Even a few days after the 15th, I continues to mope around. I felt sorry for myself, yet allowed anybody to feel sorry for me. During fresh air I just stood around the group that Anna was in and just blanked out, always remembering what had happened just feet away. I felt horrible and I continued to cry myself to sleep.
A few weeks later was Easter. March thirty- first, if I am not mistaken and just the day before,. Shane Dawson had released his song "Fuck Up". He had announced it a few weeks before, but I hadnt gotten on YouTube until Easter night. By that time, all the family was leaving and I was in my room with the door closed. I was just going through YouTube until I came across Shane's channel. I was on the wii, so I had to go through multiple channels until I had found his. I saw the thumbnail, "F U" with Shane's face between the two letters. I never really paid attention what his song was about so I thought It mightve been a funny type song. And thought that until it reached the chorus. or until "Im not tryna be a saint, I donjt wanna be president someday, Im just tryna make my way."
At that point, a smile faded from my face realizing what the song was about. "Yea, Im sorry Im a fuck up!" I had to burst into tears. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry. That was what had been running through my head for the past few months and had fallen into play recently. Then there was me being a fuck up. This entire thing was my fault. I shouldve just left Lilly alone. I shouldve let Anna hang out with Lilly and Danielle and I shouldve left. They clouldve been best friends and I couldve been a nobody just like I was now. Others couldve been happier then they were now and Id be in the same spot. Even if Anna had tried to include me in stuff, I couldve left them to be the three best friends.
Its not like anybody cared for me anyway.
I grabbed a pen and a notepad. I repeatedly wrote "Oops, my bad. I never said Id ever get it right." I looked through an old diary while in the mood to write and saw "12/12 Fuck the bitches who dont like you. Youre worth it." It wasnt only Lilly. It had happened before Anna even went to St. Joseph's. No, but I had gone to Lilly to get away from the people who had made me feel how Lilly made me feel just two weeks ago. Except, this time I didnt feel worth it. Others were worth it, but I wasnt.
That night, All I could think about was the song. "Oops my bad, I never said Id ever get it right" No, I never said anything like that, so why do I feel forced to get everything right.
I ended up crying myself to sleep after had stopping for two days. I was proud of my two days "clean". I wasnt cutting, but to me, crying felt just as I had taken a blade and pulled it across my wrist and I just watched the blood fall from my wrist, but I was unable to stop it. At times I wish I really did cut, but I was always knew I was too chicken to actually do it. So all I did was cry myself to sleep, hoping the pain would go away.
(Hey guys!!! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, it was too difficult for this small amount, but I was able to finish it!
Vote for it if you did enjoy reading it and I will probably write one more chapter! Bai, I love you guys! Mwuah! Xx ~ Tara)
