Anywhere, Any Time, at Any Cost

Chapter 9: I hate him

After I'm done, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't even recognise myself. I see a poor, wounded, hurt girl, with an ugly and exhausted face, with tired, hollow, empty eyes and no energy.

I wipe the blood and cover my wrist with paper. I feel dizzy, because I've lost a lot of blood. I never cut this deep, but I needed to do it. It was the only way to stop the pain. But even though I did that, I now feel even worse. I feel empty and tired.

I don't mind the physical pain, that kicks in when I exit the bathroom. I shrug it off and keep the paper pressured against my wrist. I can see the blood coming through it, so I put more paper on.

My school day is over, so I stumble to my locker and grab the things that I need. I walk outside and start walking home.

I don't want to go with Elli, because I don't wanna see him right now. The bus is also not an option, because I don't want to see people's judging faces any more than I have to. So my only chance is walking home, even though I live very far away, 15 minutes by car, which meas a lot more if you are on foot.

But I would rather walk that distance, than face Elli or anybody else for that matter.

I stumble my way to the first intersection and barely cross the road in time. A car honks at me, but I can barely hear it. Besides I don't care. He can kill me if he wants to.

I am barely standing on my feet, I have to hold onto something, so I grab a nearby wall. My vision is becoming blurry, my head hurts, but I force myself to go on.

I don't exactly know where I am or how much I've managed to walk, when I hear a car stop right beside me and someone jumps out. I turn around to see Elli and his lying little face.

I hate him. I hate him so much, it's unbearable.

I hide my wrist by pushing it as close to me as possible. It hurts even more, but I don't care.

Elli stands next to me and says:''Here you are. I've been looking for you. Where did you go?''

I look at him, but I can't make out his features. I know it's him though, even if I can't hear or see him properly. I know him too well, and now, I hate myself for it.

''How could you do it?'' I whisper and he says:''Do what? Are you OK? You look kinda pale.''

I gather the last bits of strength that I have and say:''Ashley's told me everything. You never cared about me. You never even wanted to talk to me. It was all a stupid bet.''

His face freezes and I can see he's shocked. Probably because I've found out. Because I was never meant to know. My thoughts are confirmed when he says:''What? Ashley told you that?''

''Yes. Do you deny it?'' I ask with tears in my eyes and when he doesn't say yes, they start to roll down my cheeks.

''She was never supposed to tell you, you were never supposed to know. I'm so so sorry.'' He says, his voice cracking. 

My heart breaks into a million pieces. ''So you're still in love with her? You're still her friend and I was just a game.''

''No, no it's not like that. Please, K, let me explain...'' He begs me, almost grabbing a hold of my hand, but I move away soon enough. 

''Don't call me that. Go, just go!''

I try to push him away, but I am too weak. Physical and emotional pain together are too much and I know I'm going to faint soon. I don't want him to be near me when I do, I don't want him to act like a hero. But it seems inevitable, because I'm weaker than I think. My body is shutting down and I can feel it.

He says:''Kacey, please, you don't understand, I ... I love you.'' He utters.

I look him in the eyes and see that he means it. He loves me.

I am even more confused, and quite frankly I can't think. The pain is just too much. My knees start to give in and I manage to say:''Go away.''

He grabs my arm, the wounded one and I squeak because of the pain.

He looks down at my wrist and fear consumes his face. He looks into my eyes and says:''What have you done?''

I fall down, but he catches me. I don't want it to be like this and in my head I'm screaming for him to leave. But I can't say anything, as I am too weak.

The last thing I see and hear is him saying:''Kacey.''

Then I black out.