away the stray tears that lined my wet cheeks as I watched him slouch back on the chair, "I knew you could never love a mess like me."

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it's not over yet y'all, this chapter is so sad my heart is broken
(updates will be slow please bare with me school is stressful)