Don't Let Me Drown

Twenty

Avi's POV

I don't know why I was so nervous. It's not like I haven't done this before, but I don't remember that, will I ever remember it? Stop that Avi, just film the video. I pressed record and took a deep breath, no stopping now.

"Hi... My name is Aviana Ray Jacobs-Perry, and three weeks ago I had a mental breakdown. Since then I've been diagnosed with dissociative amnesia. This means that my breakdown caused me to lose my memory. Three weeks ago I didn't know who my father was, who my boyfriend was, who any of the people I love the most were" I didn't want to cry but I couldn't stop the tears. I cried for so long before I calmed myself down to keep going.

"I've stopped daily vlogging to work on remembering everyone and everything that's happened in my life, I am so sorry to everyone who watches my videos everyday. I'm very thankful to you all who have supported me in all that I've done. I will still post videos and keep you all up to date on what's going on, but the vlogs won't be going up for a while. I have a lot of prerecorded videos and some I'll even do while I'm tour so you won't be kept in the dark. I love you all" I stopped the video and uploaded it to my laptop. All I really had to do was cut out most my crying, there was definitely a difference between the beginning of the video and where I cut out my crying.

"Bubz? What're you doing?" I looked up at Matt while my video started uploading.

"Making a video" I said and adjusted my glasses. We were in Tennessee today, everyone was going to go on the lake soon and I didn't really want to do anything, but I was gonna go and make the best out of it. Dad told me I have a lot of mental illnesses and it's why sometimes I don't like to talk to anyone or like being left alone. I didn't want to be that anymore so I've been pushing myself to be around everyone when I don't feel like it.

"Okay, have you eaten yet?" I shook my head and ran my fingers through my short hair. "Do you want anything?"

"No, I just... I don't know" I said softly. "I think I'm just gonna get ready" I left quickly and grabbed my bag. I changed into my red Calvin Klein bikini bottoms and black and white triangle bikini top. I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were so puffy and red and it wasn't because I was slightly high. Mike and I had been smoking together a bit, he said I didn't have to but I wanted to try it again. I liked it a lot and it did make me feel better about the situation I'm in.

"God, I'm a mess" I muttered to myself before I washed my face and splashed some cold water on my face so the puffiness would go down a bit. I grabbed my flip flops and black kimono before grabbing my sunglasses.

"Hey Ray, I got you some fruit" Mike said handing me a bowl. I took some grapes and left the house but sad was there and I sighed. Sometimes I just want to be alone but these guys worry so much I never have time to be alone.

"What's going on? Talk to papa Mike" I looked at him and he gave me a cheesy smile. What a nerd.

"After dad and I talked about my mental illness, I've been trying to just work on them without my meds and it's kind of tough. I literally just want to be left alone but I don't" I vented and he just picked me up. I groaned when he started jumping and shaking me around. "Mike"

"You need to loosen up Ray, I'm loosening you up" he said then a fowl smell hit my nose.

"Did you just fact?!?!" I yelled and he laughed. "Ew! Put me down!"

"Nope, inhale the scent of bean burritos" I gagged and he finally put me down.

"You are disgusting, give me the grapes" he kissed my cheek and I rolled my eyes before leaving the house. I got into one of the boats and dad put his sun jacket on. He's been working on his back piece for so long and got another part of it done recently so he couldn't really have the sun beating down on him. I got two new tattoos too, but they healed up and were fine.