Anywhere, Any Time, at Any Cost

Chapter 6: It's gonna be OK...because they're here

"It's gonna be OK,I promise." She writes,but I know it won't be. I feel too much sadness in my heart,too much pain.

I don't even know how to keep going anymore. I feel hopelessness and despair. And to be honest I just want it all to end. When I tell Evie that she immediately responds with:''WHAT? Kacey, don't say these things, please.''

''But it's true. I know I've got a few awesome people that care about me, like you, Elliott and dad, and you guys are the only thing keeping me here.''

''NO, don't say that. You're alright, it's gonna be OK, you'll see.''

''No, it won't. I'm an outcast, a weirdo, a freak.''

''NO, YOU ARE NOT. People just say these things because they don't understand you or know you or maybe they're even jealous. Who knows?''

''Ha, they're not jealous of me. Who would wanna be jealous of a thing like me?''

''OMG, don't say that seriously. Kacey you need to respect and LOVE yourself more.''

I know she's right. I don't love myself and I should. But I can't. Not the way I am. And she doesn't know who I really am. I mean, she knows I'm gay and all, but she's never seen me in person. I think this actually calms me down. Confiding in a person that has never seen you is waaay easier than standing right in front of someone and telling them your problems. I do wanna spare Elli my pain and misery and that's why I don't tell him about everything, but confiding in Evie is a whole different story. It relaxes me, and I know she can't really judge me.

However, that doesn't mean I don't want to meet her. I do. I just don't know whether to be excited or scared to meet her.

She says a few more 'inspiring' things, then has to go. But I don't feel much better than before. I know I have to fix it on my own. No one can do it for me, they can just help me.

In the right moment Elliott calls. I pick up and he says loudly:''Heey K, are you better?''

''Yeah, I am.'' I lie.

''Great. You wanna go out tonight? There's a party at Michael's.''

I know he wants to go out with me more, because he's been asking me that a lot lately. But I don't feel like it. I just wanna stay at home and feel sorry for myself. I know it sound pathetic, but I don't want to see the looks on people's faces any more than I already have to in school. But most of all I don't want to run into Ashley, especially if Elli is with me. And she is at EVERY party. EVERY. And she dominates them.

''Oh, I don't really feel like it, but you can go if you want to.''

I hear him sight and I know it's probably in disappointment. So I say:''I'm sorry.''

''No, no, don't be K, it's OK. It'll probably suck anyway. If you're not going, I'm not going either. But can I come over? I think I have some news about that Evie you're talking to.''

I am instantly filled with positive expectation and joy. But I hear the voice of his tone change when he says that last sentence. It's funny. He's supposed to be happy for me, but it almost feels like he is ... angry. I let it go and focus on the good news.

''Yeah, sure, come here, you know you're always welcome.''

''K, be there in 20.''

I hope he's found her. I hope I'll finally meet her. My Evie.