The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 13

"Seriously, man?" Fabian said. "You're robbing me?"

"That's right," the shifty man said. "Give me all of your gold and perhaps I'll let you live."

Fabian whirled around and drew his own dagger, which he held to the man's throat. "Perhaps I'll rob you instead. What do you think about that?"

"I'd say you're making a terrible mistake, stranger," the man said. "Kasey doesn't stand for unauthorized robberies here."

"Yeah?" Fabian said. "Who's Kasey?"

"Someone you don't want to get on the bad side of," the man said.

"Well, you go tell this Kasey that the famous hero and adventurer Fabian is in town now and I don't give a rat's ass what he does or doesn't stand for. Now give me all your money."

"You're going to regret this," the man said as he handed over a pouch filled with gold coins.

"Bite me," Fabian said as he whacked the man with the handle of the dagger. The man collapsed in an unconscious heap and Fabian took off down the alleyway whistling to himself.

Lacking any better ideas he decided to check out this Red Goblin tavern the man had told him about. It proved easy enough to find, and Fabian found it to be a smoke-filled, dimly lit, run-down establishment filled with pathetic looking drunks. Calling it a "dive" would be an insult to dive bars everywhere. This place was a veritable shithole.

Nonetheless, there was a pot of something cooking over a small fireplace that smelled pretty good, and Fabian could feel a rumble of hunger in his stomach. What's more, there was a rail-thin woman with stringy black hair and dark circles under her eyes that looked like she might be amenable to partying with him.

He sidled his way up to the bar and ordered a bowl of the daily special, which turned out to be some kind of pigeon stew. It only cost two copper shillings, so after Fabian inhaled the first bowl he ordered another, along with a mug of ale.

Finally feeling satiated, he turned his attention to the woman who sat by herself at the end of the bar. "How are you doing this fine evening?" he asked her.

"Shove it, you creep," the woman said as she took a drink from her cup.

"Hey, I'm no creep. I'm a widely renowned hero. You've probably heard of me. The name's Fabian."

"I've never heard of you. Now take a hike. You smell like a weasel's asshole and you don't look much better."

Fabian took a quick sniff at his armpit. It had been awhile since he'd last had a chance to bathe. "Look, I'm just going to level with you here. I've got some herbs that I've been told will get you high as fuck, and I thought you might be interested in joining me in partaking."

The woman looked at him with a renewed sense of interest. "My name is Amber," she said. "I've got a room upstairs. Would you care to join me?"

"Now you're talking," Fabian said with a lecherous smile.

She led him up a rickety staircase and into a room that didn't consist of much more than a small pallet made of straw and a ratty old pillow. There was a bucket of dirty water in the corner. Otherwise it seemed to be empty. She pulled out a small clay pipe from a pocket and handed it to Fabian. "Here, pack this with your herbs. I'm going to have another drink." She reached under the pallet and pulled out a dark glass bottle. She took several large gulps off of it and then held the bottle out towards Fabian. "You want some?"

Even from a couple feet away it smelled like rancid swamp water. "No thanks," he said as he concentrated on loading up the pipe.

"I changed my mind," Amber said with a decidedly slurred tone to her voice. "I think you're kind of cute after all. Come here."

She leaned towards him and shoved her tongue into his mouth. Fabian was assaulted with a taste not unlike rotten cheese and anchovies.

"You want to slow down a little?" he said after he managed to wiggle free of her. "We haven't even smoked this yet."

"I'm going to get more comfortable," she hiccuped as she stripped out of all her clothes. Fabian was dismayed to see she seemed to be covered with numerous bruises and lacerations, not to mention more than a few oozing red pustules. She also distinctly had a third nipple, which she had decided to pierce.

"Uh, gross," he mumbled to himself.

"What was that, sweetie?" Amber asked as she attempted to lean in for another kiss.

"Nothing. You got a light?"

"Yeah," she said as she reached back under the pallet again. She emerged with a small piece of flint and steel, which she struck a few times over the pipe until it lit up.

Fabian inhaled a big puff of smoke and immediately began to cough.

"Don't hog the pipe," Amber said as she snatched it from him. She blew out a large cloud of smoke and didn't seem irritated by it in the slightest.

"I'm not feeling anything yet, are you?" Fabian asked.

"It's hard to tell," Amber replied. "I'm already completely hammered from all the ale I drank. Why don't you take another hit?"

"Okay," Fabian said as he sucked on the end of the pipe again. He inhaled even more smoke this time and coughed so hard he thought he was going to lose a lung. There was an unpleasant burning sensation in his throat and chest, but otherwise he didn't feel any different than normal. "What the hell? This kobold said this stuff was supposed to make you feel good! I feel worse than I did before I smoked it."

"Let me take a look at that stash," Amber said as she took the pouch from him. She sniffed it and crumbled a little of the herb up in her hand. "Oh, honey, you got swindled. This is common ragweed. You might get a headache from it, but you won't get high."

"Son of a bitch," Fabian said as he threw the pipe to the floor.

"Don't worry, I know how we can make you feel good," Amber said as she grabbed Fabian's hand and placed it on her thigh. The skin there felt scaly and several large pieces flaked off as she rubbed his hand back and forth. She also seemed to have a large, ugly rash around her crotch.

He started to try to withdraw his hand, but the thought of going back out into the streets stopped him. It had been kind of chilly outside after all. He did have a little bit of gold, but why blow it on a room when the possibility of a free place to stay the night existed? "You think I could crash here tonight?" Fabian asked.

"Honey, you can stay here as long as you want. But there's not going to be much sleeping going on." She wrapped her arms around him and shoved her tongue back in his mouth as she pulled him onto the straw pallet.

Fabian let out a tiny little whimper before giving into the inevitable.