A Fiery Red Summer (Jenna Mcdougall and Hayley Williams)

The Worst Thing About Me

Tay:

I didn't know what had happened to me lately. It was the worst I had felt in years. Nothing seemed right. Nothing made me feel whole. I had fallen apart and I was having trouble picking up the pieces. It's not like I had a hard life or bad childhood to excuse my mental health, I was rather normal; no one would ever think I would be in this mess, but I was.

I sat with my back against the wall off the TA bus. My cheeks were tear stained, my eyes were burning and my mind seemed to be turned off yet be in overdrive all at once. I had forced myself to sit after pacing the back lounge for at least a half hour. There was no one around; Jenna had gone off to meet Hayley and the rest of Tonight Alive had gone off to meet up with friends in town. Though they had asked if I wanted to join them I had declined.

Out of the window all I saw was asphalt and in the distance a giant Walmart (or should I say a normal sized Walmart since they are all huge). There didn't seem to be many cars in the parking lot and they were all far off as well. I figured no one would hear me scream so I let all the built up pressure and emotion in my chest fly out in a long high pitched cry. All it really seemed to do was tear at my vocal chords and make my throat sore.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I whispered "What the fuck Jardine?" Nothing seemed right. I got back up and started pacing again. Back and forth I walked, this time from the front of the bus to the back. I knew I needed to find a distraction, but what? I thought about calling one of my siblings, but they would be at work right now. I tried to figure out how to turn on the TV, but no matter what combination of buttons I pushed nothing happened. I looked through all the books on the bus, but I had either read them or had no interest in them.

The panic had taken over my brain and my body, I no longer felt I had any control over myself. The only thing I felt I could do to end this was something I knew I would regret. I searched the bus for something sharp and once I found what I was looking for there was no going back. I rolled my sweatpants up and did exactly what I had promised Jenna I wouldn't.

Just after the deed was done the boys came back on the bus. It was immediately obvious that they had understood what had happened. We stared at each other, all of us wide eyed.

"Please don't tell Jenna!" I begged.

The boys continued to just stare until Matt finally spoke up "I'm really sorry Tay we promised her. It's probably for the best anyway." I heard the remorse in his words.

Jake went outside to call Jenna. I burst in to tears. Cam tried to cheer me up by telling me jokes and Matt got me a paper towel to dab up the blood. I knew that they meant well, but I felt betrayed. Now I would have to face Jenna. It was always so hard because she always had that sad puppy look when she found out about stuff like this.

15 minutes later she dashed in and was by my side in a matter of seconds. Sure enough she had the gloomy brokenhearted look; I avoided looking at her. She was spitting out question after question, too many for me to keep up with so I stayed silent not even attempting to answer one of them. Once she understood I had no intention to reply she wrapped her arms around me burying her head in the crook of my neck.

"Tay you're scaring me. I can't lose you. Please don't take my best friend away from me, I need her."

I looked over Jenna and saw Hayley standing in the entry way looking anywhere but at me. My heart sunk farther down in to my gut as I thought of what an ass I had been to her.

"Did you guys make up?"

It took Jenna a second to comprehend the question "Oh, me and... yeah."

"Is she still upset with me?"

"For what?"

"All the bad shit I've said to her. We haven't really been best buds. I'm sorry for it all."

"It's all cool don't worry."

"I think I need to sleep now." I said tossing myself down on the bunk.

"Okay, but I'm taking this." she replied taking the blade that was still at the bottom of the bed.

Jenna didn't leave the bus for the rest of the evening. She came to check on me occasionally throughout the night. Hayley tried to get her to calm down and go to sleep, but she wouldn't until she was convinced I was sound asleep (which I wasn't, I was just pretending so she would go to bed). It took me a couple more hours of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable in the tiny bunk before I fell asleep.