Confessions of a Cynic

T H I R T Y - N I N E

"Confessions of a Cynic" 

by Psycynic, Staff Writer.

Let me tell you a story. 

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, there lived a little girl. She was no princess and she has no castle.

She was young and innocent and yet, life played an unfortunate game with her. All she ever wanted was to be saved but she soon realized that every man is for his own and so, she saved herself.

And she grew to build an armor around her, guarding herself well with it. She grew to have a different perspective towards everyone around her. They soon call her a cynic and it was something she has taken by heart and decide that it is who she is.

I was raised alone in a house with toys and maids and delicious food but I never get to experience to eat on a Friday night dinner with my parents or watch movies with them or making them watch me present on a school play. 

At nine years old, I watch my father left me and years later I watch my mother have her own family as well. I was left at the middle, not knowing where I belong.

But, despite all of it, I had my fairy godmother or should I say fairy grandmother. She was the one who showered me love and support when I had no one.

I pushed all that warmth and love away though. 

I guess growing up, I never really understood what the concept of love is. I brought it with me and into my career but I've been struggling. I was given-what may be my last assignment about discovering of oneself through romance. I didn't know what to do about it.

Until just a few weeks ago, I experienced a bizarre and ridiculous event: I got engaged. A fake engagement.

I got a fake engagement to a man who I spend almost the entire years of my existence with. It was out of desperation that I agreed to his terms that having this pretend engagement would save his relationship with his ex and this might be quite a great article to write about, hoping that this would help me save my career.

Both of us went to a couples retreat where we came to this beautiful island of Greece. 

It might sound as an easy job to just pretend to be a fiance', making his ex jealous, do research on couples and make a article about it but, it wasn't really. 

What did I found in that one week trip? My deepest darkest fears.

We may not notice this but we always tend to run away from fears. We may act differently but it's still the same. In my case, I fear because I don't understand how love works. I took out my armor of defense-to not care about it and use sardonic humor. 

I was surrounded with couples and get to know them. They were all different but they were there for one thing: love. We get to have classes, romantic dinner dates, activities and listen and learn from other couples as well.

My first initial reaction to this was the exhausted sigh followed by a roll of eyes. But the longer I stay there, the deeper I understood that they made a decision and they want to stay together. I ended up realizing that they were trying to stay and rekindle flames in their relationship simply because they chose each other and they wanted to be with them.

I smirked, mocked, laughed and ridiculed their intentions of having that perfect relationship build between them.  But the truth was I've always been jealous simply because I thought I will never get to have it. 

I left the island just about the last day of the retreat because it was all too much for me. I also left the man who for years, I have been denying that I was never in love with him. But, I am. I still am.

I was broken when I was a little girl. I can fix it all again now.

I was thankful that I went to that retreat because I've change my perspective. The world will always be unfair and cruel. It will always be that way. The world would never give that fairy tale romance we fantasized but the reality is worthwhile. Nothing lasts forever-let's make everything count then. Pain is essential but we move on and grow.  We just have to take that leap of faith.

What happened to the girl at the end of the story? 

Well, she's going to love again. She might still be the cynic everyone knew but she's going to love again. 

She's going to take that leap of faith.