Confessions of a Cynic

T H I R TY - E I G H T

"How to not feel?" Psyche asked almost whining, lying at the foot of her bed with her arms spread. 

"Feelings are essential. It makes us...well, human." Cornelia answered before sipping her jasmine tea. She has been sitting in Psyche's kitchen for quite sometime, looking at her staring at nothing and whining. She knew Psyche had a rough week and for 8 years since the first day of college that she met Psyche, the initial reaction she does when things like this happens, she pushes them away and acts as if she doesn't care about it.

"Then I don't want to become human anymore." Psyche replied.

"And you would be?"

"An alien. Or a sunflower that follows the sun everywhere. Or a rock. I think the rock is better. They just like there-doing nothing and feeling nothing."

"No. No." Cornelia shook her head and stood up. "I can't stand this." She went towards Psyche and looked down on her. "I don't want you to lie there and just missed every oppurtunity passed by you. So no. You have to stand up there."

"Make me."

Cornelia stared at her before she grabbed Psyche's newly dyed pastel pink hair and started pulling it.

"OW! HEY!" Psyche yelled with pain, trying to pull her hair back.

"No! If this is what takes you to get up and do something about your life, I will really do it!" She continued pulling her hair.

"Ow! Ow! Okay! Okay! Just stop!"

"Promise me!"

"Okay! I promise! I promise!"

Cornelia eventually stopped.

"Geez. You haven't pulled my hair since that time I refused to enter that journal competition in the university." She said, siting up and fixing her hair.

"And you won that time."

"1st place isn't winning."

"It's better than not winning at all. Listen, I don't like watching you not living your life to the fullest. Yes, you're a cynic. I get that. And yes, the world is unfair and cruel but you're still the one who gets to do what you want with your life."

"You always think that you're out of control and you show this facade that you don't need to fight because it'll always end the same. But the way I see things, Psyche, you have people around you who loves you. Your grandmother, Eros and me, your friend. I'm always here for you."

They grew silent that moment. Psyche couldn't believe that Cornelia just said. "Cornelia-"

"So so, that's it. I've already said what I wanted to say." She said, almost looking embarrassed.

"Wow. I...well...I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Just do it."

Psyche nodded. "I need to go to granny first."

A push of the button broke the silence of Helena's home. Helena, who was baking some raisin cookies, heard the doorbell sang and wondering who could it be standing outside her porch was her first reaction. 

"Psyche." She said, the moment she saw her grand daughter outside. 

"I'm sorry." Psyche said, letting out a breath she didn't realized she has been holding for long. Too long.

"Psyche dear-." She extended her arms towards her, worried.

But she continued, "I haven't been fair to you and I know I've been shielding away from any affection that is given to me from you. Especially from you who has given me nothing but all the love I thought I could never understand and could never accept for in fear that I could lose it. But the truth is I am so scared to undergo through that abandonment again thinking I would never be able to survive through it." 

Helena was deeply moved at her words and embraced her with warmth. It made Psyche burst into tears. 

Later that night, after a long drink of her wine, she let her fingers lay again on the keys of her laptop and position them. But still, they went frozen and stagnant and she took her fingers away from it again. They were shaking although not terribly. She let out another sigh and leaned on her chair, about to give up.

Tomorrow is her last day to submit the article however, no words could come right out. 

Or perhaps there were too many and complex and all over the place that she doesn't know where to begin. 

She took the wine bottle and help herself with another glass but nothing was left. Not even a drop.

"I should let myself give a breather."

The cool wind did a little help on her. She watch the city lights at a distance, hearing faint sounds below her and the darken sky with little twinkles calmed her. The moon was already at its peak-large, bright and yet lonely. Does the moon ever get lonely? 

She stood there, letting her mind wander off to places her feet couldn't take her. She look at some far distance and let her mind wander there too. Although this time, she knows where she is heading. Some place she would never even want to go. 

But maybe-just maybe-it could help her. 

She had her hand on her pocket and reached out her phone. 

"Granny-do you have...do you have mom's number?"

"Honey, could you get the phone for me please?" Lillian said to her husband as she tries to wash one last place before saying she is finally done withe dishes.

"It's for you."

"Oh? Who is it?"

"Your daughter. Psyche."

Lillian's husband was watching an evening show-the one where he doesn't really enjoy the plot of the story but he still does to make him feel sleepy. But, in today's episode was quite an enjoyable one. 

He was about to call his wife who was a the foyer for quite some time already-he realized. But, she saw her in tears, gripping the phone with her hand while the other was touching her mouth lips. He peek and could barely hear her words but he found some words escaped her lips and a smile after it, as she close her eyes tightly.

He knew she hasn't had a good relationship with her daughter and at times, he could take the blame for it. But as he observed, they have a personality of not showing any sign of weakness which they perceived as being strong but in their case, it was most likely fear.

And seeing her this way-he knew she has been hoping for this and it finally came and she took the opportunity.

And he was happy for her. 

For both of them.

Psyche finally went back to her apartment and she was feeling light. Like a large thorn has been pulled and thrown away.

She sat on her chair and gently place her fingers on the keys and began.