Changing Me

Chapter nineteen

This is a song that I hold incredibly close to my heart. For me to share it ( even though it is known pretty well) is hard for me to do. This fits Anika's character very well. She is in it with Wesley, but she just wants him to tell her it won't end badly, that none of this will hurt her in the end.

She is forever his. Emotionally, physically, and romantically.

Please enjoy this chapter, I have been waiting to write it for months. For you to finally read her pain, is something I hope we can all connect to.

I hope this touches your heart and let's you think of someone close to you.

~

Some things that happen to me, I don't get why they do. I suppose that's the main thought of a lot of people. Why did I have to trip in front of my classmates today? Why did she have to reject me? Why do they make fun of me? Why did I fall for my friend?

I am laying in bed right now wide awake. I am very aware that I can't move considering I feel like there's a weight resting across my chest and stomach. I'm thinking of how it'll be hard to breathe if I try to move.

This is the only position I have been able to lay in after school for a week.

That's how long it's been. It's been a week since the trip to Freddy's Froyo, and honestly I haven't felt any better since then. All I can think about is him.

I have seen this boy in the hallways for days now not being able to say a word, and for what? What exactly am I holding my tongue for? The fact that he thinks we can't fix things?

Yeah I can hear him saying it to me all over again. Plays like a skipping record in my head. All of this causing me to believe it's my fault, and I guess it is, but it shouldn't be.

What is the worst thing I did? Fall for him? Kiss him?

I keep replaying everything over in my head from beginning to end. It's like I'm reading the same book a hundred times over. I have been trying to figure out where it went wrong from the start and I'm driving myself insane.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I fell in love with a boy who didn't know how to be loved. How did that become a problem for me?

I am sitting here, unable to breathe because the only person I want to see doesn't even want to look at me right now.

Do you have any idea how that feels? He is the one person in this world that I have so hopelessly fallen for and it is making my heart hurt in ways I never in a million years thought it could. He doesn't love me back.

The saddest part is he doesn't even know how I feel truly. To him, I just caught feelings and kissed my friend, but good lord is it so much more than that.

He is the only person I look at and completely fall apart over. I can't even put it into words, my feelings for him.

Every time I try, he looks at me, and I freeze. It feels like I'm choking on air, but it's really just the words fighting to get out. Wanting to scream every ounce of feeling I have for him. Every single feeling that can't be said. Every single feeling he doesn't want to hear.

I look outside my bedroom window from across the room, and I can see that it's started to get dark out. I can't believe I have been laying in my bed like this for over two hours.

I can't do this anymore.

I can not keep feeling like this.

I can't think straight right now. None of my thoughts are in order. Everything is choppy and all messed up like a knot in a string. All I know is I'm on my feet now. I'm on my feet and I can't stop moving them. I can see everything, I can hear everything, but not a single thing is processing.