I am YOURS & You are MINE.

Twenty Two

I opened the TV and plainly watched what was on it. Hindi ko nga maintindihan yung pinapanood ko sa sobrang wala ako sa mood. Hindi ko kasi maisip where it all went wrong. I gave him all of my attention tapos he decides its better to be with his phone or whomever he's texting.

Tinabihan ako ni Pia sa couch and kahit hindi ako naka tingin sa kanya, I can feel her staring at me, watching what I am about to do next. I looked at her with my sad, tired eyes. She also looked at me, as if she knows how down I felt. Kaya niyakap niya ako. Tahimik niya lang akong niyayakap but I can't help but burst into tears.

I have so many doubts already. Doubts are starting to fill my head with negative thoughts and assumptions. Worse case scenario: Ethan's cheating on me. Pero I don't want to think that way. He showed me how important I am to him. But it makes me wonder, was it sincere or was it all just for show?

Tinigil na ni Pia ang pag comfort sa akin at binuksan na niya yung paper bag na dala ko, containing a lot of bottles of alcohol. Kailangan ko malasing ngayon. Kahit saglit lang, makalimutan ko yung mga doubts ko kay Ethan. "Okay, since we have a our drinks," sabi ni Pia at inabot na sa akin yung naka bukas na bote ng alak. "I guess madadalian ka na mag open up sa akin." she added.

"Kasi Pia bakit ganon? I mean I don't know where it all went wrong, to be honest. I gave him my attention and love and care and probably every emotional support." I said as I took a sip of my beer. "But I feel like he's cheating on me." sabi ko at nanlaki ang mata ni Pia. Uminom siya ng mabilis at sabi, "Anong cheat?! Bakit mo naman naisip yan? Eh para namang ang genuine na tao ni Ethan parang hindi niya kaya gawin yun sa'yo!" halatang halata yung pagiging shocked ni Pia.

"Ang cold na niya eh. Cold. Very cold. Feel ko nga minsan napipilitan na lang yun makipag kita sa akin. We would go out and he'd just be silent. Kung hindi tahimik, iilang words lang sasabihin edi ang boring nun. Tapos mamaya makikita mo hawak hawak na niya yung phone niya tapos hindi na ako kakausapin. Parang ako pa yung nage-effort na makausap siya." I said and I burst into tears again. Uminom nalang ako ulit ng sobrang dami at nagbukas ng isa pang bote.

"Mau, alam mo naman na wala akong experience sa relationships 'diba?" Pia said and I nodded. "Ang masasabi ko lang is ano, baka pwede niyo naman pagusapan 'yan. Pero yung paguusap na maayos. Yung walang sigawan, ganun. Kasi hindi din naman kayo magkaka intindihan kung puro lang kayo pataasan ng boses." She added. I took another big sip on my beer and then there was silence.

"But what if he's really cheating on me? Sa totoo lang gusto ko nga sana mabasa yung texts niya at malaman kung sino tinetext niya. But I don't want to sound like a psychopath girlfriend. I respect his privacy but I'm so curious. Sobrang importante naman pala yung tine-text niya na kahit mga simpleng bagay, lumalaki." sabi ko at naluha ako.

"I suggest you guys give it another try. Sayang naman no! Hindi pa man din kayo nakaka abot ng isang taon. 'Di ba parang 3 months pa lang kayo? Oh, try niyo muna ayusin." sabi ni Pia at nilagay niya yung beer niya sa table at pinunasan yung luha ko. Ang sakit naman pala. Para sa iba parang ang simple lang ng pinagdadaanan pero kung sila man nasa posisyon ko, siguro malulungkot din sila.

After quite some time, there was silence but a comforting one. Sobrang lucky ko na may best friend ako na katulad ni Pia. Sana yung magiging significant other niya in the future, hindi siya lolokohin kasi napaka bait nitong tao. Parang lahat ng qualities ng isang perfect best friend, nasa kanya na. And I'm forever thankful for having her even in the lowest points of my life. Just like this one.

But then, a thought suddenly occurred to me. "Pia." I said and wiped my tears away. I took a sip of my beer and spoke up, "What if.." kinakabahan ako sabihin pero I needed her opinion. She looked at me with worried eyes and said, "What if ano?" And I said, "Would all this happen if I didn't date Ethan.." and nagulat naman si Pia sa sinabi ko. "Ha? Bu-" I cut off what she was saying and I said, "and dated Josef instead?" And mas lalong nagulat si Pia na napainom nanaman siya ng beer.

"Hay nako, Mau! Kung ano ano na sinasabi mo! Lasing ka na yata! Tara matulog na tayo." sabi ni Pia at tina-try niyang hilahin ako pero pumapalag ako. Ang sakit na ng ulo ko. I feel very much intoxicated, judging by the number of bottles I've finished. I probably would find walking extra difficult.

I pulled her to sit down next to me. Ayaw ko pa tumayo pero nahihilo na ako at gusto ko na humiga. But I wanted to clear up the things in my head. "Pia, please listen to me..." I begged. She sighed and sat down next to me. "Okay fine, but I swear lasing ka na. Tignan mo nga oh, namumula ka na." sabi niya. "You know, sobrang coincidental naman yata na lagi akong nahahanap ni Josef whenever I'm down. He seems to always pop out anywhere like he's out to save the day. Or save me." Sabi ko at tahimik lang si Pia.

Silence. It was present again. I'm struggling to find a response from Pia pero wala eh. She just looked at me and offered to help me go to bed. "Tara na, you've had enough beer for tonight." She said and helped me get up from the couch.

Isa lang room dito sa condo ni Pia kasi siya lang nakatira dito so tabi talaga kami matutulog ngayon. What an intoxicated sleepover. Buti pa siya hindi gaanong lasing. Palibhasa may resistance ata to sa alak. Tinulungan ako ni Pia mag palit ng damit tapos parehas nalang kami humiga sa kama sa sobrang pagod. Siguro nastress din 'to sa mga pinagsasabi ko kanina sa kanya. She fell asleep shortly after saying goodnight and for some reason, gising pa ako.

My head was aching so bad. I can feel a terrible hangover coming tomorrow. But saying those words about Josef in front of Pia, made me miss him. He looked so down lately. Every time na magsasama kami, he doesn't smile anymore but he's there. Napapa isip din ako paano kung si Josef na lang yung boyfriend ko ngayon? Siguro nagustuhan ko nga talaga siya dati for me.

Will I be thinking about him this way again when I'm sober?