Mateo's Little Crush

Depression

As I walked home I decided to stop at the park to do a youtube video. Dancing just makes me feel better but I know this time it won't help. I set up the camera and chose the song I was gonna do. I decided to do "In Reverse" by Ayo and Mateo. I don't really know Ayo that well so I really just wanted to do a song with Mateo in it so I can feel like we haven't lost connection. I turned on the camera and played the song. As I began I did the original dance they created for it but as it went along I just got emotional amd started free Styling. I started going super hard and started sweating. I was also tearing a bit but you couldn't notice due to the sweat all over my face. I was dancing like I never had before and I dont know if it was good or bad. The video ended and as soon as I stopped I saw Mateo and Ayo staring at me on the sidewalk. I fixed myself and waved.

Ayo: That was lit Tanya!

Me: Uh thanks yea

Ayo: Mateo support your girlfriend dont you think that was amazing!

Mateo:Bro be quiet

Me: Ehmmm actually we are not together anymore

Ayo: What! WHY?

Mateo: I would have told you if your loud self would not have been interupting every five seconds commenting on how good Tanya's dancing is.

Me:mmm..,,

Ayo looked at me and apoligized.

Me: It's cool

Ayo:Well I'll talk to you later

Me: for sure

Ayo started to walk down the sidewalk and Mateoo followed behind him and looked at me. I did a little wave and he jerked his head up and did a little smile. They walked out of sight and I sighed. I packed up my stuff and started to walk off to my apartement when the middle schoolers got out of school. They all spilled out and then I saw Jade holding her bag. She spotted me staring at her and she smiled and mouthed something to me. I could make out all of it but it was something like I can't have-something then you can't or whatever.

It was night time and I was cuddled up in my covers on my phone ready to go to bed. I was scrolling through insta and whatever all bored and then I rolled over an account that said @JadesBackupAccount. I knew it was probably nothing but I clicked on it and went to the personspage. The profile picture was of the Jade I know and her account only had 5 followers so obviously not many people know of this account. I scrolled through the pictures and in all of them it was pictures with her with a bunch of different guys. I'm so not suprised about this, like come on now.

This does prove Jade is a Snake but it doesn't matter now because everyone already knows that but they are ignoring it because know I'm supposedly the new Snake. I rolled my eyes and put down my phone. I plugged the charger in and fell into sleep.

The next day came and I truly didn't want to go to school. I don't even want to see anything living right now. I stayed in bed for another 10 minutes and forced myself to get up. I did my hygiene and didn't attempt to put any effort into my outfit. I out on a blank tanktop shorts and converse's. I put my hair into a bun and grabbed my bag I left the apartement skipping breakfast. I said hi to Martin before I walked out and began walking to school. It felt weird walking to school alone again but I'm gonna have to get used to it again. I was getting back to my old habits I had before.
I constantly looked down at my shoes and not look back up. When I do this it's weird because I feel like if I'm doing this there is no way for me to face real lif. I'm not aware of anything. If I'm not looking at the harsh world then it has no reason to be harsh to me. Thats why all of this is happening. I was to aware of everything and got to free and care free. Adults allways tell you to be aware of your surroundings but then you get to opinionated and curious and then you go explore your surroundings and thats when you get sucked in and you can't get out. I almost got sucked in. That was almost me. I was the prey and life was the predator. Suddenly I noticed I was shaking and I wasn't moving anymore. Knowing I was risking a lot I looked up and saw Mateo staring at me. Why he allways got to be there!

I wasn't even crying but my face was puffy and flushed out like I was. Vains were popping out of my head and I could feel them throbbing. I was feeling dizzy but I know I wasn't about to pass out. It's the kind of dizzy when you've just been thinking to much and the adrenalime is rushing through your head and your gettting back to reality but you're really struggling. I rocked back and forth looking up at the sky now.Thinking about how great it must be to be up there. No cares inthe world. You get anything you want without hesitation whatever you dont want to happen doesn't and there is zero hesitation. *click* I did a little jump and took a huge breath like I was holding my breath and I finally gave out. Mateo was grabbing my shoulder looking at me.

Mateo: Tanya.Are you alright?

I stared at him for awhile and then srunched my face trying to focus my eyes. I continued my walking not answering his questions. It's getting worse.Why? It's not the worst thing thats happened to me. Maybe it is? Why is this all happneing to me at once?
I got to school and put away my things and got ready for class. Before I could leave for class Mateo stopped me at my locker and would not move until I answered his question. I didn't want to answer because I didnt want him to worry about me. If he found out how severe my depression is getting he's going to freak out.

Mateo: Are you ok? Why were you acting like that before?

Me: I'm fine. What about when you said we should be apart for awhile? Let's just stay away from each other like you said. It was so hard to say that when this is the reason for my severe depression and because I really dont want to be away from Mateo.

Mateo: No, Even though we are taking time away from each other that doesn't mean I should stop caring for you. Now is there something wrong?

Me: No, I told you the first time and I'll say it again.

Mateo: Tanya

Me: Mateo stop. Just take the time you want and need....what we both need ok.

Mateo stood there in silence.

Me: Listen Mateo just go I'm fine.

I brushed past Mateo feeling really bad about not answering his questions. He was still being so sweet to me even after what I said to him before and I didn't even have the politness to answer them truthfully.At the same time it would be even crueler to have the nerve to wine my depression problems to him so he could worry about me when I was the one wrong hurting others. I was the one in the wrong and he will be the one having to worry about the girl who did him wrong and I don't want that. I need to stop before I get to deep.*click*

I came back to reality and realized that if had went any father I would be sucked in cause I already was shaking a little. Mateo was still looking at me even more concerned.

Me: I'm fine it's just super cold ok.

I continued to class as allways looking down at my ratty dirty converse's.

All the classes with Mateo were seriously nerve racking cause I just knew Mateo was staring at me.Sometimes I would turn and look at him and he would mouthing things to me that I didn't understand. I'm seriously so tense and I'm honestly gonna fall apart if I haven't already.

This chapter felt to emotional for me I seriously can't take it but I try to give you guys different feels and different vibes and variety.