Spilled Tea

Little Did I Know

Nobody ever talks about
the space between the
versions of yourself.
The time period
where you're lost
and everything
is shaded with blue.

You came along and
little did I know
I was handed a ticket
out of this dreary fog
to a new me.

Little did I know
that I didn't need to
fall in love with someone.
Maybe I just needed a best friend in this place that still hasn't claimed its role as 'home'
quite yet.

I hid from you
the things that ruined
my relationships with others.
The things that were
beginning
to fade away.

Little did I know
that the scars from the ghosts
of those who destroyed
the other versions of me
ran deeper than I was aware.

Little did you know
that you could destroy all
of what had progressed
in my healing
with a few simple words.

I gave you a piece of me that
I had not given away
since I left home.
My trust in you
was and is
still unsteady.
And it's not you.
It's not you.
It's those who have wronged me.

It's their knives that
I wonder even though
I haven't told you,
if you can see them
still plunged in my back.

Little did I know
that the emotional connection
that has grown would cause me
to face the consequences
of issues within my trust.

Little did you know
the smallest things you say or do could be taken in ways
you didn't mean them to.

Just insignificant things
like a second of awkward silence
or rushed 'love you's without the 'i' that aren't even ill-intentioned,
but leave me with an
aching stomach.
Leaving me aware of the holes
that I wish didn't exist
in my trust.
And this isn't even to make you feel bad because to anybody else, these little things don't matter. These little things shouldn't matter.

Little did either of us know
that the thought of losing
any of what had grown
in our friendship
had snuck its way
to the top of my most-feared list.

Little did I know
these little things
would make me cry
at 2 in the morning,
when I should be sleeping.
I should be sleeping
because I'm not sad anymore.
I'm not sad.

I'm just still healing.
I'm just praying that these fears of mine
don't come true.
That I don't annoy you
and you want to be my friend.
That you aren't them
and that is something
that I should be able to trust
because if anything,
you deserve that.

Nobody ever talks about
the space between the
versions of yourself.
The time period
where you're lost
and everything
is shaded with blue.

Little did I know
you would hand me the ticket
to the train of our friendship,
leading to a new and better version of myself
and I asked where we were going.
You told me "somewhere better."

Now, I never want to go back.

-to my closest friend
in this town that had only
wronged me until now
p.s. - thank you for the ticket.
my life feels 10x brighter now <3 .