The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 76

They were well into the countryside before Fabian spotted their pursuers. Fifteen men on horseback. Evidently it had taken a while, but the king's men had managed to gather up all of the horses Fabian had accidentally let loose. And now they were chasing after them. "Ride faster, Scrote. They're gaining on us."

"I'm pushing Finnegrine as hard as I can. I think the poor guy's getting tired."

"Lousy second-rate horse," Fabian muttered. "If they catch us, I'm sending you to the glue factory, you hear me? I might send you anyway if the price of glue is high enough."

"Sir, I don't think threatening and belittling him is going to help in this situation."

"Are you second guessing my wisdom, Scrote? Because I'll totally toss you off the side of this horse, you whiny little nancy boy."

"I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to get him to go faster and I'll shut my whiny nancy boy mouth."

"That's good. You see, Scrote? Threatening and belittling works on you. Why wouldn't it work on a dumb animal? Stupid horse."

"Sir, I think he might be purposefully slowing down now. Maybe you really should be nicer to him."

"I think he's just a pathetic excuse for an equine and he can't stay ahead of those far superior specimens of stallion that are hot on our tail. Speaking of which, they're getting a lot closer by the second. You better figure something out fast, Scrote. I'm not losing out on my sweet kitty cat reward money. And I'm sure as hell not going back in that fat bastard's dungeon."

Brandon whipped the reins and hollered "Hee-yah!" but the horse seemed to be slowing down even more. It loped over a small hill and suddenly they came upon a group of short stout men with beards sitting in a circle around a rock.

"Aw crap," Fabian said. "More dwarfs."

"Hey, what's the big idea?" a fat dwarf with a bushy black beard said. "We're having a secret dwarf council meeting here. Who do you think you are waltzing in here?"

"Sorry guys," Brandon said. "We had no idea you were here. We're just trying to escape from some men who want to kill us."

"Yeah? Why do they want to kill you?" the dwarf asked. "Did you interrupt their secret council meeting, too? Because that's a killable offense as far as dwarfs are concerned."

"Let me handle this, Scrote," Fabian said. "Those men back there are bad men. In fact, they're a bunch of pirates. You wouldn't happen to know about that dwarf village that got burned down by a bunch of pirates a little while ago, would you?"

"Know about it? Two of my brothers and three of my cousins died in that travesty!" the dwarf shouted.

"Oh good. I mean, that's too bad. You see, those guys back there chasing us? They're the same one who burned down that village. Oh sure, they may not dress like pirates and they'll probably deny any knowledge of what happened at that village. But don't believe them. They're a bunch of murderous lying pirates and they'd gladly burn down more of your villages. In fact, that's why they're chasing us. We told them not to burn down any dwarf villages and they got mad and came after us swearing they'd burn down every dwarf village they see."

"What?" the dwarf bellowed. "Grab your axes, men! It's time we got vengeance for our fallen brothers!" The dwarfs all let out a war holler and grabbed their weapons before charging off towards the men on horseback.

"There, that ought to get those guys off our backs," Fabian said. "Now do you know how to get us back to Braithvale or what?"

"Uh, yes sir. I've lived there my whole life. I think I can find it."

"Good. Then what are we standing around here for? Get this stupid horse moving again."

Finnegrine gave a little buck and sent Fabian flying off. He landed on his arm at a funny angle and heard a snapping sound. "Damn it, I think I broke my arm. Luckily, I've still got that magic healing ball that I stole from Briawny. I mean, the one that Briawny gave me because she wanted me to have it." He rolled the ball across his arm several times. It started to glow brighter and brighter.

"It looks like it's healed, sir," Brandon said.

"Yeah, but there's still a slight ache in my muscles. Better run the ball over it a few more times." The ball grew even brighter until suddenly it exploded into dust.

"I think you may have overexerted the ball, sir."

"Damn it. I shouldn't have wasted it on your stupid finger. How's that thing doing anyway?"

"Still missing, sir."

"Eh, you don't need the pinky finger anyway. It's pretty much extraneous. The good news is my arm is pretty much good as new. It looks like it even healed that tiny scratch on my elbow that dumb lazy cleric never bothered to take care of.  Now let's get back to town so I can collect my long overdue reward."

He attempted to hop on the horse's back but it shuffled forward before he could mount it. He tried again and this time Finnegrine took a kick at his head, which he barely managed to dodge.

"Uh, sir. I don't think he's going to let you ride him after those terrible things you said."

"What? I wasn't being serious. Sometimes you've got to show tough love when you're trying to get things accomplished. Come on horse, I just need a ride back to Braithvale and then we can go our separate ways. What do you say?"

Finnegrine spat at him in response.

"I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like you're walking back to town."

"Yeah? If I'm walking, you're walking, too. Get off that horse. You can lead it by the reins, but don't even think about riding it."

"Yes, sir," Brandon said as he dismounted. "It's a good thing we're not too far away from home. So can I ask a question? What's next?"

"Well, after we collect my reward I'll give you your share minus all the percentages of it which you owe me as we discussed during the course of our travels. Then you can retire to your life on the farm and I'll probably embark on another glorious quest and increase my legendary status even more."

"I meant what I said after the princess died, sir. I changed my mind. I don't want to live a quiet life or start a family. At least not yet. I'm still young and I've got plenty of time for that stuff later if I want it. But now is the time for adventure and new experiences. And to be honest, I'm a little worried about you, sir. I think you might need me to take care of you."

"It's about time you grew a backbone. I knew you wouldn't be satisfied living your boring and pathetic little life I plucked you from. Not after you've had a taste of life on the road with the legendary Fabian. Nothing compares to that, Scrote. Now let's get paid and then we'll see where the road takes us!"