Spilled Tea

I'll Be Here

You are my home wherever I go,
my comfort in all that I do.
Comfort became
such a scary thing
and you have softened
all that was sharp.

I have been told that I
now can be spared of
the guilt of my past.
I have been told that
what were considered
terrible actions of mine
were never bad in the first place
and this judgement was a mistake.
That I was good.

I,
convinced in my own self
that I was a 'criminal,'
sat in disbelief.

I wish to be with you,
in whatever way you allow.
I am at the whims of
whatever you command.
Maybe this is daunting
to the mind of you,
or maybe the relinquishment
of all of my control
fits your side of this dynamic.
I've always said that
we've worked as a pair at ease.

The fear of truly opening up
threads itself in the filters
of my words because
I worry that if I start,
the stopping of it
would be an impossibility.

Do you wonder what monster
places it's hand over my mouth?
She and I met at
the root of the evil
I encountered that
convinced me of
a new definition of 'happiness.'

I was brainwashed,
and you,
my enlightenment.

A girl of a past of
a demon that was exorcised
reminded me that
I don't have to hold onto
the claws of this monster.
She also reminded me that
she will always be here
and she'll be around
to watch my rise from the ashes.

You gave me feelings
that I do not want to let go of.
I hurt myself over a need to beg
for something that will not end.
Oh God,
please don't end.

She said she'll be here
to watch us grow.

There's a song out of
a musical that I must reference
because I can also hear her
whispering in my ear
telling me that it's okay to trust you.

She's proud even though
she can see my fear,
because even
through my anxieties
from the past,
I can 'finally
let myself tell you
that I will be here.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
musical reference goes to I'll Be Here from Ordinary Days