Case Closed (Hariana | H.S & A.G)

Part 44: Comedian

Author's Note: I just want to add a warning that this chapter and the ones following will include topics such as depression and suicide! Please be cautious of your own mental health if you choose to continue reading!

Also I just want to mention that I'm always here if anyone needs to talk about ANYTHING! XOXO

3 YEARS LATER

"Come on this is huge! Let's go celebrate!" I hear Amy exclaim as she grabs my hands and starts to do a little dance which makes me laugh.

"Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood right now" I say with a sort of pout/smile/look of disgust which I'm sure makes me look very strange, I'm trying to exhibit all my emotions at once. I'm pouting since I know I'm disappointing her, I'm smiling because I recognize that this is something to be happy about, and I'm acting disgusted since going out to party isn't really what I want to do.

"Ariana you just got nominated for two academy awards! C'mon!" she whines. It's insane to think about. I can't believe I've been nominated for two Oscars, both for my writing and acting in a film that I created. This is the kind of thing I've always dreamed of. If I died right now I wouldn't even care, I've accomplished all my goals. Although, I'm only really just starting which is crazy. I have a whole entire career ahead of me. I finally feel like I've made it. At least career wise, I'm respected, admired, and legendary.

"i know but- I really just don't want to" I shrug. It's the truth. There's only one thing I want to do, one person I want to be with.

"Alright, well call me if you change your mind" Amy says as she gives me a hug before I head out of her apartment. We were watching the nominations being announced at her house since there was a really high chance I'd be nominated and now she wants to go celebrate but I'm not in the mood. I'm happy she accepts that.

I make my way out of her apartment and towards my car. Once I enter it I take a moment to just breathe and collect my thoughts. I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be, I mean it's an amazing achievement in my career but, who cares? I don't. I mean I want my career to be successful but it already was, before this, it's not a big deal to me.

No matter how hard I work, no matter how much people love me, I will never have the one person I care about. My mom.

...

"I just- I miss you so much. I have no one anymore" I say as I wipe the tears from my eyes. After I left Amy's I drove straight over to her and now I'm sitting by her grave just talking and I know that she's listening. I really wish I could hear her voice, just once more. Sometimes I think about just ending it all so I can be with her but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid that it won't work, that I won't see her and it'll all be for nothing. I wish I still had her in my life, I love her and miss her and I'm just so alone. "There's nothing here for me anymore. I'm tired of this. I want you, I want to be with you" I cry. "But, I know you'd be so upset if I tried anything, I know you don't want me to so I won't. I just I wish I had someone. Please God, if you're listening, please give me someone, my soulmate, whatever, please" I begin to beg before actually starting to pray.

I know life is about more than just love but I need it. I have no one, I feel so alone, I don't have my mom, I just hope God is listening and I hope 'my time' to have someone to love me and care for me is soon. Everyone I know is also successful and talented but It feels like everyone around me is experiencing this genuine happiness and value in their life and it all seems to be coming from love

...

"Okay so what's going on? What did I do?" I ask as I sit in my boss, Lorne Michaels' office. It's just me, Lorne, a few of the shows producers and even some NBC executives that I don't really know. I just know that they're pretty important people. I'm nervous, no one in the room looks happy, things feel pretty serious, no one's telling me what this meeting is about and I'm worried that I've done something wrong.