The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 24

Fabian was taking another deep puff off his pipe when he noticed what appeared to be a translucent woman floating in the air in front of them. "Whoah, this is some strong stuff."

"You complete moron," the woman said. "You killed me!"

"Say what?" Fabian said with a glazed look in his eyes.

The apparition sighed and turned to Brandon who was staring at her in astonishment. "Would you do me a favor, cutie? Would you knock that pipe out of his hand and smack him upside his stupid head? I'd do it, but I seem to be immaterial now."

"Are you... are you the dryad?" Brandon asked.

"I'm the eternal essence of the dryad. Now that my tree is gone I'm merely a spirit with no tether to this world. Yet it seems I cannot pass on to the next. So I think I'll stick around and haunt this idiot for awhile."

"Oh, you're going to haunt me?" Fabian said. "Big deal. You can't even touch me, you stupid ghost."

"Perhaps not, but I can call you an idiot and a moron and the king of all jackasses. And I shall do so at every available opportunity, you utter dunce."

"Eh, I've been called worse," Fabian shrugged. "Don't worry. The first cleric I come across I'll get to exorcise you anyway. You won't be sticking around long."

"I'm so happy that you're not gone," Brandon said as he leaped to his feet. He tried to give her a hug, but his arms passed right through her.

"You can't hug a ghost, dumbass," Fabian said with a smirk.

"It is you who are the dumbass, dumbass," the dryad said and waved a finger in Fabian's face. "You're ugly, too. Did I mention that?"

"I don't have time for this," Fabian said. "Come on, Scrote. Let's go back to that dwarf village and get that mangy furball so I can collect my reward."

They traipsed through the forest back towards the meadow. The spirit of the dryad followed them and continued to hurl verbal abuse at Fabian.

"You're starting to piss me off, lady. Why don't you shut up?"

"Why don't you make me?" the dryad responded. "I can't touch you, as you pointed out, but you can't touch me either. So it looks like you're stuck with me, you dim-witted buffoon. By the way, your face bears a strong resemblance to the nutsack of a goat."

"Have you spent a lot of time studying those?" Fabian said. "You look like the type of woman who's into some pretty sick stuff. If you were solid, I'd stuff you in orifices you didn't even know you had."

"As if I'd let you touch me, you pasty little puke. Why don't you do the world a favor and jump into an active volcano?"

"Hey guys," Brandon spoke up. "If we're going to be traveling together, do you think we could stop sniping at each other? I mean, wouldn't it be more pleasant for everyone if we could continue our journey in peace? Maybe even friendship?"

"Shut up, Scrote," Fabian said. "Nobody asked you for your input. Plus, it's obvious the lady is flirting with me."

"I'm doing no such thing," the dryad said. "You are the most repulsive being I've ever encountered in my lengthy existence. Also one of the most idiotic. I've met amoebas with more brain power than you."

"Yeah, and you run your mouth just slightly more than the average woman. See, Scrote? This is why you don't get in relationships with chicks. They never shut up. You get in and get out. That's the Fabian way."

"In and out in thirty seconds," the dryad said. "I bet the reason women talk so much around you is so they don't have to listen to you flap your gums, you troll's armpit."