The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 6

"That'll be ten shillings up front," Kyndi said with a bored look on her face.

"But Maude told me your rates were five shillings per hour," Fabian said. "And I won't be needing the full hour."

"I charge by the hour and the rates go up for skeevy dudes."

"Skeevy?" Fabian said with a wounded tone. "You think I'm skeevy? I'll have you know I'm the handsome and widely renowned Fabian, the world's greatest and bravest adventurer."

"Never heard of you. Ten shillings. Take it or leave it."

"All right, lady, but you'd better be a damn good lay." He handed over the coins, making a mental note that he'd have to steal them back later.

"Where's your room, mister? Let's get this over with."

"Upstairs," Fabian said. "If I'm paying for a full hour, I'm expecting some sensual massages or something."

"No sensual massages. You get in, you do your business, you get out. Understand?"

"Loud and clear," Fabian said as he unlocked the door to his room.

"Really, dude? The broom closet?"

"Uh, normally I get the luxury penthouse, but the inn was completely booked.  Sure, I could have used my celebrity status to kick whoever had the nicest room out of their accommodations, but that's not the kind of person I am."

Kyndi let out a loud sigh. "I'll tell you what. Nobody's at my place right now. Normally I don't like bringing creepers like you over to the house, but I really don't want to get a kink in my neck. Come on. Let's go."

She led him down a side street towards one of the fancy houses he had spotted earlier. "This is your house?" he asked. "Nice pad. Prostitution must be a lucrative business."

"I do all right," she said as she unlocked the front door and led him into an enormous parlor filled with fancy decor. Everywhere Fabian looked he saw gold goblets and crystal chandeliers and marble sculptures. Not to mention the expensive looking paintings and tapestries hanging on the walls and the diamond-studded candle-sticks that adorned either side of the doorways. He felt himself starting to drool in spite of himself. He quickly started to formulate a plan. As soon as he got his rocks off, he would bop the woman over the head, take back the ten shillings he had paid her, and then come downstairs and help himself to whatever he pleased. He could skip town afterwards and sell everything at the next city or village he came upon.

"Come on, no dawdling," Kyndi said. "Upstairs, first door on the left. I'm a busy woman. Lots of things to do."

They entered a bedroom with the biggest bed Fabian had ever seen. Several blankets made of the finest fleece covered it and he believed he spotted silk sheets underneath.

In one fluid motion Kyndi whirled out of her dress and hopped onto the bed. "Well? What are you waiting for? Get out of those clothes."

Fabian quickly stripped down and hopped on top of her. He tried to kiss her but she gave him a short, sharp slap on the face. "No kissing. No foreplay. Do your thing and then get out of here."

"My skills at seduction are hailed far and wide, but if you want to just get straight down to business, I guess that's okay, too." He slid himself into her and began thrusting. She let out a big yawn and deigned to half-heartedly wrap her arms around his back.

Fabian was trying to concentrate, but he couldn't help but notice the unmistakable sound of the front door slamming and footsteps coming up the stairs.

"Get off me, you idiot!" Kyndi said as she shoved Fabian violently away. "My husband's home! He was supposed to be out all night playing cards."

"Husband?" Fabian said with a confused look on your face. "You're married?"

"He doesn't know I do this. It gets so boring sitting in this big house all alone all the time. I had to find something to do."

"So you became a prostitute?" Fabian said. "Honey, there's lots of other hobbies you could take up. Have you ever thought of giving knitting a try?"

"Shut up and hide, you moron! My husband is a very dangerous man and he'll kill you!"

Fabian leaped underneath the bed just as he heard the bedroom door open. He peeked out just long enough to see a familiar looking giant of a man with a face covered in scars and tattoos.

"Honey, I'm home," Balooga the Mighty said.

"Hey baby," Kyndi said. "I wasn't expecting you home so early. How'd the card game go?"

"Some insignificant little worm scrotum tried to cheat me out of my winnings. Then he hit me over the head when I wasn't looking and knocked me out. He stole all my chips, too. If I ever see that shit-stain again, I'll tear off both of his arms and shove them up his rectum."

"Aw, babe. Come here. Mama will make it all better."

Fabian was wondering to himself why this woman was stupid enough to work as a prostitute at the same tavern where her husband played cards, when suddenly the bed sank under the giant's weight. The mattress came down so far that it pinned Fabian to the floor. Then it started pounding against him as the giant began making love to his wife. He tried to plug his ears, but he couldn't block out the noises the man was making, which sounded not unlike a whale being sliced up alive with a battleaxe.

After what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, Fabian thought they had finally finished, but apparently they were just switching positions and starting again. Balooga the Mighty was now grunting in a manner that reminded Fabian of a flatulent orc.

Fabian could have sworn a full week had passed by the time they finally finished and the giant man got out of the bed. "Thanks honey, I needed that. Hey, what's that on the floor over there? I recognize that cloak. It belongs to Nightshadow. Is that lousy double-crossing elf sleeping with you? Are you still here, Nightshadow, old 'friend'? Why don't you come out so I can break your legs and pound you over the head with them?"

Fabian heard the sound of the closet door opening. "Not in there, huh? Well perhaps you're hiding under the bed!"

The whole bed was suddenly tossed to the side, and Fabian found himself huddling up naked underneath the giant man's feet.

"You?" Balooga the Mighty bellowed in surprise. "I'll tear your intestines out with my bare hands and force you to swallow them whole!"

"That sounds like a lovely time, but I've really got to be going," Fabian said as he leaped quickly to his feet and jumped out the window.