The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 15

Fabian had managed to guilt the young boy into giving him ten gold shillings by the time they arrived at their destination. He almost forgot to pretend to limp as he walked toward the adventurer's guild, but he remembered after the boy called out "I'm really sorry about your feet, mister."

He bumped right into some old geezer coming out the door.  A smoking hot blonde lady in an outfit that left very little to the imagination was hanging off his arm.  

"Watch where you're going, grampa!" Fabian called after him.  The old man responded by flipping him the finger.

"The nerve of some people," Fabian grumbled.  He noticed the kid in the cart was still staring at him, so he made sure to keep limping as he made his way inside.

Once the door closed behind him he resumed his normal walk. The adventurer's guild was decorated with numerous tapestries depicting heroic events such as knights battling dragons. There were also several stuffed monster heads hanging on the walls as well as various weapons.

A young muscular woman with fiery red hair was on some nearby mats wielding a wooden sword and battling furiously with a stuffed dummy. She looked over in his direction as the door closed behind him. "Oy! You fancy a match?"

Fabian looked around. There didn't seem to be anybody else in the guild at the moment. "No, I'm good. I'm actually looking for a job."

"A job?" the woman said as she wiped some sweat from her brow. "All right. I'll pay you two copper shillings an hour to mop the floors."

"Not that kind of job," Fabian said. "I'm looking for a quest. Preferably one with a lucrative reward. I'm a famous adventurer, you see. The name's Fabian. Undoubtedly you've heard of me."

"Can't say that I have," the woman said. "I'm Briawny. I'm the guildmaster here. So it's a quest you be looking for, eh? I've got some good quests up on the board right now. Would you like to rescue a princess?"

"Is she hot?" Fabian asked.

"She's the most beautiful maiden in all the land. At least that's what I hear. So what do you say, are you in?"

"Beautiful princesses do tend to show their gratitude in enticing ways," Fabian said as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Of course I'd have to get out of there before she wanted to get married, but it would be loads of fun until then. What exactly does she need rescuing from?"

Briawny pulled out a file from a desk in the corner and scanned it. "It says here she was taken captive by a gigantic ten headed dragon. Each head has a different ability. One breathes fire. One breathes ice. One turns you into stone. One increases your body odor to the point that it becomes noticeably offensive. You know, the usual sort of stuff. Her father, the King of Wooglebury, is offering a substantial reward as well as the princess's hand in marriage."

"Gigantic ten headed dragon, you say," Fabian said. "That sounds like a lot of work. Not to mention dangerous. What else you got?"

"Well, let's see. There's a powerful wizard who's turned all the rivers and lakes in a nearby kingdom into boiling tar."

"Yeah, I don't mess around with powerful wizards. I had a friend once who got turned into an illiterate fish who couldn't swim. Give me something else."

"There's an evil giant..."

"That also sounds dangerous. Next!"

Briawny scanned the bulletin board and flipped through the files in her desk. "Don't suppose you'd want to battle a zombie outbreak, would you?"

"Too messy," Fabian sniffed.

"Vampires?"

"Eh..." Fabian said disinterestedly.

"Oh here's one, apparently a bunch of pirates have been terrorizing the nearby Enchanted Forest."

"You got anything a little more low risk, high reward?" Fabian asked.

"It's too bad you didn't show up five minutes earlier.  There was a stunning lady wearing next to nothing who was paying five hundred gold shillings just to make sure she made it back to her Inn safely.  Old Howard the Leopard-Hearted already claimed that one just before you arrived.  He usually just hangs out in the comfy chair in the corner telling stories of his many heroic deeds, but he came out of retirement just to snap that one up.  Let me see what else I've got.  Well, there's a rich countess who's offered a reward for the return of her missing cat."

"Oooh," Fabian perked up. "Rich countesses are my favorite kind of countesses. This sounds much more my speed. Tell me more."

"Apparently it's a white, extremely fluffy kitty who responds to the name Oogums. The countess is willing to pay fifty gold shillings for her beloved pet's safe return."

"Yeah, I bet I can talk her up to at least twice that," Fabian said. "I'll take the job. So where was this pussy cat last seen?"

"She took Oogums on a picnic last weekend in the Enchanted Forest."

"That damn Enchanted Forest again?" Fabian groaned.

"Hey, maybe you could take out those pirates while you're there," Briawny said.

"Nah, I won't be doing that," Fabian said. "Get in, find the critter, get out, get paid. That's my plan."

"So you're really a famous adventurer, eh?" Briawny asked.

"My exploits are known far and wide," Fabian puffed out his chest. "I'm one of the greatest heroes of all time."

"Isn't rescuing a rich lady's cat a little beneath your talents?" Briawny asked.

"That's precisely what makes me such a great hero," Fabian said. "No feat is too small to be unworthy of my attention. I treat the most modest of adventures with the same level of expert skill and care as I do the most epic of quests."

"I see," Briawny said. "You sure you don't want to have a go at a match with the wooden swords? I'd love to test my skills against a hero of your level."

"I'd really love to give you a few pointers. But no, I'd better get to work quickly, before the trail gets cold. Seconds matter when you're dealing with a missing person case."

"It's not a person, it's a cat."

"Same logic applies," Fabian said. "Besides, I'm sure this countess views Oogums as her child. There's really no time to waste, is there? Gotta go!"

He rushed out of the adventurer's guild and in his haste he didn't look where he was going and a horse drawn cart ran right over his foot.

"For the love of Balthazaar, that hurts!" Fabian shouted.

"Gee, sorry mister," the same young boy who had driven him over here called out from the cart. "This is really embarrassing. I can't believe I ran over your feet twice in less than an hour. Can I give you another ride somewhere?"

"You're damn right you're giving me a ride, you monster," Fabian shouted as he held onto his throbbing foot. "I'm also enlisting you to help me find a cat. Now take me to the Enchanted Forest!"

"Yes sir, right away, sir."