The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 53

The castle guards attempted to bar Fabian from entering on the grounds that he smelled like a cave troll's taint, but relented once Sir Mikael insisted that they were together. One of the guards asked Sir Mikael for an autograph as he had heard far and wide of his tales of heroism.

"Ahem," Fabian cleared his throat. "If you think he's anything to write home about, I'll have you know you're also in the presence of the legendary Fabian."

He was met with blank stares all around.

"Oh, come on!" Fabian said. "Really? You've heard of this bozo but not me? What does a guy have to do to gain a little respect?"

"I don't know," one of the guards shrugged. "Have you done anything worthy of note?"

"Worthy of note?" Fabian sputtered. "I'll have you know I've done plenty of noteworthy things throughout my long and illustrious career. I've defeated countless dragons and evil warlords bent on wanton destruction. I've explored uncharted regions of the map where lesser men fear to tread. I'd wager I've saved the entire world from utter annihilation on at least six separate occasions. Probably seven or eight. But who's counting, really?"

"Eh," the guard shrugged. "Never heard of you. Now please come this way."

They were led to a small waiting room outside the king's chambers where they were instructed to sit while the king finished a meeting he was currently engaged in. Fabian took the opportunity to scan around for anything of value, but the room was surprisingly plainly furnished. He figured there would be some ornate tables or jewel encrusted mirrors or something, but everything looked like it was made of boring old iron or something.

"This king seems to be lacking in a certain measure of ostentatiousness that I usually expect to see in royalty," Fabian said.

"He is known for his no nonsense, no-frills approach," Sir Mikael said with a nod.

"He's not, like, poor though, right?" Fabian asked. "He's going to shower us with riches if we rescue his daughter from the stupid evil wizard, yes?"

"When we rescue the fair maiden, the honor and glory of a job well done shall be its own reward. I also hope to ask for the princess's hand in marriage."

"Ah, getting horny, huh?" Fabian said with a wink. "About time you popped that cherry of yours, am I right Mikey?"

"She is known as a maiden of great wisdom and judgement and I believe she would make a good match for me," Sir Mikael said.

"Uh, that's all great and good, but she's also hot, right?"

"I have never actually laid eyes upon her," Sir Mikael said.

"Uh oh, that's not good," Fabian said. "She's probably a total ugmo. Hell, I bet she wasn't even really kidnapped. This was probably all an elaborate plan so the king could unload his fat ugly daughter on some unsuspecting sucker like you. It's not too late, you know. We could turn around now and just grab the cat and leave the hag in the wizard's clutches. No one would be the wiser."

"It matters not what she looks like. Physical beauty fades over time, but inner beauty is eternal and it is said that the princess Wartha is a woman of great inner beauty."

"Wartha?" Fabian said trying to stifle a laugh. "Her name is Wartha? Oh my goodness, I can picture her now. I'm thinking five or six chins. A few large hairy moles on them. Definitely some warts. I mean it's right there in her name. I'll tell you what, Mikey, I don't envy you in the slightest."

"Nobody deserves to be tortured by an evil wizard," Brandon said. "Whether it's a cat or a human being, no matter what they look like. I say we rescue Princess Wartha and Oogums and prove what real heroes we are."

"Shut up, Scrote," Fabian said. "Nobody asked your opinion. Look as long as the king is paying out some cold hard scratch, I'll totally rescue the princess. If you want to saddle yourself with marrying her that's all on you. I'm certainly not going to stop you from wrecking your life. All I really want anyway is the cat. And, of course, my fair share of the reward for the princess."

The doors to the king's chambers swung open and a familiar looking woman stepped out.

"Hey, I know you," Fabian said.

"My reputation already precedes me?" the woman asked. "I should have quit the guild much sooner."

"That's right you're the guildmaster back in Braithvale. Brainy, was it? What are you doing here?"

"Briawny," the woman said. "And former guildmaster of Braithvale. I'd always longed to be an actual adventurer, but somehow never felt I could really do it. But that all changed when this total idiot came into the guild and challenged me to a duel with the wooden swords. You should have seen this guy. He was a real buffoon. I easily bested him in combat and it occurred to me if this moron can get out there and quest, then surely I can as well."

"Really?" Brandon asked. "Who was this guy?"

"I have no idea," Briawny said. "Some total loser. He claimed he was a great legendary hero, but I'd never heard of the guy. I'm not even sure I could pick his face out of a lineup, that's how unmemorable he was. I do recall him being rather ugly though. Whoever he was, I do owe him a debt of gratitude for giving me the courage to set out on a quest. And now I have received a blessing from the king of Wooglebury himself to rescue his daughter the princess Wartha from the clutches of an evil wizard. How cool is that?"

"That's what we're doing," Brandon said. "Want to join forces?"

"Hmm. Perhaps I could use some assistance. I'm fairly new to the world of actual adventuring."

"We would be honored to have you accompany us, Briawny," Sir Mikael said as he stood up and bowed. "But first we need to receive our own blessing for this most noble of quests."

"Very well," Briawny said with a little bow. "I shall wait here for you."

A stuffy looking old man in a powdered wig and wearing red robes stepped out of the doors and cleared his throat. "King Wangdangdoodle will see you now."

Fabian unsuccessfully tried to stifle a laugh. "King Wangdangdoodle? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard. That's worse than his daughter's name. Wangdangdoodle! That's hilarious."

"The king will have your head if he hears you making light of his name," Sir Mikael said with a glare. "It's okay to make jests at the expense of your friends, but kings are another matter entirely. Please be respectful and don't forget to bow when we enter his chambers."

"Yeah, yeah," Fabian said. "I'll bow. Hold on though, I need another second to get the laughter out. Wangdangdoodle!"

"And who might I be having the pleasure of introducing?" the old man said with a little sniff.

"I am Sir Mikaeal and these are my companions, Fabian and Brandon. We have come to seek the king's blessing in our quest to rescue his wayward daughter."

"Wangdangdoodle!" Fabian hooted as he slapped his knee.

"Some people might think 'Fabian' is a stupid name," the old man said with a shake of his head.

"Yeah? Well those people would be best served by keeping their dumb opinions to themselves," Fabian said. "What's your name anyway, grampa?"

"My name is Fooflenuts, but I hardly see how that is of any relevance at the moment."

"Fooflenuts?" Fabian sputtered. "You guys are pulling my leg, right? This has all got to be some elaborate joke."

"I assure you it is no joke. The Fooflenuts name has a long and respected history in the kingdom of Wooglebury. My ancestors have served kings for thousands of years."

"I guess we've found ourselves in the land of ridiculous names," Fabian said. "All right, I'm all good now. Let's go see King Wangdangdoodle."

"Right this way please," Fooflenuts said as he held the door open.