Case Closed (Hariana | H.S & A.G)

Part 17: Here For You

"I just want to be at one with this apartment one last time, maybe it'll make me change my mind" I say as I lay on the floor of my apartment just aimlessly staring up at the ceiling. I really mean what I said even though I tried to make it sound like a joke, I want to just stay and lay here and memorize every single detail of this place but I also want to just get out.

"If anything it'll make you want to leave right now, the floor isn't exactly the most comfortable spot to lay around. But I will join you" he laughs as he comes and lays down beside me. He's right, it's not that comfortable but I don't care, I'm not ready to just up and leave this place.

"You're just not thinking about this in the right way. You have to become one with the floor. Watch... 'ohm this is a wonderful floor, ohm I'm one with this floor'" I joke to try and get rid of the serious tone that I could feel building up.

"Wow you're really good" Harry laughs as he turns slightly and wraps his arm around me and gives me a kiss as I squirm, trying to get back to my meditating position.

"Can I be honest with you Harry?" I ask as I give up and lay under his grasp and he just stares at me. "I have no idea what I'm doing" I joke as he rolls his eyes and I continue talking about meditating. I was gonna open up but for some reason I can't help but just turn things into a joke, I always do this. "But I want too! I don't know I think it's cool, there's something cool about that whole thing, I feel like one day I'm genuinely gonna try it all out. Especially here, in Hollywood, everyone talks about their ora and whatever, I want to be able to talk about meditation or walk into a room a judge its fengshui, you know that kinda stuff" I rant.

"Is this like your need to learn how to play the trumpet?" Harry asks and I burst out laughing.

"It is exactly like that yes" I admit. He's right and I didn't even think about it. I have a lot of urges to try and learn different things that aren't really necessary and that I never actually do or let go off.

"Okay, I think it's time for you to go to bed" He laughs and so do I even though those words make my heart drop down to my stomach. I don't want to go to bed since I haven't slept on my bed since the incident. The thought of hopping in bed makes my skin crawl and I don't know what to do. I can't explain it to Harry, I don't want to, but how are we not gonna sleep? "C'mon" says as he sits up and looks down at me.

"Harry?" I say as I try to figure out what to do. Where do I even want to sleep tonight? "Can we build a fort?" I ask since it's the only thing I really want to do. I remember when my mom passed Harry and I made a tent to help me feel better and it really helped. Thankfully, he agrees and just starts building the fort, no questions asked.

"Are you comfortable?" Harry asks after we enter and lay under the fort we've made in the middle of my living room. He's so sweet but I can't help but feel guilty. I mean I'm making him sleep on the ground even though I have a perfectly good bed just a few feet away. I just keep taking from him and I feel like I've been giving him nothing in return, I love him but I haven't really put as much energy into showing it as I would like to.

"I care more if you are. I'm sorry, I know all of this isn't ideal for you but I do love you. So much, and I promise I'll prove it to you" I admit, I know they're just words but it is true and it's better than nothing.

"Ari you don't have to prove anything" he says which is so sweet. I hope he believes that but it's not gonna stop me from trying to put in a lot of effort as soon as I possibly can.

"Thanks. Can we watch an episode of The Office before we sleep?" I ask since I'm not really in the mood to fall asleep. My mind's been running all day and I think it be nice to just cool down a bit. Harry agrees and takes out my laptop. We cuddle up together just watching the episode, I've seen this show like a hundred times and I can't help but zone out again. I can't stop thinking about Ricky, I feel so stupid for everything that happened, I wish I never ever met him. Before I know it I feel tears begin to form in my eyes, I feel so hurt I can't even begin to describe it. "I'm humiliated" I blurt out as the tears now flood my face.

"Ari, don't cry please" I hear Harry say as he turns to face me, I feel his hand cup my face as he wipes the tears falling from my eyes while he tries to comfort me. I feel like I'm scaring him and I don't want to but at the same time I want to just let this out and he's the only one I want to tell.

"It's so hurtful and embarrassing and I want to tell you about it but I can't! I can't repeat any of it! I don't want you to think I'm not trying with you or something because I know how important that is to you and- to us! But it just sucks, I want to bleach my brain but I can't, I want to just to talk about it but I won't, I just want to move on and it feels impossible. I hate him! And I feel so- angry, inside. I-" I ramble, trying to put words to all my thoughts and feelings. It feels weird to mention Ricky in front of Harry, or even be so open about things I would never be so open about usually, but it's almost like I'm just projectile vomiting all these words out and can't stop.

"Ariana, I-I" Harry stutters which absolutely breaks my heart, I hate how much stress I'm putting on him, I hope he doesn't try and leave me because he has every right to. "I don't know what to say to you right now, I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make all of this better but I don't know. I can't imagine how you feel but I still want to do everything I possibly can to be there for you. You shouldn't have to feel humiliated but if you do that's okay, you won't always feel like that! This isn't your fault Ari none of it is your fault! You have to believe that, I know it doesn't just work like this, I can't just say something and have you believe it and feel better instantly. But think about it, if this was your fault why aren't I treating you like that? Why is no one else treating you like shit? It's because you don't deserve it, some people are just fucking horrible people. No one would ever think this is funny, no one thinks you're a joke. Okay Ari, I promise. Just please, stop crying! It'll be okay, it's okay, I'm here for you" he says and I'm in shock. How is he so perfect? I can't thank God enough for bringing him into my life. I hate how I feel but I know things will be okay, and it's because of him. I wrap my arms tightly around him as I lay my head on his chest. I'm still crying but I try to cool down since I genuinely do feel a bit better.

"I'm just so confused, I don't know what to do" I sniffle as the tears roll down my face, I feel Harry brush the hair out of my face as he rubs my back and I fall asleep in his arms as the tears continue to stream down.

...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How can this happen?! This can't happen! No! No! No! No! No! He's ruined enough of my life, he can't take this from me too! I feel sick, It's not fair! It's not fucking fair! Please God, please help me!

"Ariana? Ariana are you okay?" I hear Harry ask as he bangs on the bathroom door. It's the middle of the night and I've been in here a while and I was hoping he wouldn't realize which was stupid, of course he would realize.

"Uhh, yea I was just cleaning up, give me a second and I'll be right out" I announce as I twist the knob of my sink and watch the water pour out. I quickly splash some on my face hoping it will take away the puffiness forming around my eyes, I don't know if it'll help but it's all I have, I hope Harry doesn't turn any lights on. I've been crying, my eyes are red and I look like a mess but I can't let Harry know that. Because if he knows that then he'll want to know what I've been crying about and I can't tell him that. How am I suppose to tell him that? It'll ruin everything, I don't know if it's true yet and maybe that's the worst part, not knowing. I need answers and I need them now but I can't get them. I might have just realized something that ruins everything, my life, our relationship, everything! How am I suppose to tell him that? How am I suppose to tell him that I might be pregnant?