Anywhere, Any Time, at Any Cost

Chapter 10: I'm not dead, just lifeless

I wake up in a white room and I expect to see mum. I'm pretty sure I'm dead.

But I'm mistaken, because I see dad, sleeping in the chair next to my bed. I'm in a hospital.

My wrist is dressed in bandages and it stings. I feel exhausted, like all of my life energy has been sucked out of me.

Dad wakes up and says:''Hey, you're awake. How are you feeling?''

I say:''It hurts.''

''I know. The doctor said it's going to for some time. You cut your artery. You were lucky you didn't bleed out you know.'' He says worryingly.

I nod, thinking that maybe that's what I actually wanted. I didn't do it on purpose, but maybe, subconsciously, I wanted it.

Dad, as if he could read my mind, says:''Kacey, we're gonna have to talk about it you know. If you did it on purpose...''

I cut him by saying:''I didn't, dad, I swear. I was just...''

''Hurting yourself like many times before?'' 

He must've seen all the other scars, I mean, I am in a hospital after all.

I can't stand his disappointed look, so I look at the floor. I am ashamed and embarrassed.

''Dad, I'm sorry. It's just something I do. It helps me.''

''No, it hurts you Kacey.'' He says with an angry voice.

''I know.'' is all I can say.

''You need to stop doing it. And you need to tell me why you were doing it. I know I haven't been the best father and that mum's death was a lot to handle, but...''

''Dad, stop.'' I stop him, because I am not ready for this yet. I am too tired, and too hurt.

He nods and says:''Elliott brought you here and called me. You have no idea how scared I was. How terrified of losing you I was. You're all I have. I don't know what I would've done without you. And just to think that my little girl did something like this to herself ... baby, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were hurting like this, but I should've known. It's my fault, I'm sorry.''

I feel even more ashamed. Dad feels like it's his fault,but it's not. If anything, he made me feel better, so I say:''Dad, stop, it's not your fault, so please don't blame yourself. You're the best dad anybody could ever ask for. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet. It's still too painful.''

He nods in understanding. I know dad loves me and just wants me to be happy. But now the number of people who feel this way is lower. I'm sure Elliott is not one of them anymore. Elliott.

I don't care what he said, or what he thinks or feels, I hate him, and I always will. I don't want to see him or talk to or about him, because I am too hurt.

But unfortunately dad brings him up again:''You know he told me you've been doing it for some time and he knew about it. You told him you stopped, but obviously you lied. I was so angry that he didn't tell me. He should have, but he thought you really weren't doing it anymore.''

''And I wasn't for some time. But I started doing it again. It all became too much.'' I say, looking at the bed sheets as though I am trying to move them with my look.

''What became too much? Tell me.'' Dad asks almost desperately, but I can't do it. I can't tell him.

I shake my head and say:''I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not ready yet.''

Dad nods and says:''Elliott went to get some coffee, but he'll be right back. You were out for a day. The waiting really exhausted us.''

He wants to say something else, but I don' let him. ''I don't want to see him.''

''What?'' He asks, obviously not understanding.

''Don't let Elliott in, I don't want to see him. Please.'' I plead him.

''Baby, but he's your best friend. I don't understand.'' He looks at me with a puzzled look.

''Dad, please, just trust me. I don't want to see him.'' I continue begging and give him a pleading look as a cherry on top.

Dad comes closer to my face and puts his hand on mine. ''Kacey, is he why you did this? Did he hurt you? Cause if he did, I'm gonna make sure he never...''

''No, dad, no, he didn't... Well he did hurt me, but not in the way you're probably thinking.''

Dad looks at me and says:''So he didn't... force you into anything... put his hands on you... or... rape you?''

I am shocked dad can even think of something like that and the thought of Elliott being able to do such a thing is disgusting.

''No dad, Jesus. He didn't hurt me physically. God, dad, how can you even think about something like that. He's been my best friend for five years. Or at least he was.''

''Sorry, I just thought... I needed to ask you, you know. It's a must because of my profession plus you're my little girl. If anyone ever hurts you like that, he'll pay. He'll never see daylight again. But I'll never let anyone hurt you like that in the first place.''

My dad is, very (in)conveniently, a cop. Yeah, you read that right. He is an officer of the law, order and justice. Which is why it's even harder for him to look at me hurt like this.

''Yeah, I know.'' I say and smile a little bit.

''So, you're saying he hurt you, but not physically? Then what did he do to you?'' It doesn't surprise me that dad is curious.

''I don't wanna talk about it. It's complicated. I just don't wanna see him, so please don't let him in.'' I beg for the third time. 

I guess third time really is a charm, because dad nods in understanding and at that time I see Elliott through the glass window. He walks to my room, but dad goes out before it's too late. I can hear them talking, but I can't make out the words.

They are in front of the window, and when dad finishes talking, Elliott's eyes meet mine. They are full of regret, sadness and pain.

He mouths:''I'm sorry.'' And then leaves.

My heart is breaking as if I was sorry, but I don't want to be. I hate him for what he did to me, but can feel a little bit of regret for not wanting to see him. It's like my heart doesn't want him, but needs him. I don't understand the mixed and confusing feeling, so I shrug it off and try to forget about him.

But it's almost impossible, because he keeps calling me and texting me all through the week that I am home.

When I get back to school, he comes to me and wants to talk to me.

''I don't want to talk to you Elliott, so stop.'' I say angrily and walk faster.

''Please, Kacey, just give me a chance to explain. It's not how you think.'' His voice is desperate, but I'm not ready to indulge him.

''Of course it is. You were my friend because of a bet. You should be happy we're not friends anymore. Go back to Ashley.'' I raise my voice.

He wants to say something, but I run away. I keep avoiding him from then on, but he still finds his way to me. He keeps getting more and more annoying and I really can't stand him anymore.

But that little sparkle in me doesn't let me disregard him completely. I still feel something for him, but I try to hide it and forget about it. I try to forget about him, but it's hard.

I just can't get rid of him. But I don't want him around me. I'm hurt and I'm afraid he'll make me even more hurt. I've started going to a psychologist and I can't really cut myself anymore. So my only escape has been taken away from me and I don't know what to do. I feel lifeless, with no energy left inside me.

Dad is great, he helps me, talks to me, but he's nothing like Elliott or mum were. The only person I've got left is Evie. She is my only solid rock and I'm scared I'll lose her too. She promises me she'll always be there for me, but she can't meet me yet. I don't know why or what to think of it, but I need her too much to question her loyalty and love.

Now, that I've lost Elliott and she's all I have, I feel more alone than ever. So alone, it hurts. Again.