A Fiery Red Summer (Jenna Mcdougall and Hayley Williams)

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

Jenna:

I didn't sleep at all that night; every time I fell asleep I had a terrible nightmare. In one I was pushed out of a plane with a bomb strapped to me. In another I was being chased by a serial killer. After the fourth one I gave up on sleeping. I sat in my bed and read a book. My eyelids began to droop several times, but I managed to stay awake. This didn't help me the next day when I had to talk to Hayley.

She arrived bright and early, but at least she didn't seem angry. I got out of my bunk and sat with her at the front table.

"Are you still upset with me? You know I'm really sorry." I looked her in the eye trying to look sincere.

"Kind of, but I fucked up too." she said almost in a whisper.

"What?" I was puzzled.

"I was enraged and I kissed another girl, there was no emotion behind it, well I guess there was the anger I felt toward you at the moment."

"Wow, just like that you kissed a random person?!?" I felt confusion, anger and distress rise inside of me taking over the feeling of guilt from before.

"Don't turn this around on me! You did the same!" she snapped back at me defensively.

"I didn't kiss a complete stranger, I fucked up and kissed someone I used to love. Do you at least feel guilty?"

"What kind of question is that? Isn't it worse to kiss someone you have feelings for when you're in a relationship?" both of us were now glaring at each other, anyone who saw us would have guessed us to be complete enemies.

"Do you still care about me or am I just another stranger to you now?"

"Of course I still care about you. I know I fucked up, I knew it was wrong." she yelled.

"But do you feel guilty?" I screamed back.

"Why are you so fixed on that question?"

"Why won't you answer it?"

"Fine, no. I don't feel guilty for it, it meant nothing. It was once and you kissed Tay twice."

"Yeah, I kissed her twice, but I was trying to work it out with you, talk about it and you decided that, that gave you the right to try and fuck our relationship even more." I grunted in frustration.

"Can we not just give each other a second chance?" Hayley said while trying to calm herself.

"Maybe, but right now I think we need to take a break."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I could see the hurt and fear in her eyes as she asked.

"No, I'm just too frustrated with you right now to deal with fixing this."

"What is there to fix?"

"Our trust. If I had slept with Tay would you have gone and found some casual hookup to get back at me?"

"No, if you had done that I would have ended our relationship all together. It's probably just the stress of the tour getting to us, I guess we can take a 'break' and talk about this Monday when we don't have to worry about fans and shows."

"Fine." That was all I could say.

Hayley stomped off the bus, slamming the door behind her before she burst in to tears and started screaming outside. Maybe I had overreacted, but it was hard to think rationally when I was so angry at her, at myself and pretty much everyone else. It was true that everyone was starting to feel the stress and exhaustion of our endless touring, I was no exception and it made most people have quite a short temper.

I crawled back up on my bunk and curled under the blanket covering even my head. I buried my face in the pillow and started bawling. I didn't want this to happen, I was hoping that everything would go back to normal; now I had told my lover to leave me alone when she was the only person I wanted there to comfort me. Was what she had done really that bad? Now she would be mad at me for being mad at her, would we ever be able to be happy together? I knew I would be faking my smile for the rest of the day.

Matt came in to the bus and heard me crying.

"I heard you spilled the beans." he said ignoring my tears.

"Yeah, then Hayley wanted revenge. I told her we needed a break and she left." I replied still crying, but not as much

"Why are you so upset?"

"I didn't want her to go, I was just upset. I need her."

"You don't need anyone. The only person you need is yourself. If you aren't happy by yourself you'll never really be happy with someone else. It's like Rupaul says 'if you don't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else'."

"Yeah, I know. I don't need her, I just don't want to have fucked everything up."