Anywhere, Any Time, at Any Cost

Chapter 25: Jessica or Elliott?

When we get to the hospital, I can't wait to see her. She's lying in a bed, sleeping. Her parents are sitting next to her bed. The doctors say she has the flu but they're treating her and she's gonna be alright. They say they can't let me see her, because I'm not a family member. But I beg them and dad persuades them. He explains the situation and they let me into her room.

When I get in, her parents look at me and I explain to them who I am. Her mother holds my hand and says:''Thank you. Thank you for getting my baby girl back.''

I nod and smile and say:''She was so brave. She's stronger than you think.''

They both smile and cry a little and then her dad says:''We know. Our baby girl is so strong. And you are too. If it hadn't been for you... god knows what would've happened to out little girl.''

I nod and smile, but soon tears make their way down my cheeks.

''Has she woken up yet?'' I ask and they say no.

I sit in a chair by the window and finally after 10 minutes she wakes up. When she sees her mum and dad she bursts into tears. I don't wanna interrupt the family reunion, so I stand by the window and wait. They hug and cry, and after she calms down a bit, she notices me. 

She looks at me and says:''Kacey.''

I nod and start to cry. She motions for me to step closer, so I go all the way to the bed and hug her. She hugs me back and we both cry. 

''Thank you.'' She says. ''You saved me.''

I laugh and say:''Actually I think you saved me.''

We both laugh and cry at the same time. 

I spend the day at the hospital, by her side. Dad and Elliott go home, but dad picks me up in the evening.

I encourage Jessica all the time and tell her it's gonna be OK. Her little brother comes later too and he's as happy as we all are. He tells her he'll never let her go again, like a true brother.

We're alone in the room and I say:''Jessica, I know you've been through a lot, but... can we talk about us?''

She smiles and says:''You got me through that a lot, so yes, we can.''

I smile and look at her. ''That kiss. I know you said you're not gay, but I just need you to know... that I love you. I really do and I can't change my feelings.''

She smiles and says:''I know. In a way, I think I love you too. And I would love to be with you. Circumstances brought us together and made us love each other. But that kind of love... I don't know, it doesn't seem right. It's hard to explain. It's like it was forced by that guy.''

''I know, but... I don't care. I still love you.''

''I love you too. But there's someone else you love too.''

''Jessica, let's not involve Elliott into this. I don't love him like that.''

''Kacey, I know. But that's what you say. That's what you think. What about what you feel? You're just gonna ignore that?''

''No, I won't. Because what I feel is love for you...''

''And for Elliott. A stronger love, a stronger bond than ours.''

''Jessica if you don't wanna be with me, just tell me. It's easier...''

''I do. I love you. But we can't be together because I know that you love Elliott more. In a purer way than you love me.''

''How can you say that? I love you in the purest way.''

Jessica shakes her head and says:''Kacey, you're not getting the point here. Yes, you love me and you love Elliott. You can only choose one. You say you've chosen me. But has your heart really chosen me?''

I can't believe it. She doesn't wanna be with me, because she thinks I love Elliott more.

I shake my head, look away and say:''Yes, my heart chooses you.'' In that moment I feel like I'm lying and deep down I know why, but I don't want to admit it.

''You'll never truly be happy, or full or completed if you lie to yourself and your heart.'' She says and I'm disappointed. I get up and storm out of the room. I know I shouldn't do that and that it's not fair to her. My heart is breaking when I hear her calling my name behind me, but I can't do this. I can't listen to her tell me I should be with Elliott. 

I call dad and he picks me up. He tells me some good news in this roller-coaster of emotions that I'm going through. He tells me they've caught the guy who kidnapped us and they'll need us to go down to the station to identify him tomorrow. At least something to cheer me up.

At home, the only thing I wanna do is call Elliott. Despite everything I've been through, despite my fight with Jessica regarding Elliott, I still wanna see him. I don't really understand my reasons, to be honest, but I need to see him.

When he comes over, I hug him and I can tell he's surprised.

''What happened?'' He asks. ''I thought you were gonna get together with Jessica.''

I shake my head and tell him the truth:''She doesn't wanna be with me, because... because she thinks I love you more. Deeper.''

He's shocked and says:''Do you?''

''I mean, of course I love you, but not the way... not the right way.''

''And what is the right way?'' He asks.

''I don't know.'' I say and he responds:''Then how do you know you don't love me the right way?''

I look at him and can't believe it. Of course he's gonna be on Jessica's side too. I mean, he loves me and he wants to be with me.

''I just know, Elliott. I've told you this before. I don't love you the way I love her.''

He nods, and says:''I know. But if even she says you love me...''

''Just stop it. I can't do this right now.''

Elliott looks at me with anger in his eyes:''And you think I can? You know Kacey, I've been with you through everything. I've helped you many times, I've been your rock. I'm sorry if I fell in love along the way. I never asked anything in return, though. Never. I didn't even ask for love, but hey, a little bit of it would be nice.''

''Elliott, you know I love you. I gave you love back.''

''Yeah, just not the right kind of love.'' He says and gets up.

''I can't be your best friend for ever Kacey. I can't watch you have girlfriends and be with them. It'll break my heart. You know I was with other girls to shut up the love for you? It worked for some time, but then it grew louder and bigger and wider. All of a sudden there was nothing I could do. But I was patient and I waited without telling you anything, because I didn't wanna lose you or break your heart. And then you started showing signs of love too. I finally though the time has come. That you were gonna have some kind of realisation you love me. But clearly I was mistaken. Because instead you just kept lying to yourself, or maybe not. Maybe you really don't love. Either way, I can't live like this. I can't look at you everyday, knowing you're never gonna be mine. I'm sorry.''

Then he walks out of my room, out of my house and despite my calls, he doesn't turn back, but continues his way and soon I don't see him anymore.

The first thing that comes to my mind is: Am I never gonna see him again? Have I lost him forever? But I can't live without him.