Spilled Tea

The Destruction Of Hopes

I screamed to the sky
on a trampoline today.
Broke down in the arms
of my father who held me
as I dry heaved.

I saw him as the man
he used to be when I was little
and he tells me on repeat
that 'it will be alright'
and that I am so beautiful.

I didn't silence my sobbing today,
and all I cared about was
my little siblings seeing me
more broken than they ever have
and my little sister rubbing my back
trying to 'make my heart feel better.'

But what do you tell two tiny souls
with big hearts and minds
unfamiliar to the destruction of hopes
when they ask you why you're crying?

Here's the scene of a two-year-old
little boy dragging you into the kitchen
because 'ice cream cake will make
everything feel better' and he feeds it to you,
then shoves Swedish Fish in your mouth.
I don't like the taste,
but I eat them anyway
because he's doing
anything his little mind
comes up with to make
the tears stop flowing,
as he says I have to
'eat the mermaids.'

I shattered in a new kind of way
and I'm not sure I know how
to heal this time because
I'm worried things will
never be the same with her.
I'm learning bits and pieces
of how to console myself
through the advice of toddlers.

I threw myself on the floor
with my father being
the only thing keeping me up,
knowing that I'd again
have to deal with heartbreak.

Now, I'm sitting here wondering
how to blank it all out
while downing liquids
and probably a little
too much cake,
hoping my mind
will wake itself up soon.

I'm not alright
and there's a knife
dangerously close to my soul,
but I've done this before
and once again,
I will heal stronger.