He, Zhe, They: Agender Diary

High School and Mental Health

I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of suburbia
The Bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of

Soda Pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my
Sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones that I got away with

And there's nothing wrong with me
I'm the way I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
They don't believe in me
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Well hello there it's me Hayden. I know it's been a while but shit has happened and I haven't had the energy to post. If you get triggered by Suicide and self harm, don't read this and don't look at the second picture. Yes those are my cuts.

I did those just 2 days ago so obviously I'm not feeling well. I was depressed when I did them, and I suck at expressing negative emotions because I was always taught to never feel them or people would never want to be around me. No matter what negative emotion I feel, I can't do anything but cry and I hate it, but it's who I am. It was the stress and the pain inside that did it, and when I did it, I felt the pain but it didn't feel real.

Don't worry, this is not a Suicide note or anything, I just want somewhere to get this out. I told the twins (Naomi and Camden the awesome twins who I'm friends with) and...just look.

I'm glad I have a friend like her and Cam (who I didn't text because he was grounded but he has his phone back now) because they're always there for me, and for everyone. If there is a god, he must've sent them for all I know (or she cause god could be a woman but that's not what this is about)

That was a quick mental health update just to tell you what was going on. I'm not that well right now but I will be soon I promise.

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Get my television fix
Sitting on my crucifix
The living room in my private womb
While the Moms and brats are away

To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
And Mary Jane
To keep me insane
Doing someone else's cocaine

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

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In other less depressing news, holy shit I'm getting old. I just realized that because tomorrow my grade is going on a trip to the three high schools zoned for my middle school. I always said that I hated teenagers when I was 12, now I'm almost fourteen and about to go to high school.

Yay, more stress.

Also my coming out date is getting closer and closer. I'm nervous as fuck. I know my family is very open and giving and welcoming but there's always that little sliver of doubt in my mind and the fear that I won't be accepted.

Also I'm afraid of my brother, J🤦🏾‍♂ for some reason. My brother is trans as well (he came out in 2013/2014 when he was around 21 or 22). My mom accepted him with open and loving arms and so did the rest of us (hell, when I was 8 years old I would always correct people when they got his pronouns wrong. He still loves me for it), but I want to tell him first. Since he's been through it already I feel like he'll accept me, but I'm afraid of the age difference between our coming outs. He came out at 21 and I'm coming out at 13/14. I'm afraid he'll be angry or something.

Either he'll be angry, or he'll help me with everything.

Anyways, this turned into a rant about my transition. Back to high school.

I'm conflicted about which high school I'm going to. The twins are both going to one high school, but my mom hates that high school. One of them my boyfriend, Micah is going to, so if I like it then I might go there. I'll miss the twins but I have there numbers and know where they live so yah

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City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere

City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care
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Anyways, I don't know if regular updates will come again or not, but I'll try to make them.

I love you all. You're all worthy and amazing, even if you don't believe it.

Bye!
-Old Man Hayden