Changing Me

Chapter eighteen

Everything is a blur.

The things I know. I am at school. I'm going through my classes. My teachers are talking. I'm blindly writing down notes. I'm mindlessly reading textbooks.

Lastly, Wesley is not here.

I'm sure he's here somewhere, but my mind won't let me look for him. Even if I want to, I can't physically move myself to find him.

His words have been on my mind since I went home Saturday night. I've been second guessing every little thing I do. Do I give up? Is that me? Do I really choose to not deal with my feelings?

Did I cause my own pain?

I must have. I was the one who pushed him to share his thoughts and feelings. I was the one who pushed that friendship. I was the one who fell for him. He never felt the same way. It was all one sided, and I kissed him.

I did this.

I have no right to be upset.

I start walking into the cafeteria unable to focus on anything specifically, just walking to my table in silence. I didn't pack a lunch today because I honestly lost my appetite. I feel like I'd throw up if I ate anything.

I take a seat in between Tanner and Anna, both of them turn to look at me but I ignore it. Well, the whole table is looking at me.

"Hey Anika, how's your day going?" asks Jacob. He looks at me with hesitation and waits anxiously for me to answer.

"Good." I lie, and the sound of my voice shocks me for a moment, given I haven't heard it in hours.

"So do you want to go out with us after school today? We're all getting froyo. It'll be fun. Get your mind off of things." says Sadie and her voice trails off.

Mind off things.

Everyone is thinking the same thing but no one is saying it.

Better live up to my reputation. So let me answer the question in everyone's brain.

"Me and Wesley are never going to happen. I screwed up by getting too involved and he didn't want that. This is all on me." I tell them all. For a moment they're quiet. For just a moment they all look at me, shocked that I even addressed the topic.

"Anika I don't think it was as one sided as you think." says Sadie, and I can see Anna nod her head, concern in her eyes.

"Yes it was. There's no other reason for the way he acted except that."

"But guys aren't like girls. Keep that in mind. He was probably just scared to admit his feelings for you." says Tanner, and I turn my head to look him right in the eyes.

"Or he was scared to let his friend know that he wasn't in to her like that."

The table falls silent.

"He'd be stupid to say no to you." says Jacob with a small smile. The rest shake their head.

I look at all of my friends, and realize they are the only constants in my life. Through every relationship I have had they have supported me without question.  I don't know what I would do without them and our little group.

"I love you guys." I say, and Anna grabs my hand, squeezing lightly while Tanner throws an arm around my shoulders giving me one of his famous one armed bear hugs.