The Principal 2

Chapter 25

***im just talking to myself but it's all good**
-June 13-
-Jessica-
So today is two years since my mom passed away so I'm going to pay a visit to her grave, I haven't in awhile, it honestly just makes me want to cry thinking about it. Everyone assured me everything would be okay and that my parents would be safe. But that wasn't the case at all because my mother is gone, my best friend is gone just like that, out of my life forever. She will never meet her grandkids and they will never meet her. She won't see me get married. I'll never get to kiss or hug her ever again. I like to go alone because I can just talk to her for as long as I want. I got out of bed at like 11:30, ate a quick breakfast and took a quick shower. I got into my car, already knowing the directions to the graveyard.
***
I silently walked to her headstone, my heart becoming heavy. The graveyard was pretty empty. There were a few people scattered here and there. I found her gravestone and sat down next to it.

"Hi mom, I'm sorry I haven't visited in awhile. But mom I did it, I graduated college. I remember how you always told me I could achieve anything I put my mind to, I never believed you," I paused wiping away a few tears.

"But you were right about almost everything, I wish I cherished our time together more, I never knew you'd be gone so fast, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I should've never went to the police, there are so many things I should've done differently, but I can't go back in time can I?"

"I could've saved you, and maybe you'd be here with me right now."

"I might get married soon, I'm sorry you won't be able to see your little girl walk down the aisle, but I know you'll be there in spirit."

"Everything is going pretty okay for right now, mom he has a mental disorder, but I still hate him, you should've got rid of me, I'm just a reminder of the pain he caused you, but you knew something was wrong with him..." I say looking up.

"But now you can't get hurt anymore, no more pain. Sometimes I wish I could join you, but I know you want me to live out my life and make the best of it, so that's what I'm going to do, for you."

"I'm never going to forgive myself for what I did to you, I killed you, I should've just listened, I'm so sorry. I wish I could change how everything played out, but you and I both know I can't."

I paused as a few sobs escaped my lips, "mom I'm trying so hard, but it's so difficult, a hug from you would make everything okay, I never got to say goodbye. I'll never get the closure I need."

"The pain and the grief is always there, but everyday I become more and more numb, I can't even feel it anymore, I guess I'm just used to it," I finish covering my mouth to suppress a sob.

"Dad and I are doing pretty well, but I can tell he misses you just as much, we don't talk about it, though. I think it'll just make us too upset, he blames himself for your death, he wanted to protect us both, but that didn't happen."

"Everyone probably thinks I'm crazy because I come talk to a stone for hours, I really hope you're listening, and you know how much we miss you, but in a way it's a good thing, you won't suffer, is it selfish that I still want you here, I don't think it is because any child would want their mom to be with them forever, you were taken away too soon. You were too good for this earth anyway," I ramble.

"I was hopeful you were coming home to me, they found Susan parents, and I thought you were going to be there too, but you weren't and little did I know I would never see your beautiful brown eyes again. Pathetic ain't it."

"You never knew where my blue eyes came from, maybe it was from your uncle that you always said had beautiful blue eyes, and that you wanted a child with blue eyes and God gave you one, but then he took you from me. Everyone always says he has a plan for us, and I think that's bullshit because sometimes his plan for you is complete shit. And apparently you can't change what you're destined for."

"Now I'm just rambling about everything and anything, but when I'm with you time just feels like it slows down, and I'm calm for once. No one can hurt me when I'm with you, atleast that's what I think."

"Does dad visit you as much as me, you always kept our family together and fuck do I miss your cooking, well to be honest I miss everything about you, but damn you made good ass chicken cutlets, and I still don't know what you put in those damn chocolate chip cookies, but they were so fucking good. But let's not forget about those God forsaken brownies, you also made."

"Mom I have a brother his name is Tom, he's a great person and I love him, but I wish we weren't connected, my father is the biggest burden in my life. Mom he did stuff to me, too, so I know how it felt. Screaming and crying the whole time, begging him to stop, the pain, I get it, mom. The feeling of being completely and utterly helpless, feeling worthless and used, I know it, mom. I know you tried to protect me with everything in you and I respect that so much," I say recollecting what happened to me making me cry even harder.

"Mom you were always so strong, you never broke in front of me and you knew how deranged he was and you tried to protect me from that, and I'll never be able to thank you enough."

"Mom, I think I'm going to kill him, if he gets me again, I'm definitely going to try and kill him."

I checked the time of my phone it was almost 2, I also had 3 missed calls from Niall.

"Fuck," I silently cursed under my breath. I quickly texted him back letting him know I was alright.

"Mom, Niall really loves me and he was talking about proposing, I'll keep you updated. But for now I think I should go, don't miss me too much I'll be back before you know it," I say standing up and brushing my pants off.

"Bye mom," I say kissing her headstone. I walk to my car sniffling as I enter the driver's seat.

"I'm so sorry," I mumble to myself, putting the keys in the ignition.
***
This chapter was boring af, but it made me really sad, but there's like 3 more weeks of summer and I'm not ready for school at all. Updated 8.15.17