I Checked Out the Badboy's Boxers

(40) Always and Forever

Dear Alexis Anderson,

You are the best, most amazing girl i've ever met. I'm so in love with you. I don't think enough time could ever make me grow tired of you. The time we spent together simply will never be long enough for me.

I just can't get enough of you. You're so perfect in everything you do. I love the way you tease me, and act like my mother, and I love the way you're attitude can change so quick. I love how you're possessive of me, and always look out for me, and want what's best for me. I love that a lot.

Meeting you was the best thing that's ever happened to me. By far. I don't know when it happened, that I fell in love with you, but it did. I fell in love with your smile, with the way you're hand fits perfectly in mine, and with the way you kiss me. I love you so much. I don't think I'll ever stop.

It's making me insane, this feeling trapped in my chest. My heart is crying out for you, but we're done. This time for good. I knew when you told me we'd never speak again that you meant it. That's another thing I've grown to like about you. You speak your opinion and you back it up. You're not one to be all talk and no walk.

It was like something in me broke, when you left. Suddenly the house felt like a dead silence, and it wasn't a comfortable one. After, I stood there and watched the place you, only minutes earlier, graced with your presence. I watched your shoulders turn, and your calves bend slightly as you turned, and then I watched your hair, it's beautiful waves cascading down your back, as they swayed slightly side to side as you walked out of my life forever.

And in that moment, the strings in me broke. It was like the ties that used to connect us, and hold you so close to me, were snapped. And it's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I will never be sorry enough for what I've done to you. I will never forgive myself.

I hope you're doing okay. Maybe you've moved on. Maybe you're seeing someone else. I guess I won't find out. All I know is it kills me inside to think of someone else touching you. Someone else holding you, someone else's lips against yours. The thought of that consumes me, it plagues my mind at night when I try to sleep. I close my eyes and the demons of jealousy and regret take over, as my mind spirals into a dark abyss.

This was never supposed to happen. I was never supposed to fall in love with you. I was a player. I wasn't that guy that changed for the new girl. But you came, and suddenly I was. It wasn't a love at first sight, because I was a total asshole to you at first. Cocky, arrogant, you name it. I didn't realize who I was dealing with. But you, Alexa? You changed me. You fucking stole my heart right out of my fucking chest and you didn't even realize what you were doing.

You own me. Everything you want, I want to be yours. Everything you desire, I tried my best to have given to you. Everything life has to offer, you deserve it all. You're the puppeteer, holding me and controlling my life, because my life's purpose has become you. All I want is for you to be safe, and to be happy. With me. Then I fucked it up, and now I've lost that.

It's gone, and you're gone, and I know you're not coming back. I'm not stupid enough to plant in myself the idea of a false hope, the idea that you might come back to me, because it's not going to happen. You're never going to be mine again, yet I know I will forever and always be yours.

My heart isn't even in my chest. Even now, as I'm writing this, I hear it beating, and I can feel it pulsing, but it's just another stupid organ in my stupid body that fucked up and lost you. My heart will forever and always be yours to keep.

I hate that we're not together. I hate it with every single ounce of my being. I was put on this earth for one reason, and that's to be hopelessly and undoubtedly in love with you. I still am. I know when looking at this situation, I look stupid. I'm chasing after the girl that is no longer mine. I should just move on, right?