Between the Days and Nights ✔

Chapter 26: Heart & Dignity

Silas

She glares at me with hooded eyes as she sits quietly, waiting for me to say more. I try to swallow the ball of guilt in my throat, because I honestly don't know what else to say.

There's no truth good enough to tell her and I don't want to lie. I just want to see her and talk to her and be around her. No level of apology could stop me from feeling like a filthy scumbag in her eyes.

Yet, there was something there when I meet her gaze, like she means to tell me that she misses me, but has to hold it back for her own dignity.

"Is that all you came here to say," she asks in an almost whisper as she folds her arms.

"I don't know," I sigh as I tilt my head and pat my ear, trying to get the rainwater out of it, "I have no idea what to say to fix this."

"Fix what," she snaps, "There is no this." She gestures between us.

"I guess I just wanted to see you," I mutter under my breath, and then sheepishly add, "You look beautiful today."

Her eyes remain unmoved, but I watch as her cheeks turn rosy. She's still so cute.

She sighs heavily and falls onto her back. "So you're with Pam."

"Pam is a horror show. I'm with her as punishment."

She lifts her head to look at me and I almost smile at her double chin as she does so. "What do you mean punishment?"

"I've hurt you," I say with a piercing pain in my chest, "and the worst thing I can think of to punish myself is to keep Pam around to annoy me."

I stare at her in bewilderment as she bursts into laughter, but as she finally looks at me, I see the tears forming in her eyes. It was dark laughter. She's in pain.

"All this time, I thought you were doing it to torture me. She's pretty and rich and according to her, she 'fits into your family', so I figure you had made your choice," she explains as she shakes her head and laughs at herself, "You really didn't think it through when you kept her around as punishment."

I lower my eyes as I think about every painful glance she has given me over the last several weeks. I should have known that I was hurting her by keeping Pam around, but I truthfully didn't know how to shake her off.

"She took my virginity," I blurt after a long moment of silence. It felt like a million years of just me staring at the ground as she stared at her ceiling. I missed her voice and her words. I've missed her everything.

"What?" She shoots up and straightens her back as she blinks at me with wide eyes. "You were a..."

"I was a virgin and before you say anything, yes I am aware of the fact that I called you V when in fact, I also deserve that name." Again, she laughs.

I sigh again, considering whether I should tell her. "I don't remember that night. I had one drink and then woke up with bruises."

She raises an eyebrow, "You only had one drink? Even that wouldn't get me drunk."

"Right? I was so confused," I rub my face with my palms.

"You don't remember anything at all?" She walks over to her closet and pulls out a pair of pajama shorts, which have little pigs on them.

"I remember... having a dream of kissing you. But it was all blurry and I can't be sure of anything."

"Uh huh," she responds, ignoring my discomfort, and pulls up her pair of shorts under her skirt. "And where were we as you and I kissed in this dream of yours?"