Reckless Behaviour (Exo Kai)

Hopelessly in Pain

Chapter 31 – Hopelessly in Pain

Jina

Right now doing my part to get through this show, I felt like I was somewhere else.

I didn't even realize what I was doing, just going through the motions of stripping, putting on the a show. When I got off the stage naked, I didn't feel the hands that were grabbing at me and I never flinched.

I was lost in my own mind. I was thinking about the damage I must have done to Kai. What had I done? I flinched when someone forced their fingers on my sensitive skin roughly. They must have worn a sharp ring of some sort because it scarped my inside.

Finally coming down to reality, it was too late because I had been too ignorant and this unknown stranger was trying to force more of his fingers in me and it stung like I was being ripped in half. I pushed away crying out in pain, falling into the arms of another guy. It was a never-ending line of grabby hands.

Suddenly, there was a firm grip on my shoulders and everyone backed off. I looked up and saw one of the bouncers, he must have seen how much pain I was in. As the bouncer dragged me away from there I couldn't have thanked him enough. I would be loosing a big chuck of the money I usually got but at this moment it was all too much and I was so close to breaking. I knew too that if I broke now, this would be it for me. I don't think I would ever be able to get up again. My life had finally managed to hammer me down.

I thought the bouncer might be taking me back stage but he surprised me when he took me though another door and to a closed off part of the club. He nodded me into a room once we were standing before a closed door. Instantly I realized who would be behind that door. I gasped with realization and ran to the door, opening it see for myself that he was okay.

"God! I'm so sorry Kai. Are you okay? Is everything okay?"

He turned around to look at me, his eyes traveling from my head to toes to back again and suddenly I was realizing how I must have looked with nothing but the money around my waist.

"Fuck, Jina, you...." He started but stopped mid sentence his gaze freezing between my legs. I squirmed feeling conscious; I was always conscious around him. I could be shamelessly naked in front of any other and not feel a think but Kai had the ability to always make me feel bare even with my clothes on. Before I could call him up on it, I saw him visibly pale before he looked up at me again with a look of such horror that I was taken aback.

Just like that, he was next to me, pulling me towards the couch and pushing me down. I filched away because I wasn't ready for his touch and it seemed I couldn't tolerate anyone's touch on me these days but all thoughts left my mind when he forced my legs to part before running his fingers on my skin exposed him with the way he was holding my legs. He held his fingers up so both of us could get a closer look. I saw the smear of blood on them and tensed even more. This wasn't the first time this happened but I hated that he had to see this.

"Why do you do this?" He sounded so fragile and broken that I felt my own heart shatter. I thought I was close to broken before but he looked even worse. Where were the damn walls when I needed them most. "You would go through something like this rather than let me help you?" I swear I could see tears on his eyes but he looked away before I could see anymore and confirm my suspicions. Kai looked around but then gave up with a sigh, pulling me to sit up on the couch before settling himself and then gently settling me on his lap. I let him handle me because I craved his warmth and he looked like he would just go off the edge with the slightest push from me.

"Tell me," he whispered at my ear, his voice sounding tortured. "Have you ever seen things from my perspective? What would you feel if I was the one stripping and being abused while you had all the money in the world to take care of me, yet I wouldn't accept?"

His words shocked me enough to get a response. "But that's different because I L....." I trailed off, horrified I had almost given my secret away. It was only for me to know.

"Say it," He squeezed my arm, not roughly but gently, almost a supportive caress., letting me know he was there. "Finish your sentence." Kai sounded like he knew what I was going to say.

It's different because I love you. That's what I wanted to say but I couldn't. I had nothing more to loose and it was clear that what I was doing was hurting him just as much as it was hurting me. Still I couldn't get myself to say it out loud. I don't know whether I would ever be able to. I'm sure he already knew my feelings for him but still thinking about saying it out loud felt so final, like it would be set in stone and I would end up being ripped to pieces when he left me behind because this was Kai, he never settled.

We both held our silence for a moment and slowly I started relaxing into him. My side resting on his chest, his arm around my back, keeping me still, my head tucked under his chin. We didn't break our embrace until I started shivering. I was still naked.

Kai cursed before he moved me away to look around but not seeing anything useful, he took off his jacket and then the shirt.

"We have got to stop doing this." I said through chattering teeth, giving him a rueful smile. Kai shook his head as if he was exasperated with me but still there was a grin pulling at his lips.

I reached out to take the shirt and the jacket from him, trying to get off of his lap but he brushed my hands off with one while the other tightened around me.

"Let me." He said while he got busy with getting my arms in his shirt and then doing up the buttons before getting the jacket on as well.

Facing him I reached up and touched to push back his hair, my fingers lingering. He was looking at me with such intensity that I gave an involuntary shiver of awareness, yet at the same time he looked so hurt and tortured, I wanted to take away his pain. I turned fully into him, moving my legs to straddle his lap but lost in the moment I forgot myself. It wasn't until I flinched with pain when his denim clad thigh touched me between my legs did I realize my mistake. We both froze but it was Kai who moved first, widening his legs so that my wounded skin wouldn't be touching him.

"Do you ... I mean did you consent?" He squeezed his eyes shut as if begging for me to put him out of his misery. I've never seen him this vulnerable and I was shocked to realize it was because of me.

"Kai – It's not what you think." Even my own voice sounded shaken. I was surprised about his reaction. This wasn't a reaction from someone who didn't care. I was starting to realize my own mistake but first I need clear something up. "I never had to go that far. It's just some guys can be a bit rough when they ..... touch." His eyes flashed with fury and my arms squeezed his shoulders in a silent effort to comfort him, the irony of the situation wasn't lost on me. "It got intolerable sometimes and it was the worst." I felt him stiffen up with each of my words. "I would go home bleeding and bruised, filled with nightmares. I thought I would never be able to enjoy any mans touch without feeling disgusted, ever again." I looked into his eyes. "No even yours." I cupped his check pleading for him to understand. " But still if you touch me now, you will find that I'm wet because its you." I wanted him to understand how much I trusted him, how much he meant to me. I was too much of a coward to say it out loud, this was the only way I knew how. I guided his hand in mine to between my legs, I tried to keep in the flinch because I was still sore but I knew he felt my reaction but he also felt the truth of my words.

Kai groaned. "God Jina." He was breathless, his touch feather light as to not hurt me but to my surprise he didn't linger and I started doubting. Was he disgusted that other people had touched me? This time I was too lost in my emotions to keep my poker face on and I felt my face fall. I tried to get off but his hand held me to him. He didn't start speaking until I looked up at him.

"What I feel for you, I don't know how to define it, I don't know how to express it but there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for you, that's what I feel for you." His words left me gutted to my core. "Yet to see you like this? Battered and bleeding, you might as well take a gun and shoot me in the gut." I cried out at the pain in his voice but he wasn't done. "I would give anything to be the one bleeding and in pain right now. Dose that mean love? I don't know because I've never felt like this before but I'm not letting you go again." He held on to me with his hands. "Never again" He whispered melting the walls around my heart, leaving me all bare for him.

A/N: Finally it's out there people. Jina's still holding back though Kai seems to be going all out now. What do you think the future holds?

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