The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 55

Fabian noticed a loose thread on his cloak as they left the king's chambers that he couldn't resist yanking on. It grew longer and longer and didn't seem to want to break. Finally he cut it with his dagger in a fit of frustration. He wasn't sure, but he thought the cloak was now noticeably shorter by a couple of inches. Well, he figured he could always trade cloaks with Scrote in a pinch.

"So did you blokes get your blessing?" Briawny asked as soon as they emerged back into the waiting room. "Shall we hit the road or what?"

"What's the rush?" Fabian asked. "Why don't we stay around and scope out this castle a little more? They've got to have some decent stuff stashed away somewhere in this joint. I mean the dude's a king, right? He's got to be loaded."

"Master Fabian the sooner we rescue Princess Wartha the sooner we can get back here and retrieve Oogums," Brandon said.

"Or alternatively we could just wait until the king's attention is somewhere else, grab the cat, and skip out on the princess all together."

"And who might this idiot be?" Briawny said. "What manner of nonsense is he speaking about not rescuing the princess and stealing the king's cat?"

"Oh, this is just our traveling companion Fabian," Sir Mikael said. "He's got a smashing sense of humor. Tell me, have you ever been 'ripped on' by your friends? It's a marvelously fun time and Fabian here is quite good at it. You'll have to give Briawny here a demonstration of your skills."

"I'm not too worried about that," Fabian said. "I'm sure she'll give me plenty of cause to tear her a new one. I'm completely serious about grabbing the cat and getting the hell out of here, by the way. What do you say, Scrote, are you in?"

"I really hate to think about that poor princess being stuck in the clutches of that horrible wizard," Brandon said.

"I believe you mean 'stupid' wizard," Fabian said.

"Also I think King Wangdangdoodle was very serious about hanging onto the cat until his daughter is returned to him. I think he'll have Oogums under lock and key around the clock. And I don't think kings take it very kindly when people disregard their wishes. He might want our heads."

"Fine, I didn't realize I was traveling with a bunch of pussies," Fabian said. "Well, scratch that, I guess I was pretty well aware of that fact. Hey Briawny did you know that neither of these losers have ever gotten laid? What a bunch of dorks, am I right? I'll tell you what, you're no prize yourself, but after a few tankards of ale and several days on the road without seeing any ladies I could probably be convinced to throw you a bone if that's something you'd be interested in."

"Try it and I'll slice your cock off with your own dagger," Briawny replied.

"Okay, so you're a lesbian. Duly noted. Even so you're passing by a prime opportunity to increase your own reputation. I mean when you sleep with a legend like me a little bit of that legendariness can't help but rub off on you."

"Yeah, a little bit of your foul stench might rub off on me as well," Briawny said.

"Oh!" Sir Mikael said. "That was a good one. I think she already gets this whole concept of ripping on people."

"So you're some sort of legend are you, mate?" Brianwy asked.

"You're damn straight I am," Fabian said.

"What did you say your name was again?"

"Obviously I'm the great and world renowned Fabian."

"Fabian, eh?" Briawny spat on the floor. "Never heard of you."

"You do realize we've met before, don't you?" Fabian said.

"Never heard of you, don't recognize you, never met you before this very moment, don't care about you. I guess I'll let you tag along if the paladin here insists."

"Never met me before this very moment?" Fabian sputtered. "You were just talking to us like five minutes ago right before we went in to talk to the king!"

"I remember the paladin and the young lad here. Don't recall you though. Were you there?"

"Was I there? Lady, I'm the freaking leader of this party. What I say goes. These chumps are my henchmen who do as I command and you're lucky I'm considering letting you become one of my minions as well. So if I were you I'd hold my tongue, tread lightly, and be thankful you get to bask in my reflected glory."

"I told you this one was quite the jester," Sir Mikael said. "I'm sure he will keep us entertained on our long journey."

"That's right I will," Fabian said. "I've got a lot better stories than the history of stupid sheep gods. I'll regale you with my exploits from here all the way to the wizard's tower. Don't think I won't because I've got millions of them."

"We can take turns telling tales," Sir Mikael said. "That will make the long dreary miles of road pass much quicker."

"Look no offense, but you guys are duller than dirt. I don't want to hear any of your boring stories. Now if the lady here has some lesbo adventures she'd like to share I'd possibly be willing to have a listen, but otherwise I think we should keep things focused on the star of the show, which is obviously me."

"You say he's funny?" Briawny asked. "Because I've got to say I'm not finding him very amusing. He seems like a bit of a cunt if you ask me."

"Oh there she goes ripping on you again, Fabian," Sir Mikael chuckled. "Don't look now but I think you might have met your match."

"For the love of Balthazaar," Fabian muttered. "If we're going to hit the road, then let's hit the road. There's a weird smell in this castle anyway."

"I'm pretty sure that's you," Briawny said.

"Got you again she did," Sir Mikael said.

"Believe me lady, you don't want to start anything here," Fabian said. "Because I will unload on your ass. Speaking of ass, you smell like one that belongs to an ogre's incontinent grandma."

"Bitch please," Briawny said. "I could smell your stank overpowering the sewage treatment plant in the next kingdom over."

"Yeah?" Fabian said. "Well-"

Briawny placed her index finger over his mouth before he could continue. "You might want to stop and think about what you're going to say next, because I will slice you to ribbons in your sleep."

"Hey, we're all just jesting in good fun here, right?" Sir Mikael said. "It helps traveling companions to bond, yes?"

"Yep, all in good fun," Briawny said with a suddenly cheerful smile.

"Uh, yeah, fun," Fabian said while making a mental note that he was going to have to keep a close eye on this one.

"All right then," Sir Mikael said. "I do believe we have a princess to rescue."