Changing Me

Chapter fourteen

I should be jumping up and down for joy. I should be so damn happy I can barely speak, but instead I feel like absolute shit.

We kissed last night. Wesley and I actually kissed. Not a peck on the damn cheek, a pin me up against the wall and pregame to pregnancy kiss.

Then he blew it off. Doesn't want to ruin our friendship I get it, but it was never a friendship for me, and honestly that's exactly what throws me off my game.  I don't get how something so good can go downhill so fast. All I did was blink and it was all taken away from me. It meant nothing to him.

I walk into school, eager to find my girls. The boys will get the scoop at lunch, but right now, I need them.

I see Anna and Sadie waiting by the lunch room, and I feel my stomach drop at the thought of how this conversation is likely to go.

"Hey girl." greets Sadie with her typical adorable smile.

How do I tell them?

How in the hell do I tell them?

"I'm not gonna waste any time because this has been on my mind for the entire night so... me and Wesley kissed." I say and I feel my stomach sink as the words leave my mouth. I know they're going to get excited. I know they're going to freak out and ask if we're dating yet. I know that to them, this is what we've been waiting for.

And sure enough they do.

"NO WAY!! Are you guys dating now?!"

"Tell us everything!!"

"He regrets it." I say and instantly the smiles on their faces change. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"What do you mean he regrets it?" asks Sadie and I hear the irritation in her voice. I feel that, along with so many other emotions.

"I went to his boxing match last night and things got heated afterwards. His coach thought we were together and he didn't even tell him otherwise, so I thought that was an in. I thought... I thought maybe finally he wanted to try." I admit, and I didn't even admit that to myself last night, and I want to cry so badly now. But I refuse to let myself. Not right now.

"Then what?" asks Anna, and she's on the edge of her seat right now, but her eyes are so concerned.

"We kissed. A really good kiss. After it was done he said he didn't want it to ruin our friendship and that he basically never liked me like that. He wants space now. I didn't even know what happened.. one second he's my friend who I'm falling for, and the next, he's not even wanting to be that."

"Anika.. I am so sorry. I don't get how he could act like that though. It was so obvious that he felt something for you." says Sadie, and Anna nods her head furiously.

"I don't know. I'm starting to think it was all in my head."

"It wasn't." Sadie says sternly. "Everyone saw it but you." At those words my stomach twists in so many knots and it hurts so bad. Everything hurts so bad.

"Our story wouldn't have even been that good anyway."

"I would've read it." says Anna, and she gives me a hopeful smile.

"Me too." says Sadie back and she smiles the same smile.

"Well, I gotta head to class." I say, feeling tears brim at the bottom of my eyelids. I start to walk away feeling my face turn red for whatever reason, I have no clue. This isn't like me. None of this is like me.

"Anika," says Anna, and I turn around for a second, "no matter what, we still love you."

I smile, and an actual tear drop slides down my face. God I do not have the time to be weak right now.

"I know. And I love you guys too."

~

I walk into class, tears dried, no sign of me crying. I made sure of that so when he sees me, he'll think I'm doing just fine like he is.

I'm acting like I had a breakup. I hate that about myself. I get attached, I get hopeful. I thought I fixed that trait after the last one, but I suppose I didn't. I guess with Wesley I just imagined everything, pretended in my head like it was all real. Wanting someone to love me.

I know he just saw me walk through the doors, but he pretends as if I'm not even there. His head buried in his phone. Probably nothing on the screen. I scoff at the thought as I head to my seat at the front of the class, trying desperately to take in a steady breath.

Class begins, and I pray this bitch of a teacher puts us in partners again so he's forced to talk to me, to look at me. He can't hide forever and I refuse to let him.

"Alright class, today is the quiz over the book we've been reading these past few weeks. You'll have the whole hour to take it. Take your time. You may use your book, considering it was a long one. I'll pass it out now. I want to get started right away so you have as much time as you need."

The one day I want to be tortured in this class, is the one time she decides to show mercy. My luck.

This is all just my luck.

Why do I have a sickening feeling that this is all going to last a long time. No staring or talking. Nothing. Just silence.

Then before I know it, it'll be like we never even met.

Someone please tell me why it feels like that.