A Loser With A Cellphone (Alex Standall)

79

Alex: Lyric?
Alex: I'm sorry for earlier. but I don't really think you should know yet.
Alex: you're probably asleep now but yeah
Alex: sweet dreams :)
Alex: I'm really grateful for you & I do trust you. I'm sorry again xx
Alex set his phone down, watching as the room faded to black when the screen turned off. He'd been finding it hard to sleep lately, the previous events of the week rolling over and over in his head. He was always thinking, thinking, thinking, and he couldn't stand it anymore.
The one good part of his life - the only good part of his life since Hannah had died - was Faith. He mouthed her name, knowing that she didn't like it, but finding it beautiful. She was beautiful, as much as she would fight him on it, and in more ways than one.
Since he had met her, his feelings for her had grown - meeting her in person had confirmed everything that he'd wondered about before. She was incredible, smart and witty and kind and funny and everything that he ever could've dreamed of. She couldn't see herself as any of those things because of her anxiety. She defined herself entirely based on one little flaw in her character, but Alex found it charming. There were no perfect people, and that made her all the more alluring to him.
Now, every time that he saw her for half a second in the hallways as they passed each other on the way to their classes, his stomach would burst into butterflies. The thing was, he had one thing, and one thing only, that he was afraid of more than falling in love again, and that thing was himself.
When he was with her, he could forget how he felt, but every time she left him and he was alone again, he was reminded once again of what he had done. Of who he really was. He felt like a better version of himself when he was around Faith, but she would have to go. She always did, and the time spent alone in his bedroom at night was getting harder and harder to deal with. He couldn't reasonably ask her to stay up with him every night, which left him with no solution to his problem...No solution except for one.
The thought of it was terrifying but also oddly exhilarating. In his weakened state of mind, he had been about to tell her about what he was thinking about. What he was beginning to plan for. But it was too early to let her know - She might try to stop him, or sabotage his plans. She might tell someone - Although, if she reached out to the counselor, it's not as if he would do anything.
No, right now, it was safer for him to keep his thoughts to himself. He always had, had been more of a secretive person than a loudmouth. Being around Faith made him want to open up, but he had to resist it.
Some things were better left unknown.