The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 78

Fabian pushed open the door to the adventurer's guild with a flourish. "Ho there! The mighty conquering hero has returned!"

Two familiar looking young boys with peach fuzz mustaches were battling each other with wooden swords. They looked at him for a second with no hint of interest in their eyes at all before returning to their sparring.

"Where's the guildmaster at?" Fabian shouted. "I've come to collect my reward money for completing a glorious quest!"

"I'm the new guildmaster," said a bald man with a yellow scraggly beard and an eye patch from the other end of the room.

Fabian did a double take and squinted at him in recognition. "Hey, I know you. You're Arglebargle. Weren't you the bartender at Maude's Inn in Lannisburg?"

"Wow, some guy I met a while ago told me I was famous. I didn't believe him, but I guess it's true. I can't believe you heard of me. Yeah I was the bartender briefly at Maude's Inn, but I got fired after some idiot caused a riot at the card tables and nearly wrecked the place. I can't remember who that guy was. Very unmemorable person. But if I were to ever see him again, I'd definitely give him a piece of my mind, I'll tell you what."

"Yeah, I'll bet you would. I have no idea what you're talking about. But no matter. You remember me, right? The legendary Fabian? Fellow celebrity?"

"Never heard of you," Arglebargle said. "But anyway it all worked out for the best. I heard there was an opening here at the guild in Braithvale after the previous guildmaster left to go on a quest and I applied for the job. I can't believe I got it. I've never been on an adventure in my life."

"Yeah, I met the previous guildmaster. She set the bar pretty low. You're undoubtedly a huge improvement."

"Aw. thanks, pal. Now what can I do for you this fine day?"

"I'm here to collect my well earned reward for completing an extremely dangerous and heroic quest."

"Oh yeah?" Arglebargle asked. "That's incredible, mate. And what, if I may ask, was this epic quest you completed?"

"At great risk to life and limb I single handedly found the extremely rich countess's missing cat."

The two young boys stopped their sparring and started chuckling loudly. "That's so lame!"

"Yeah, what a total loser!"

Fabian spun around and gave them the stink eye. "Listen, you little pukes. I'll have you know this cat was kidnapped by a supremely powerful wizard and guarded by a gigantic dragon with ten heads. I defeated them all by myself without any help whatsoever. Oh yeah, he also kidnapped a princess. I rescued her while I was at it, just because that's the type of heroic dude that I am. How many princesses have you little spunk stains rescued? Huh?"

"None," said one of the boys. His voice cracked when he said it.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe after your nutsacks drop you can hope to be a fraction as amazing as I am, but I certainly wouldn't count on it. Now anyway, about my reward..." Fabian turned back to Arglebargle.

"Did you really defeat the wizard and kill the dragon and rescue the princess?" Arglebargle asked.

"Indeed I did," Fabian said. "It wasn't easy, I can tell you that. But the mighty Fabian always finds a way."

"You know there's large rewards for all of those feats, right?" Arglebargle said.

"There is? I mean, of course there is. Now hand over the moolah. Along with the reward for the fleabag here."

"Sure thing. I just need proof of your exploits."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You know, some sort of evidence that you really did what you said. Like one of the dragon's heads or the body of the wizard or something. I can't just be handing out money because somebody claims they did a bunch of stuff."

"But I really did!" Fabian said. "Perhaps you're misunderstanding here. I'm the legendary Fabian. My word is as good as gold. If I said I did it, then you can damn well take it to the bank that I did it. Now give me my reward money."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I got told I was too trusting at the last ten jobs I got fired from. I'm not making that mistake again. Fool me ten times shame on you, but fool me eleven times shame on me, you dig?"

"Where's Scrote?" Fabian said. "He was there. He'll tell you I did everything I said."

"Wait, I thought you said you did all this stuff by yourself."

"I did. Scrote didn't do anything. He was totally useless. But he witnessed it all."

"Yeah, I'm afraid that's not going to be enough. Sorry man. At least you've got that cat there."

"That's right I do. Right in this here crate. So why don't you give me my money for that and I guess I'll let the other stuff slide, even though I totally deserve it."

"Yeah, sorry man. The countess left strict instructions that the cat must be returned to her personally before she will dispense the reward. I'm afraid I can't give you any money. You're going to have to go see her. Congratulations on finding it though, man."

"All right, fine. How do I find this countess?"

"She lives in the huge mansion at the end of the street. It's just a few blocks due north of here. You really can't miss it. It's the gigantic bright pink house."

"Gigantic bright pink house at the end of the street. Got it. Well, I guess I'll see you around. But be sure to spread the legend of Fabian to everyone who comes in here. You got that?"

"Sure thing, man," Arglebargle said as Fabian walked out the door. "Hey, did either of you little dudes catch that guy's name?"

"No," the two young boys said with a shrug as they continued sparring with each other.

"Yeah, me neither. Oh well. What are you going to do?"