The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 73

It turned out troll meat was rubbery and bitter, with just a hint of flavor of pickles and rotten eggs. Still, Fabian managed to force it down and settled in for a good night's sleep after Brandon and Sir Mikael gathered some wood and built a campfire.

Fabian was awakened in the morning by a whimpering noise. He opened his eyes blearily to see Brandon sitting by the fire cradling his bad hand.

"You want to keep it down, Scrote? Some of us are trying to sleep here."

"I'm sorry, sir. I was about to wake everyone up anyway since the sun is starting to rise. I was going to let you all sleep a few more minutes, but my hand really hurts. There's even pain in my pinky finger even though it isn't there anymore. It hurts in the empty spot where it should be."

"Well, that just sounds like it's all in your head, doesn't it?" Fabian said. "You think losing a finger's a big deal? I very nearly got the tip of my ear cut off one time in a battle with a troglodyte. I managed to dodge out of the way and suffered no harm whatsoever, but you didn't hear me whining about it. That's for sure."

"I'm sorry, sir. I'll try to keep my mouth shut."

"You do that," Fabian said as he rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. "Damn it, Scrote. I'm completely awake now. I guess I may as well get up." He sat up and absentmindedly ran his hands through his pockets as was his habit to make sure nobody had ripped him off while he was sleeping. "What the hell is this?" he asked as he pulled out a bright glowing blue stone.

"Isn't that the magic stone Briawny used to heal you?" Brandon asked.

"So it is," Fabian said. "I completely forgot I pilfered that. What do you know? I bet I could get at least fifty shillings for this thing."

"Uh, do you think there's any chance you could use it to heal my hand?" Brandon asked.

"Let's not be selfish, Scrote. What if there's a limited number of charges on this thing? You don't want to drain all the magic out of it like you did with that flying carpet, do you?"

"It's just, I'm in kind of a lot of pain here, sir. And I'm not sure the bandage you made from my cloak is holding. I think I've lost a lot of blood."

"Oh fine, if you're going to be such a little baby about it, we'll give it a try. Now I'll admit I'm not entirely sure how this thing works, but it didn't look that hard. Between you and me I don't think Briawny was the brightest flame on the candle, if you know what I mean. If she could do it I can do it."

"I'll do it, sir, if you just give it to me."

"This thing's going to make me a lot of money," Fabian said. "I'm not letting you handle it. You might break it or try to keep it for yourself. No, just give me your hand and I'll let this thing do its magic."

Brandon held out his hand and Fabian unwrapped the bandages.

"Ew gross. That's just nasty looking. Plus, I think you might be getting gangrene."

Fabian rolled the blue ball over Brandon's wound and it healed up instantly.

"Wow, that feels a lot better. Do you think that thing might make my finger grow back?"

"Doesn't look like it," Fabian said. "But I wouldn't worry about it. Now you've got a good story to tell. Plus missing a finger helps build character. It'll also probably make you more interesting to women, although I don't think that's going to matter too much since you're about to get tied down to the princess there."

"Uh, yeah, about that. I never agreed to marry her. I feel like I'm too young to get married. I'm not even really sure what you're supposed to do. You know, in bed and stuff."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that. Looks like the princess knows the score what with the way she was all over you. She looks like she's probably taken a few dicks in her day. You can just tell the type. But that's neither here nor there. Congratulations on getting to first base! How was it?"

"Honestly, kind of weird. It was a lot wetter and more sloppy than I imagined it would be. I also didn't know there was going to be so much tongue involved. Maybe I'm just not ready to have a girlfriend yet, let alone a wife."

"Well, I'm sure as hell not marrying her. She certainly expects to marry somebody at the end of all of this. Maybe we can pawn her off on Mikey. Wasn't he going on about wanting to ask for her hand in marriage earlier? Something about her unparalleled wisdom and beauty? Man, someone sure fed him a load of baloney. This chick seems dumber than a bucket of dungeon slime to me."

"Maybe instead of being married off as part of a reward she should wait until she finds someone she really connects with on a deep spiritual and emotional level and marry that person instead," Brandon said.

"Oh, Scrote, that's hilarious. There's no such thing as connecting with someone like that. All people are selfish monsters and tying yourself down for the rest of your life with any of them is a sure fire recipe for misery."

"You must live a really sad life," Brandon said. "I want to get married someday to the right girl for the right reasons. Maybe have two kids. A boy and a girl if we're lucky. Then we can grow old together and create a lifetime of memories."

"That's the lamest dream I've ever heard in my life," Fabian said. "As for me I'm going to sleep with as many gorgeous large breasted women as possible while kicking ass and taking names. I'm going to fight, drink, and screw my way to the grave and it's going to be awesome!"

"To each their own," Brandon shrugged. "I've had a mostly fun time on our adventures, and I'm glad we've almost seen our quest through to the end. I've learned a lot out here, but the most important lesson I think is that all I want to do is have a nice peaceful quiet life with my family and friends. I don't need fame, glory, or riches to be happy. Just the simple things in life are what's important."

"I get that it's probably intimidating to you to try to live up to my legacy," Fabian said. "I mean, it's clearly an impossible task. But as much as it pains me to say it, you do have the makings of an adventurer. I could probably even use you if you want to stick around and continue to be my assistant once this is all over. And believe me, that's a high honor coming from Fabian. I don't offer that to just anyone."

"Thanks, but right now my heart is saying no thanks," Brandon said with a smile.

"Good, because I was totally joking," Fabian said. "What would I want with a loser like you tagging along with me? You've been nothing but a pain in my ass and a disappointment this whole time. Now why don't you wake up Mikey and see if he can find us anything to eat for breakfast besides leftover troll meat?"