Confessions of a Cynic

T H I R T Y - F O U R

It's all my fault.

She thought of this over and over again for the last 30 minutes since she saw the ambulance took her grandma away and into the hospital.

All she could hear were the sobbing and her thoughts playing in her mind over and over again as she sat on the cold floor, hugging her legs together, starring at the door, waiting for a positive response.

"Psyche." The familiar call of her name somehow made her feel at ease. But, she didn't look up to see. She knows who it was. "Psyche, don't blame yourself."

"There's no one to blame here but me, Eros." She said, trying her best not to cry. "I agreed to this, knowing what might happen. But I still did."

"No." Eros said, this time bending down and looked at her. She could smell his cologne and thought of how much she wanted to be in somebody's arms now.

It has been so long since she felt this so hopeless.

"I dragged you into this. I was selfish and you didn't do anything wrong." He paused for a while before sighing. "Psyche, I'm sorry."

She didn't reply any longer. She just wanted to know if her granny is okay.

Finally, as if her prayers were heard by the gods, the doctor came out from the room.

"She's doing fine."

That's all she ever wanted to hear. She didn't bother to listen to whatever he wants to say, she just want her grandma to be okay.

"Can I see her?" She asked, weakly. The doctor nodded and opened the door for her. She took a step forward, slowly and inside the room.

The room was large-a suite room to be exact- but somehow, Psyche found it confining, almost hard for her to breath. She tried to remain strong, holding back those stubborn tears that dared tried to escape but the sight of Helen weakened her in a second.

"Grandma..." She called her as she held her hand. But the call of her name didn't made her batt an eye and this made her kneel down and sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry..."

Outside the room, Eros was watching her through the glass. Why do I always make her cry like this?  He thought.

"I seriously hope you are thinking through of your actions, Eros." Beatrice told him, firmly.

"Granny, I've always thought of it. We planned to tell both of you but-"

"And then what? We found the ugly truth by ourselves. And look-look!"

"I'm sorry, granny." He bowed his head down, feeling like a little boy who has done something wrong.

"You two are serious disappointments to me. I can't believe it. I just can't!" She raised her arms before she burst into tears. Eros immediately embraced Beatrice.

"We will fix this. I will fix this, granny. If there's anyone who's to blame, it's all me. It's started all because of me. I promise you, granny."

When Eros and Beatrice went inside, they saw Psyche beside the unconscious Helena, holding her hand.

"Beatrice." Psyche stood up quickly the moment she saw her.

"Are you okay dear?" Beatrice asked and embraced her gently. Psyche couldn't help but let the tears fall again.

"I'm fine. I'm just-I'm really sorry. I really am. I was being selfish, Beatrice. I was being selfish to granny and now, look at her because of what I've done."

"Psyche, just stop blaming yourself anymore. I am a part of this." Eros told her, an annoyed feeling came over him.

"Everything would never happened if I didn't put up with you. I feel so stupid thinking about so now." Psyche replied, her tears stopped flowing and anger turned over her emotions.

"We both do. We both agreed to this and we failed. So stop putting all the blame to yourself, Psyche. It's not always about you."

"What? What the hell is that about?!" She asked, her voice higher and angrier.

"Psyche-"

"No! I'm finish with all your crap, Eros. You've hurt me and that's always what you've been doing for the last 10 years. Yet, you never ever apologize after what you have done to me that night!"

"Just stop it both of you! Just stop!"

Both of them were in silence when they heard it was from Helena. She slowly sat up with the help of Beatrice who was gently aiding her.  Helena sighed and shook her head.

"I thought this is going to fix both of you if I pretend to be unconscious for at least two days in this hospital but it seems like both of you are too stubborn to sit down and talk between yourselves." She sighed.

"Our plan somewhat failed." Beatrice shrugged her shoulders.

"WHAT?!" Psyche and Eros simultaneously said in utmost confusion and disbelief.

"Oh, don't what us. Hello, we've been working with Cupid our entire lives." Beatrice said.

"This is a romantic story!" Helena clapped, cheerfully.

"What? But-when?"

"While we were talking to the doctor, of course." Beatrice answered her with pride.

"We told him not to say anything and just had a pill for my blood pressure but we want it to look exaggerating though." Helena said, with an innocent giggle. "Beatrice, you have a brilliant idea."

"Helena, it's not really funny. We were all worried." Eros said.

"I know you'd be worried and you should. That's why you need to talk but unfortunately you two ended up arguing. How are you going to hear each other? You need to listen to each other." Helena said, gently this time.

Psyche crossed her arms together and shook her head. "Well, seems like everything is fine. I'm leaving." She said before any of them could speak to her.

"Oh, Helena. She acts just like her mother sometimes." Beatrice said, sighing.

"I know. Stubborn, yes. But, Psyche is much more passionate about things. She'll get right through this."

"Both of you, to be exact." Beatrice said, looking at Eros.

"I'll be leaving too. So great to see you going...well, Helena." Eros said and left.

"Exactly like his grandfather."

Both of them sighed.

Psyche finally went home, agitated and tired that she let herself fall into the mattress and stare at the plain white ceiling. They was music outside, cars honking, people laughing and cheering. Seems like a fun night for people. Why is it I feel so lonely though? She let herself be like that for a whole five minutes before she gathered the strength to get up and walked towards her laptop.

She stared once again at the blank page, watching how the line on the screen appear and disappear repeatedly. And even though she replayed all the events that happened she couldn't find the words to say. Her mind is in complete chaos-she couldn't find just one word to start off.

That one perfect word to fall into her head until another one came nor another until tens, hundreds, thousands of words would dive into her thoughts and into the blank page.

But, she just couldn't. Not one ever.

She let her hands cover her face, and catch the tears.

She could only cry that night. Feeling sad, feeling lonely. Feeling empty.

Save me.