He, Zhe, They: Agender Diary

Things are falling apart

October 4 2017 (i'm putting dates because my computer doesn't like to publish these)

I think I might break up with Micah. It's nothing big,

like,

we didn't fight or anything, I just feel like he's not happy anymore with me. We haven't actually sat down and had a real conversation since the second week of school. I'm trying not to be that person who's like "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" but that's honestly how I feel.

Jessica (@Cabbagecat11 btw she's great, check her out.) has been telling me he's being a bad boyfriend and I'm trying not to agree with her, but it's really fucking hard. He doesn't say he loves me anymore, he doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first, maybe he just wants space or something, but if it's getting to a point where I'm basically dragging him along I'm gonna break it off. I love him, but I don't see a point in forcing him to love me.

I got really depressed last Friday, I started cutting, and I regret it. They're on my legs and I used a razor (it doesn't go deeper than the skin and they're almost healed). I haven't told anyone (except for basically the whole fucking internet) about it because I don't want the pity. I don't want my friends to worry because I can't deal with that. I'm fucking about to cry as I write this.

I'm mostly disappointed because I was 4 years clean. I could've made it out of high school before I did it again, but I didn't. I did this shit to myself. Now I'm crying as I think about it.

fucking fantastic. I was trying not to cry but it's too fucking late. I want someone to talk to, but I hate people seeing me like this because I want to stay strong. Can't talk to my goddamn boyfriend cause I can never find that little shit (I don't actually think he's a little shit, I'm just upset). I could talk to Camden. Maybe I will.

I forced myself to stop crying because I don't want anyone hearing.

knowing me, I'll probably forget about this the next day.

I always do.

And another reason to feel like a bad person, I'm starting to crush on someone else. It's this girl named Heaven; I had a crush on her last year and I still do. My relationship just kinda distracted me from it. We're very similar: we're both shy, we like the same music, we both like art, same insecurities,etc. Whenever she cries, I just want to be the one to hold her because I'm in love with her. It's not good to like someone else while you with someone.

I'm not a cheater, that's why I haven't told her. I think she might already know because of R. Fucking R.

Am I a bad person? I don't know.

Anyways, I've gotta get going.

Stay strong for me,

-hay