Anywhere, Any Time, at Any Cost

Chapter 12: The dream

The afternoon goes by quickly, because I spend it all talking to Evie.

I tell her everything and she, as always, makes me feel better. I tell her again that I wanna see her, but she just says that we'll meet soon. Like always.

I think about Elliott when I'm falling asleep and that results in me dreaming about him.

In my dream I am two persons. Two of me, actually. One is nice, kind and caring, while the other is reasonable, unforgiving, but she is like that to protect herself from the pain.

I(we) are standing on one side of a big lake, while on the other side I can see Elliott.

He is reaching out with his hands and screaming, like he wants to tell me something. But I don't understand his words, they get lost in the air above the water before they reach me.

The kind me wants to go to him, to help him, to be with him, but the other me stops her. She grabs my hand and says:"You'll only get hurt. Is it worth it?"

The kind me doesn't know what to answer. She wants to believe he's worth it, but she's not sure.

Elliott is screaming and it looks like he is in pain.

The kind me knows what the right thing is, what she needs to do. But she's afraid not only of getting hurt, but also of the other me. She's scared the reasonable me will do something to her or won't forgive her.

But she knows what's right and what she needs to do.

So I pull myself out of my own grab and run across the lake even though I know I'll drown. But I don't. I run across the water like I'm Jesus and when I look behind I see the other me following me, only she can't walk on the water. She is drowning and I keep running towards Elliott.

I save Elliott and not myself. I choose him over me. 

But at the same time I save myself from the other me.

When I finally reach him, he looks deep into my eyes. He's about to kiss me, but in that moment I wake up all sweaty.

I don't really understand the dreams, but for some reason I feel like there's more to them than meets the eye. So I write them down, but then I forget about them and sleep on.

The next day I am home alone. My day goes by quickly. Well not entirely.

It's about 2pm when I hear the door bell. An unpleasant surprise is standing in front the door.

Elliott turns around and looks at me.

"What are you doing here again? I thought you gave up, since I didn't hear from you since yesterday. And yeah, that is a very long period of time for you, given how often you've been calling me."

His eyes reflect sadness, but at the same time courage and strength. It's one of those things that got me hooked to him in the beginning. But, anyway, that's not important anymore.

I try not to look at his eyes too much, because if I do, I'm afraid I'll lose my common sense.

He looks tired, like he hasn't slept in days. He gives me a small smile, before saying:''I'm just... I can't...''

He's clearly stumbling on something he wants to say, so I let him in. We go to the kitchen and I offer him something to drink, but he refuses.

''Kacey, I'm sorry. I know I've probably said it a million times by now, but I need you to know I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to protect you, but I failed. I sucked at keeping you safe. I'm sorry.''

I sigh and say:''I know.'' 

I know he's telling the truth. I see it in his eyes. No matter how hard I try to deny it, the bond between us is still strong. I still love him, but I don't want him to think I'll just forgive him.

He looks up at me and his eyes sparkle. ''You know?'' He asks.

I nod and say:''I see it in your eyes. You're sorry and you love me. I know.''

He nods and steps closer to me. He holds my hand and says:''I'm not asking you to forgive me, well at least not yet, but, yeah, I just need you to know I'm sorry. And I need you to know I'm in love with you. I love you, K. I've loved you since we met. It wasn't just the bet. I saw something in you the first time I talked to you. Something pulled me to you, and it never let me go. And I'm glad. Because you're the most amazing person I know, the most kind and strong. You're so strong and brave, you probably don't even know it. And you're beautiful...so beautiful.''

I stare at him in disbelief and he puts his hand on my cheek and leans closer towards me. Deep down I know what's about to happen, and I know it can't happen. But I don't do anything. I just stand there and let him kiss me.